Sometimes reality sucks

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Sometimes I feel so certain about things

And then there’s days like this, where I’m questioning all over again

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me because he unintentionally hurt my feelings and today I got turned down for sex

Not only did I get turned down, I got accused of trying to make him feel guilty for leaving early and he left all cold and stoic like

Sometimes I feel helpless, like these types of issues happen no matter how hard I try to prevent them

It terrifies me

I try to keep perspective, because on the grand scale of things, these are pretty insignificant “problems”

But it always gets me thinking about if I really want to have these type of problems, long term

The runner in me frantically warns that I’m better off not committing

Committing will be the death of me and my freedom

The smaller, optimistic part of me, who wants to believe in the power of love again, tells me that things will work out

That I will not end up making the same mistakes again

I will not lose myself or become invisible, instead I will gain an equally invested partner who cherishes me

The battle is fierce and the runner has gallons of fuel to stoke the fire of fear in me

I will end up convincing myself that this could be the end and how I don’t need him or this drama in my life

Then he will come around and call me out on my skittish ways  and I will once again feel certain and resolve not to let the next “issue” shake my certainty

But then during the next conflict, I will yet again find myself in this same place, questioning our relationship and it’s potential to ruin me

I don’t know how long I will have to go through this cycle before I trust him completely

Right now, I want to feel sorry for myself

I want to pout and think of all the men who would love to have sex with me, no matter how tired they are or what time it is

I want to imagine that there is someone who would love and completely marvel over everything about me, including my fill-it-up sense of decorating (source of hurt feelings) without wanting me to compromise on anything

I want to pretend that there’s a perfect person out there who will be completely in tune with me and understand exactly what to do and how to do it when I’m crying

I want to believe there is a “happily ever after”

I know this is not reality

Reality is that no one is perfect and relationships are also about conflict and compromise and work and commitment

Reality is that sometimes sex doesn’t happen and not everyone has as great taste in decorating as I do

Reality also tells me that this moment will pass and I will (hopefully) soon be back to counting my blessings and feeling lucky to be where I’m at and with who I’m with

But for now, reality sucks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

6 responses to “Sometimes reality sucks

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