I’m having one of those “ holy shit, I’m having a baby” moments right now.
Pregnancy indigestion is not helping dispel the wave of anxiety
After years of thinking and planning and preparing, I still feel completely unready
My whole life is going to change
For, like, ever.
Holy shit
There’s a No Doubt song “Simple kind of life” in which Gwen Stefani sings the lyrics “the longer that I wait, the more selfish that I get.”
She wrote this song before she had kids, about wanting them but also not wanting to let go of her freedom
I get it, Gwen Stefani, I really do
Of course, she has three kids now and I’m here, 39 years old, pregnant with my first child
The fist week I found out, it was like walking on sunshine
Learning all about pregnancy and the cute little orange seed in my uterus
So exciting
Two weeks later, after the reality of morning sickness and fatigue and indigestion and food aversions and weird cravings and bad cramping and aching and a trip to the emergency room (everything is fine, don’t worry), I’m still happy, I’m just also painfully aware that life only gets more complicated from here
The pregnancy insomnia also fuels the flames
I’ve never been so tired and yet unable to sleep, in my life
In complete honesty, I get a little crazy without a good night’s sleep
It’s probably my brain chemistry and the fact that I have depression and lack of sleep also affects the effectiveness of my medication
So far it’s been a few days and I’m holding it together
I’m also supposed to start a new medication that is safer for pregnancy, so that’s another wrench in the system
It may work, it may not
Hopefully I don’t have a breakdown
I feel like a hot mess
I look normal, well, tired normal, but inside my body is wreaking havoc and my mind is trying to keep up
How can I want something so bad, yet hate how it makes me feel?
Welcome to the first trimester
Dear God, help me
P.S. in case you missed it, I’m having a baby! I’m due in late September. More details to come…🤰🏻💙
