This ain’t no picnic

I’m having one of those “ holy shit, I’m having a baby” moments right now.

Pregnancy indigestion is not helping dispel the wave of anxiety

After years of thinking and planning and preparing, I still feel completely unready

My whole life is going to change

For, like, ever.

Holy shit

There’s a No Doubt song “Simple kind of life” in which Gwen Stefani sings the lyrics “the longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get.”

She wrote this song before she had kids, about wanting them but also not wanting to let go of her freedom

I get it, Gwen Stefani, I really do

Of course, she has three kids now and I’m here, 39 years old, pregnant with my first child

The fist week I found out, it was like walking on sunshine

Learning all about pregnancy and the cute little orange seed in my uterus

So exciting

Two weeks later, after the reality of morning sickness and fatigue and indigestion and food aversions and weird cravings and bad cramping and aching and a trip to the emergency room (everything is fine, don’t worry), I’m still happy, I’m just also painfully aware that life only gets more complicated from here

The pregnancy insomnia also fuels the flames

I’ve never been so tired and yet unable to sleep, in my life

In complete honesty, I get a little crazy without a good night’s sleep

It’s probably my brain chemistry and the fact that I have depression and lack of sleep also affects the effectiveness of my medication

So far it’s been a few days and I’m holding it together

I’m also supposed to start a new medication that is safer for pregnancy, so that’s another wrench in the system

It may work, it may not

Hopefully I don’t have a breakdown

I feel like a hot mess

I look normal, well, tired normal, but inside my body is wreaking havoc and my mind is trying to keep up

How can I want something so bad, yet hate how it makes me feel?

Welcome to the first trimester

Dear God, help me

P.S. in case you missed it, I’m having a baby! I’m due in late September. More details to come…🤰🏻💙

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