Category Archives: New Beginnings

Here I Am

It’s been awhile since I’ve had some time to my thoughts

Despite all the good that’s been happening, I’m feeling a bit melancholic right now

Let’s start from the beginning

I left my job and have transitioned into private practice

It’s one of the best and scariest decisions I’ve made

As much as my old job was draining, it was still hard to say goodbye, especially to my kids

If I ever doubted if I made a difference in their lives, that doubt has been removed

Saying goodbye tends to make people say what they might normally never had said and my kids were no exception

There is a handful that I will always keep in my heart and I think maybe I will be in theirs

It’s been bittersweet

I love the newfound freedom of my new job

I make my own hours, days, rules

It comes at a cost, of course

I have to make myself available during the weekends and evenings if I want a consistent caseload

This means adjusting what “normal” work days and hours have meant to me for my whole career

It also means spending more time away from Mr. Artist

We seem to have found a good rhythm, although, that has not come easily

We’ve had a few blow ups and lots of therapy

Sometimes it’s bliss, sometimes it’s exhausting

In a way, I feel that he’s getting the best of me, the me that has learned lessons at the expense of my first marriage

The me that is older and wiser and more understanding

Sometimes I wish he knew exactly how fortunate he is to have this version of me

The pain of my past seems to have lost its bite over the years

It has been five years since my divorce

Five years since my uncle was murdered

Four years since my heart was broken

Three years since my student committed suicide

The sting is gone, but the scars remain

I still have dreams of my ex-wife, pretty regularly actually

I still get triggered by seeing or hearing about certain types of violence, especially throat cutting

I will never see a hanging scene the same again

There are still songs I have a hard time listening to, because they either remind me of her or of him

And yet, here I am

Thriving.

I recently met with a new client and she shared things that I could relate to

Actually, many of my client’s have shared things I can relate to

This particular client, however, shared some things she thought might “scare” me

“It’s very hard to freak me out,” I told her

Sure enough, she shared what it was and I didn’t even blink twice

I even guessed it before she managed to get it out

And she said, “I’m thankful for whatever life experience you’ve had that makes you hard to freak out.”

And I thought,

me too.

 


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