Thing in my marriage have been up and down.
It’s been like that throughout our relationship, but baby has definitely placed a huge stress on our delicate bond.
Longtime followers know that Mr. Artist did not want kids when we first met.
In fact, on our first date, he said, and I quote, “I would rather die alone than have kids.”
This statement was completely unsolicited by me, because I take people at their word and don’t operate on the assumption that somehow I will get them to change.
Also, I wasn’t that into him at first.
Fast forward to now: perpetual bachelor falls in love, willingly decides family life is for him and baby boy is now 7 months old.
Sounds like a fairy tale.
Nope, not a fairytale at all.
Not even close.
Sure, the beginning of our relationship played out exactly like a romantic dramedy, but what those movies don’t show is what happens after the emotionally immature bachelor finds the woman who causes him change his ways and commits to her.
It is hell.
Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but on my end, teaching a man child how to be emotionally mature, communicate appropriately, and learn how to be in a long term relationship isn’t exactly a fairytale ending.
Then we added a baby to the mix.
I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that in my heart.
I also knew that DID NOT always want to be a wife. In fact, until I met my first wife, I was content with the idea of never getting married and simply raising a child on my own. No partner required.
Therefore, I’m a passionately dedicated mother. I’m a fucking fantastic, attentive, patient, loving mother. Mother of the year award for me!
On the other hand, I’m an okay wife. Well, I deserve at least a “good” wife title. I do really love him. I just know better now. I’m not a naïve, head over heels in love 20-year-old anymore, like the first time I was married.
I’m 40 and husband is a far, far, faaaarrrr cry from perfect.
But he has his redeeming features. He is willing. He is teachable. He holds up his end of responsibilities. He loves me very much (I never have to question his love for me). He can be very thoughtful and sweet.
Fatherhood, however, has been super challenging for him.
So I have been teaching him how to be a better father because baby didn’t ask to be born and it’s our responsibility to be the parents he deserves.
But that means, I’m often “the bad guy.” In his eyes, I’m annoying. I’m nagging. I’m overprotective. I don’t give him space. I want to control him. I want him to feel like a bad person, etc.
When really, what I’m doing is saying things like “Baby is getting fussy, maybe check his diaper.” Or “try holding baby like this, sometimes that helps.” Or, “Baby needs you to talk to him. He’s upset, he needs soothing.” Or, “You need to be more interactive with him. He needs your attention.” You know, nefarious suggestions that only controlling, overreacting, mean spirited wives might say. (Insert sarcasm)
And that’s why our already fragile relationship sometimes goes into cardiac arrest.
Because when he wants me to back off, I don’t. Not when it comes to baby. There is a little person that I have chosen to bring into the world, that needs me to be his voice and advocate. There’s no fucking way I’m backing off if it concerns a reasonable request to provide quality care for him.
That’s what my husband often fails to see. Baby is bigger than our relationship. It’s not about personal attacks. Or about me trying to “control” him or show how much better I am than him. It’s about baby. What he needs. What he deserves.
Our little boy. The sun and moon of my world. The love of my life that has trumped all other loves.
There is absolutely NOTHING I wouldn’t do for this little boy to ensure that,to the best of my ability, he is emotionally, mentally and physically given the best care and love.
Even if that means my husband ends up hating me.
If that’s what it takes, so be it.
But I’m hoping not.
I really do.