Lean in


I wrote this last Tuesday. That was a rough day. I’m much better now.

Image result for person in front of beach wave

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A wave of grief crashed in on me, the force so strong, it deflated my lungs

An inexplicable pain in my heart radiated throughout, causing me to weep uncontrollably

The tide drew back and I caught my breath, thinking the worst was over

Then another wave swelled up, stronger and longer than the previous one

I sobbed until I had no more strength and the wave subsided into foam

Curled up, I waited for the next one to attack and overpower me

I knew I could not fight it

“Lean in”

The words echoed in my mind

Who would choose to lean into pain?

“There is an end. This is just a wave. Go with it. Lean in.”

My instincts told me to fight ferociously or give up altogether, but leaning into it seemed a foreign concept

Leaning in demands acceptance that it is happening, that it’s going to happen again, and as painful as it is in the moment, it will pass

It is both giving in and fighting at the same time

So another wave swallowed me and as I felt my body being engulfed, I stayed still, letting it flow through like poison in the blood stream

I told myself through tears and pain that this was just a moment

I briefly wished for death, then I reminded myself that this feeling would pass and I would feel other sensations besides agony once again

I would remember what happiness, love, and pleasure felt like sooner than I could momentarily comprehend

As I accepted the pain, I assumed that the wave would carry me to whatever destination it so desired

But I realized that I was being held steady by strong arms

And while those arms didn’t protect me from the hurt, they kept me from being swept away into the dark current

I knew my prayers were not in vain

The hummingbird that came to my feeder just long enough for me to see it, verified who’s arms they belonged to

About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

2 responses to “Lean in

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