Motherhood

My son was born on September 20, 2021. It happened when I least expected it. I was hoping to have more time to prepare, but he had other plans.

Labor was… painful, at least until I got the epidural. It went rather quick, I was admitted to the hospital a little before 8am and had my baby at 5:01pm.

Life has been chaotic ever since.

While my labor was smooth as labors go, after delivery was a bit more complicated. I had internal tears in my vagina from pushing my 8.7 pound bundle out so the doctor spent 30 solid minutes stitching me up because I wouldn’t stop bleeding. I lost a lot of blood.

I didn’t know how much I lost until several hours later, the epidural finally wore off and I needed to go to the bathroom. I was okay getting to the bathroom and going, but afterwards, I guess I fainted. Thankfully a nurse was with me and I came to not knowing where I was or what was happening, while the nurse held me from falling down, frantically telling me to sit down and look at her.

I finally comprehended enough to sink down on the floor and I was immediately surrounded by several nurses trying to keep me from blacking out again. Finally they got me to smell some rubbing alcohol , which woke me up completely.

I was restricted to bed after that and given an IV of iron. I slept maybe 1 hour in the 24 since delivery that day.

I only stayed in the hospital for a day and a half. I so desperately wanted Togo home where I could sleep and not be interrupted every few minutes by someone checking on me or running tests or charting on the baby.

A few days after going home, I woke up to check in the baby and immediately began shivering in my whole body. It was like I was going into hypothermic shock. I only stopped shivering after my husband gave me body heat for about 15 minutes. Then I was fine. It happened again the next night and I called the doctor. I was told to go to the emergency room. After blood tests, a urine test and an X-ray, it turns out I had a bad UTI.

It’s been three weeks now. Caring for an infant is exhausting and overwhelming. I find myself struggling with anxiety, especially at night. The days are blurring together. I wonder if things will ever feel “normal” again.

My husband has been really wonderful through it all. He was so supportive during labor and has been so helpful with baby and household chores. My appreciation for him has been renewed twofold and I can honestly say that I’m finally secure in finding comfort in him.

Parenthood…there are days I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. And there are days where I feel that maybe I’ve got the hang of it. This is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. And there’s no going back.

And yet, I absolutely love my little guy. Even when he’s fussy and I’m exhausted and I want nothing more than to sleep for a week straight, his little face melts me. I guess that’s what being a parent is like.

Here are some pictures 💙