Because he said so

It’ll be hours before he’s awake

I’m up at this ungodly hour not by choice, but by necessity

I forgot what it was like to have someone care

To have someone try

I’ve been alone for far too long

I told him yesterday that I need to know that he’s not going to give up and retreat when things get hard

I said that being with me is hard

My depression is hard and it’s going to get harder at times

That even though this doesn’t happen as often as it did before, it still happens and I have little control over it

I need to be certain of him

I’d rather be alone otherwise

Because he was becoming distant

Mirroring my symptoms

I told him he can’t do that

He can’t fall into it with me, he can’t take it personal

He can’t think this is on purpose

It’s not my fault

I’m trying to function at a basic level

I communicate as best as I can, but it is exhausting

He said that he’s not going anywhere

That it felt personal

How he’s never had to deal with something like this before

He told me he just has to learn

He said he was sorry

He promised to try his best

That he doesn’t go around telling everyone he wants to spend the rest of his life with them like it’s no big deal

He’s dedicated to me

I believe him

I didn’t for a long time but now I do

I didn’t trust that he’d want to stay, that he’d choose to go through this with me

I allowed him to comfort me

In this state, I can’t get anymore vulnerable

I feel exposed and even the still air has a bite to it

Allowing myself to trust him when I’m like this is the same as giving him the power to stop my breathing

I allowed myself to feel good in his arms

I found myself wanting his comfort this morning

But he won’t be awake for a few more hours

So I’ll make due, trusting that he’ll check in with me as soon as his eyes open

Because he said so

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

9 responses to “Because he said so

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