Breathe

Lately I’ve been busy with wedding planning, bridal shower shopping, and studying for my licensing exam (to become a LMFT-Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)

My life is in progress of changing dramatically and I find myself holding my breath, as though at any moment, this façade of peace and contentment will break

Of course, it hasn’t been an easy journey

While looking for a venue for our wedding, Mr. Artist and I got into an argument and broke up

It was one of those things where I felt like this can’t keep happening over and over again, so I called it off, half out of fear and half out of desperation

My heart broke and I prayed and prayed, looking for a sign as to what to do

Finally, something told me to call and see if the couple’s therapist had an opening within the next two days

I agreed (with God?) that if there was an opening, then it was a sign that God wants us to work it out, but if there wasn’t, I would leave things as I had made them and go my separate way

I held my breath as I called and I believed that only a miracle could create a time slot for us at the last minute, especially since our therapist is known to have a full schedule and requires weeks in advance to book an appointment

I waited for the secretary to get back to me and to my disbelief, there was an appointment available the very next day

At 9:45am, I found myself on a couch, next to him, not knowing where the session would lead us

I cried, laid it all out, said what I felt I needed to and left the rest to God

Flash forward to later that day, we found a venue for our wedding, as well as a middle ground to agree to work on the issues that led us to the point of breaking

This all happened in the course of two days

That was two weeks ago

I have lived enough of life to know that there is no such thing as “happily ever after”

“Happily ever after” implies that things run smoothly after you fall in love and it’s all bliss and bubbles until one of you dies

The hard lesson that I’ve learned is that happiness and contentment require consistent hard work, especially in relationships

Mr. Artist is not perfect, I’ve said that many times

And yet, with all of his imperfections, he continues to prove that he is the right partner for me

This last break up (and make up) confirmed to me that we are meant to be together, that forces outside of ourselves continue to draw us together despite our misgivings

I reflect on my adventures in dating and the men that I stumbled into while trying to find my way

Sometimes I wonder about them, the would-be lovers and the one-time lovers, and think about things like if they ever think about me or what could have been and (for certain ones) why in the world I ever gave them the time of day

And then I remind myself that it doesn’t matter anymore

That’s my past

I need to be in my present

I found someone who adores me and is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m terrified

With anything that is good, there is fear of losing it, or worse, that it will turn bad

There’s no guarantee that this bond I share with Mr. Artist will last a lifetime

The only thing I can control is how much work I put into trying to make it last

God has led me this far, I will trust Him to continue to do so

And something deep down inside of me believes that it will all work out better than I expect, if I just stop holding my breath

So breathe, Samantha

Breathe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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