Living in a dream while hurting


I’m living a Nicholas Sparks novel

I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me unconditionally

He tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me daily

He’s affectionate

He loves spending time with me doing everything and nothing

He gets along with my family

He’s a very attentive lover

And he comes over after a 10 hour workday with pretty yellow flowers just to sit with me because I’m feeling sad

The fact is, I’ve been wanting to cry for the past two days

The tears have been stuck deep inside, like an emotional constipation

I haven’t been thinking about anything specific, but I’m continuously inundated with memories of my ex and our life together

I didn’t realize until recently just how much emotional energy I’ve been putting into stopping and reframing negative and guilty thoughts surrounding those memories, not to mention the sadness I’m constantly battling over the loss

Because you see, I love this new life with my new love

I want to enjoy it

But the grief over the end of my old love is still making its way through my heart and I don’t know how long the freshness of that loss will remain

So I have days like today, where I feel inexplicably sad and just want to cry without really having a reason for it

I’m surrounded by amazing blessings but then I can’t help but have moments of extreme pain from the sadness

This is living with grief (being predisposed to depression doesn’t help either)

I push through as much as I can so that I am moving on and remaining present, but sometimes I get so tired from fighting all the time and it just overwhelms me

I wonder when I’ll start to feel “normal” again or if “normal” is just an old wives tale

I’m not the same woman I was and I’ll never be her again

I both rejoice and mourn over that truth because there are parts of her that came to life but other parts of her that died

I am learning to accept that

But I just want to get through a month without bursting into tears every other week

I’ll get there eventually…right?

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

6 responses to “Living in a dream while hurting

  • laurelwolfelives

    Some loves…you never really stop grieving over and maybe you shouldn’t. If you love somebody so deeply and then simply “get over it,” it must not have been real love.
    I wish I grieved for Loser but I don’t.
    Grieve for what once was…and you might grieve on some level for the rest of your life but what that means is that somebody was so important to you and their loss was so great, it left a scar. That scar will fade but it will always be there as a reminder.
    To have experienced a great love is in itself, a wonderful gift…even if it ends.
    Sending you a big cyber-hug, my sweet girl. 🙂

    • samlobos

      Thank you, Laurel. I really appreciate your support. And I think you’re right, I may never fully stop grieving but hopefully it will be less intense. Sending you a hug back 💙

  • Mouse

    Yes, it WILL get better! (Side question: is this your first Xmas post-divorce? The first set of holidays “post” always sucks – did for me, and has for all my friends and everyone I’ve talked to. Then it gets better. Promise!) I love this line: “I’m not the same woman I was and I’ll never be her again.” So profound! Nope, you’re not the same, you’re a new person. (And you have a hot bf – who sounds pretty awesome! 😀 ) Yes, it will get better. Be where you’re at right now, because it’s all normal and good and exactly where you should be. But know that your future looks “up.” Hugs, Sam! 🙂 ❤

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