Battles and war

 

I work hard for my happiness

Days, like today, make me realize how much consistent effort I have to put in to stay mentally afloat

Today I had absolutely nothing to feel sad about

But I still felt it

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, anxious, and distraught just for living

Simply sitting in my work office unravels me

Then the sense of being unworthy and unattractive settle in

And leads the way for melancholy to creep out of its hiding place

I tell myself that these feelings are just feelings

They are not reality

Except that they feel very real

So I spend most of my energy fighting the feelings with deep breathing, self-talk, and attempts at rational thought

I try to reframe feelings that I am horrible at my job, that I’m old and frumpy, and I’m failing at life

The facts suggest otherwise

But depression doesn’t care about facts

Depression just wants to suck the color out of everything and leave you for dead

It would be so easy for me to crawl into my hole and let the blue eat away at me

It’s comfortable

It’s something I know well

I, however, don’t want to do that

I want to enjoy the happy that I work so hard for

So even though I feel like a total loser, I choose not to believe the feeling and keep moving forward anyway

If I keep at it long enough, this feeling will pass

The battle will be won

While the war ever rages on