Sometimes I feel so certain about things
And then there’s days like this, where I’m questioning all over again
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me because he unintentionally hurt my feelings and today I got turned down for sex
Not only did I get turned down, I got accused of trying to make him feel guilty for leaving early and he left all cold and stoic like
Sometimes I feel helpless, like these types of issues happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them
It terrifies me
I try to keep perspective, because on the grand scale of things, these are pretty insignificant “problems”
But it always gets me thinking about if I really want to have these type of problems, long term
The runner in me frantically warns that I’m better off not committing
Committing will be the death of me and my freedom
The smaller, optimistic part of me, who wants to believe in the power of love again, tells me that things will work out
That I will not end up making the same mistakes again
I will not lose myself or become invisible, instead I will gain an equally invested partner who cherishes me
The battle is fierce and the runner has gallons of fuel to stoke the fire of fear in me
I will end up convincing myself that this could be the end and how I don’t need him or this drama in my life
Then he will come around and call me out on my skittish ways and I will once again feel certain and resolve not to let the next “issue” shake my certainty
But then during the next conflict, I will yet again find myself in this same place, questioning our relationship and it’s potential to ruin me
I don’t know how long I will have to go through this cycle before I trust him completely
Right now, I want to feel sorry for myself
I want to pout and think of all the men who would love to have sex with me, no matter how tired they are or what time it is
I want to imagine that there is someone who would love and completely marvel over everything about me, including my fill-it-up sense of decorating (source of hurt feelings) without wanting me to compromise on anything
I want to pretend that there’s a perfect person out there who will be completely in tune with me and understand exactly what to do and how to do it when I’m crying
I want to believe there is a “happily ever after”
I know this is not reality
Reality is that no one is perfect and relationships are also about conflict and compromise and work and commitment
Reality is that sometimes sex doesn’t happen and not everyone has as great taste in decorating as I do
Reality also tells me that this moment will pass and I will (hopefully) soon be back to counting my blessings and feeling lucky to be where I’m at and with who I’m with
But for now, reality sucks
