I have many old wounds that I’ve buried away
I’ve even forgotten that they are there
Until something unexpectedly delves deep and rips one open
I’ve experienced loss in many ways
But this bleeding wound is from the loss I experienced by loving who I loved
Today I’m upfront and proud to be part of the LGBTQ community
I was deeply in love with and married to a woman for 13 years
However, in my conservative Christian upbringing, this was unacceptable
Damnation
Sinful
Abomination
These are things you hear when you are on the other side, loving someone with anatomy that matches your own
I was shamed by my family and I lost friends
Friends that were also conservative Christians
They tried their best to “accept” me in their way, but I just felt tolerated and I could feel their uneasiness
Like an affliction no one talks about, or if they do, it’s to “fix” it
So I let them go, and they didn’t try to stop me
When that happened, so many years ago, I just accepted it
I didn’t mourn, I just moved on
One more loss on a isolated path
We were trying to survive a world that condemned us at every turn, grief was not a luxury we could afford
In all honesty, in those days I had my own shame, guilt, and conflict to deal with about it
I didn’t need others to add onto it
But now I’m a different person
I look back and wish I hadn’t spent so many years hiding and being scared
Love is love
That is what I believe
That is what I live
Today I got a card from an old college friend
She was a casualty from my “lifestyle choice”
We met attending the same conservative, private, Christian university and during my freshman year there, we became good friends
But then she moved to another university and I fell in love with my best friend, who happened to be a woman
When I finally told her about it, about 5 years later, she responded in the same way I would have, if I had never been in my shoes
So I lost that friendship and I never looked back
Occasionally, I would think about her and wonder how she’s doing, or reminisce on some of our experiences together
But I never expected our paths to cross again
The card is lovely
She wrote how she’s been thinking about me a lot lately and how sorry she is for the way she responded to my coming out to her about my relationship at the time (she doesn’t know about the divorce or my engagement and everything in between)
She wrote how she understands if I don’t want to reach back to her, but she wanted me to know that she is thinking about me and that she cares about me
I am shocked that she took time to find me and reach out after all of these years
I’m touched that she apologized and genuinely seems to still care
But I didn’t expect the pain it would conjure up
As the shock slowly wore off, the pain emerged like anesthesia wearing off after an operation
Swift and strong
Memories of that time, that horribly isolating and lonely time, flooded back as well as the grief that I never got to express
I’m free to express it now and so I let it flow through me, one more wound I have to let bleed before it closes again
I will contact her and bridge the gap of time that has lapsed between us
But first, I have to cry
