Disconnect

I’m forgetting what it feels like to connect with someone

Like really connect

I feel like I’ve been playing pretend

Pretending we belong together

That we understand each other

But you’re a stranger

And a moody one at that

When I’m lying naked next to you and you choose to be moody instead of exploring me, I have to wonder…is it over?

I don’t want it to be

But this is not what I wanted

Am I a coward for wanting to keep trying?

For hoping it will magically get better?

We go in waves

But we have more downs than ups

Am I willing to be okay with this?

When is it enough?

You say everyone has problems

But is everyone this unhappy?

I’m trying because I want us to work, I want our little family together

And also, I’m scared

I’m scared of the unknown

I’m scared of shared custody

I’m scared of my dreams coming to a halt

I’m scared of dying alone

But I’m getting braver

With each time

Each argument

Each disappointment

Each disconnect

I’m starting to see a future without me and you

I’m starting to feel less scared of it

I’m starting to be okay without you

I’m starting to feel like I could be better off on my own

And that should scare you