The libido returns (along with my complete mental health)

I’m back

The last layer of depression has lifted and I feel like me again

I’m a bit shaky, though

Coming out of this is much like getting better from the flu

You have to take it easy for a couple of days until your complete strength returns

You don’t want to rush the healing or you could end up getting sick again

My libido returned Monday night

I was surprised because while I was starting to think about sex and how I remembered enjoying it, I still didn’t have enough energy to actually want it, let alone go through with it

But when Mr. Artist came over, as he was being so sweet with me, I felt the desire to kiss him on the lips

So I kissed him and then the kisses turned into passionate kisses, which turned into wanting, which turned into doing

I could not get enough of him

I hadn’t realized just how much I missed connecting with him in that way

It felt like make up sex without the fight

Before the kissing and the passion, we were sitting on the sofa and he was in his favorite position, laying down with his head on my lap

As we talked and he looked up at me with those sparking blue eyes that told me how happy he was that I was smiling, I realized just how much I had missed him

Just how much I missed simply feeling without pain or exhaustion

I leaned over and kissed his forehead and held his face to my chest

I teared up and told him that I feel like I’ve been gone

And I wanted to cry because I hate that feeling

It’s like I’ve been under a spell and I was aware of what was happening but was disconnected and helpless to fight it

He just looked at me, his eyes saying everything that needed to be said

So I shed a few tears and I let it go

The guilt, the frustration, the shame

I don’t need to carry any of that

I think back to how severe I used to be

How there were times I literally couldn’t bring myself to talk, I was so deep in the black

My life was permanently grey and I thought that’s just how life was going to be

But I found a way out

I clawed and crawled and got covered in mud but I did the hard work to get to this point

Where my depression hits me for a week instead of every single day

Where I can talk about it, during it, even when it’s hard to do so

Where I am not completely lost to the darkness because I hold on to the fact that I know it is not forever, even if it feels that way

This is my life with depression

Depression is no longer my life