No apologies

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I am coming to terms with the fact that I love a flawed man

I know that I am, in no way, perfect

But this is not about me (mostly)

The truth is, I couldn’t have even imagined the type of man I’d end up with

That is, if I truly do end up with him

My illusion of forever has been effectively smashed to bits by my divorce

I am now doomed to carry in me the knowledge of tragic endings

Mr. Artist remains a wonderful man

His wonderfulness, however, does not erase his flaws

And I am being made more and more aware of them as time goes on

Part of me feels like the honeymoon is over and we haven’t even gotten married yet

There are times when I wonder if I really want to stick this out

I continue to be on a sex diet, for reasons that have nothing to do with my own desire for it

We have had the stupidest arguments in the world that I did not initiate because they were stupid and I was aware of that fact before they became an “issue” which became an argument against my will

I find myself feeling like I’ve “been there, done that”, while he’s just learning about what being in a deeply connected relationship is about

I sound frustrated

I think it’s because I am and I’m just realizing it now

I need to vent somewhere

We’ve been going through couple growing pains lately

I love him, that is a fact

But I am no longer the girl who blindly loves the problems away

I’m now a woman who thinks, “You need to get your shit together because there’s no fucking way I’m going to deal with it”

I take care of me and my shit. Period.

For his part, he knows I’m not going to deal his shit out for him, so he is trying

As long as he tries, I’ll stay around

I’m committed to that

Because I love him, more than I’d like to admit to myself

But my fear of getting into something where I feel stuck and I’m carrying the whole relationship again, keeps me from being a ride or die

Sorry Lana Del Rey, that’s not who I am anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

5 responses to “No apologies

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