Category Archives: Dating

Control

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At some point in a relationship, you decide if you are committed to it no matter what, or not

I’ve been so used to being a ride or die, that the idea of having an option is foreign

This relationship is the first time I’ve felt I’ve had a choice in who I love, but this presents it’s own set of problems

I’ve been so scared of getting “stuck” or making a mistake, that whenever there’s conflict in my current relationship, my first instinct is to run

I’m hyper vigilant to potential problems and this causes me to question my judgment

Am I with the right person?

Am I missing any red flags?

Will things actually get better or will they get worse than what I expect?

I try to prepare myself for anything

But there are things you never see coming

Those are the things that I’m terrified of

Yet, I know I can’t spend my life being terrified of the unknown

There are no guarantees in any relationship, no matter how compatible you are

Sometimes when I look into my future, I see it full of love and hope, unfolding like a fairy tale

Most of the time, however, I see a void, full of unknowns and uncertainties

Will I ever be rid of this fear that anything can happen, good or bad, but mostly bad?

I used to be so sure of things

I knew what my future held

And now I hesitate to be sure of anything at all

No one prepares you for the trap door

You never see the invisible wall until you hit it

You don’t realize how deep the water is until you are drowning

This is what divorce has made of me

I try not to let it define me, but follows me like a neon sign

It’s a scarlet letter, emblazoned on my heart

I’ve made so much progress, but here I am, still carrying old wounds from a tragic separation

I cry over little things that feel like big things because I’m fearful that they mean something bad

I fight myself to keep from pulling the plug because I’m convinced in the moment that I’m better off alone

I compare and contrast and wear myself out

I never want to get divorced again

But more than even that, I never want to become that unhappy in a relationship again

I can only control what I can

I know I need to let go of the notion that my control extends beyond that

And herein lies my problem

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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