PRIDE

See the source image

I have many old wounds that I’ve buried away

I’ve even forgotten that they are there

Until something unexpectedly delves deep and rips one open

I’ve experienced loss in many ways

But this bleeding wound is from the loss I experienced by loving who I loved

Today I’m upfront and proud to be part of the LGBTQ community

I was deeply in love with and married to a woman for 13 years

However, in my conservative Christian upbringing, this was unacceptable

Damnation

Sinful

Abomination

These are things you hear when you are on the other side, loving someone with anatomy that matches your own

I was shamed by my family and I lost friends

Friends that were also conservative Christians

They tried their best to “accept” me in their way, but I just felt tolerated and I could feel their uneasiness

Like an affliction no one talks about, or if they do, it’s to “fix” it

So I let them go, and they didn’t try to stop me

When that happened, so many years ago, I just accepted it

I didn’t mourn, I just moved on

One more loss on a isolated path

We were trying to survive a world that condemned us at every turn, grief was not a luxury we could afford

In all honesty, in those days I had my own shame, guilt, and conflict to deal with about it

I didn’t need others to add onto it

But now I’m a different person

I look back and wish I hadn’t spent so many years hiding and being scared

Love is love

That is what I believe

That is what I live

Today I got a card from an old college friend

She was a casualty from my “lifestyle choice”

We met attending the same conservative, private, Christian university and during my freshman year there, we became good friends

But then she moved to another university and I fell in love with my best friend, who happened to be a woman

When I finally told her about it, about 5 years later, she responded in the same way I would have, if I had never been in my shoes

So I lost that friendship and I never looked back

Occasionally, I would think about her and wonder how she’s doing, or reminisce on some of our experiences together

But I never expected our paths to cross again

The card is lovely

She wrote how she’s been thinking about me a lot lately and how sorry she is for the way she responded to my coming out to her about my relationship at the time (she doesn’t know about the divorce or my engagement and everything in between)

She wrote how she understands if I don’t want to reach back to her, but she wanted me to know that she is thinking about me and that she cares about me

I am shocked that she took time to find me and reach out after all of these years

I’m touched that she apologized and genuinely seems to still care

But I didn’t expect the pain it would conjure up

As the shock slowly wore off, the pain emerged like anesthesia wearing off after an operation

Swift and strong

Memories of that time, that horribly isolating and lonely time, flooded back as well as the grief that I never got to express

I’m free to express it now and so I let it flow through me, one more wound I have to let bleed before it closes again

I will contact her and bridge the gap of time that has lapsed between us

But first, I have to cry

 

 

Advertisements

About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: