Category Archives: Depression

The creature in my head

See the source image

It was a perfect storm

The anniversary of my dead marriage coming up, being worn down from work, having too much alone time, and finally stopping long enough for all of it to hit me

A major depression episode is like being possessed by another being

You feel it slowly taking over, without your consent

You scream and try to fight, but you already know it’s going to happen

The monster magnifies every emotion, except joy, by 100 percent

You find your voice growing smaller and weaker, while the creature gradually eats away at your will

The emotional pain becomes unbearable

Your body is burning from the inside out

You fantasize about scratching out of your skin because it’s so uncomfortable

The words “I want to be sedated” keep repeating over and over in your head, minus the music

You sink so low, you remember that you have pills

Pills that will put you to sleep

Enough pills to make you sleep forever, because at this point, you don’t care if you ever wake up

But your voice, as weak as it is, speaks up, tells you that this is temporary

You have a good life that you enjoy, this hopeless feeling is a lie

Your voice reminds you that you can’t just check out, you have little beings that love and depend on you

One of those furry beings is laying next to you on the ground as you cry

The words, “You are alone” try to convince you to end your misery

But you can’t ignore the little bodies with big loving eyes

They look at you while you say out loud, “I am not alone” over and over again until you start to believe it

Until you feel it in your gut

Then you reach out to your boyfriend, because even though you have been arguing with him, you realize that you need to be held while you cry

The creature has been trying to convince you that you are on your own, that no one can help

But you know better

You know that being alone and pushing away others gives the creature more power

Asking for help is your only weapon against it

So you swallow your pride and press enough buttons to make a sentence

And he comes over and holds you while you alternate between numbness and pain

You feel the monster’s grip loosen just a bit

You go to sleep and wake up to a friend being worried about you

You are not used to that

She calls and you cry, even though you have not shared this part of yourself with her before

You talk about the creature and how hard it is to live with it inside of you

She listens

Tells you she loves you

You no longer have to convince yourself that you are not alone

It is now a proven fact

You cry as you write this

The creature is crawling back into its cave in the dark side of your mind

You know this is just a battle in a war

You write this hoping to dispel the lingering residue of sadness that it leaves behind

You also write this because you know you aren’t the only one who has felt this way

Who currently feel this way

There are others

You want to tell them, “You are not alone”

You are not alone

Advertisements

%d bloggers like this: