What dreams may come

I had a dream last night

I dreamt that my ex wife and I were in the process of getting a divorce but we still lived together

She had returned home after spending some time away and I was already used to a solo routine

She kept “messing up” my timeline and soon my carefully planned out schedule was falling apart, leading me to be late for work and the house to look like a disaster

In the dream, I kept telling her how glad I was that I no longer had to do all the cleaning

She never commented on it and just accepted my statement, because it was true

The house was no longer part mine

At some point she started trying to talk me into taking responsibility of her need to lose weight

She was giving me excuses as to why she was gaining it and how she had to buy fast food for lunch

In frustration, I yelled at her, telling her that I made my own lunch everyday and she could do the same for herself

Somehow it turned into her wanting me to make some kind of appointment for her and I said very matter of factly, “That’s not my problem”

She persisted and again I said, “That’s not my problem”

The third time she tried to guilt me into it, I told her again, “That’s not my problem” and she caught herself, finally accepting it

We were inside a building walking to a glass door, I was leaving to the outside and she was staying. Right before we parted ways, I turned to face her, holding her by the shoulders, and said, “I love you, but I can’t live with you.”

Then I woke up

I know the significance of this dream

It means that I have let go

Not of my love for her, nor my memories, but of the responsibility of caring for her and the painful burden that came with it

My therapist said that I may start to have some dreams of her since the anniversary of her (and my) uncle’s death is approaching

She said I may have a need to feel like I want to connect with her more as the date gets closer, because in my head, the two losses are entwined

And she’s right

There’s a part of me that desperately wants closure, the part of me that wants to relive a sacred connection with someone I shared such deep love with, even if it’s just to cry and reminisce about someone we both lost

I know it’s unlikely that will ever happen and it’s probably for the better

Old wounds are best left untouched

Both losses are still painful, but the degree to which the pain affects me has lessened

I suppose that’s what working through grief looks like

I have found love and support through various other sources

I am loved in ways I have never experienced before and I am soaking in the nourishment

My happiness is shining over my sadness, creating a fertile environment for healing

I suppose this is what love after loss feels like

Dreams are often windows into our subconscious

Mine has just showed me how far I’ve come