Limbo

Mr. Artist and I went on a four day trip to San Diego

It was a much needed vacation and we had a wonderful time

During this trip, we connected in a lot of ways and I was able to experience the enormity of his love for me without distraction

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as loved as he makes me feel

In essence, the trip was perfect

So why do I feel guilty?

I believe there is a part of me that still hasn’t forgiven myself for wanting a divorce

Twice during our stay, I woke up from sleep expecting my ex to be in bed next to me

I was surprised both times when it was Mr. Artist

My dreams were also disturbed while I was there, full of being chased, hiding, and crying

But the minute my conscious self became alert, those feelings disappeared

Part of me still believes I don’t deserve to be this happy

San Diego reminds me of my ex wife a lot

I still grieve the happier times with her, more than I realized

I will never have the type of connection with anyone the way I was connected to her

For all of its dysfunction, it was a beautiful connection

I have an absolutely amazing connection with Mr. Artist, but it’s not the same

So I walk in this limbo of complete bliss and painful grief because I’m incredibly happy now but I also miss what was and feel guilty for having moved on

And that’s what I have to work on

I have to accept and celebrate what is and let go of what was

Sometimes it’s just so utterly painful to do so

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

3 responses to “Limbo

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