Perfect doesn’t exist

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We are going to couples counseling

For as wonderful as things are going, there are things we still have to work on

Like arguing well

We rarely have big arguments, but when we do, his temper flares and he gets defensive and stops hearing what I’m actually saying

For my part, I react to his anger by pushing him away and questioning the longevity of our relationship

I have to admit, there was a sense of shame inside me when I first conceded to going to couple’s therapy

I mean, we aren’t even married yet and we already need professional help?

It felt like a defeat of sorts

Then my trauma kicked in

I had no idea how traumatized I was over my last experience of couples therapy until I had to reconcile with the fact that I was going to be attending couples therapy once again

The night before and the day of the session, I was a wreck

I would erupt into uncontrollable sobs suddenly and it felt as though my divorce was happening all over again

I texted my friend Anthony, who told me what I logically knew (that it was not the same as when I was getting a divorce) but it helped that he reinforced it and was very positive and supportive

I  finally had to take a Lorazepam (anti-anxiety medication) to calm myself down fully

While in the waiting room at the counseling center, I alternated between zoning out and breathing heavily

I kept telling myself “It’s not the same” over and over again, even as my body screamed the opposite

When we met the therapist and the session started on it’s way, I felt my fear and anxiety diminish

It was not the same

This time around, it was not the end of something

This time, the therapist didn’t take sides and make me feel ousted

This time, I had a partner who was willing to take responsibility of his own actions and contributions to the conflict

This time, we left the session hand in hand

Just as I start feeling like I’m this awesomely evolved human being who has all her shit together, I am made to realize that I’m not even close to done with working on my shit

And then I tell myself, “I think that’s a good thing”

Because life is about constantly growing and learning and admitting that we don’t have it all figured out

Perfect human beings don’t exist

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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