Grief and validation

There are times when I feel so tired of being sad

I get impatient and feel guilty for taking time to be sad

I took yesterday and today off of work

I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about it

Even though I made an effort to deal with my anniversary emotionally on Sunday, my body has memorized the day and I found myself desperately needing to be alone

Although Tuesday was the actual day, I was able to push through it to make it to the end of work

I had a horribly emotional dream on Tuesday night in which I was yelling at her and people who used to be my friend but stopped being my friend because they took her “side”. I told them how angry and hurt I was. I even slapped her in the face, I was so upset. Needless to say, I woke up feeling disturbed, sad, and exhausted.

I was incredibly anxious and irritable on Wednesday and today I am sad and teary

I know logically I am grieving, but I often feel like maybe I’m being too sensitive, too weak, too emotional

I wonder if I’m handling it “right” or if I’m making it worse

My ever persistent need of validation (because I didn’t get much validation as a child) led me to look up grief on Google

And I found a small blurb on Web MD about the stages of grief

Although I already intrinsically know about these stages, there was something about reading them and realizing how they mirror my own experience that is comforting

I especially found the statement that “there is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define his or her own healing process” to be especially soothing

In reading the sections of Factors that May Hinder Grief and Factors that May Help Resolve Grief, I found reassurance that what I am currently doing for myself is helpful and healthy

Last year and the beginning of this year, I didn’t grieve very healthily

I was focused on survival and I did some really impulsive things (primarily in dating)

I think I also avoided feeling the grief as much as I could, only acknowledging it when forced to

But I know better now and that stuff didn’t work

So I’m doing my best to heal in the way I know how

And Web MD just validated that I’m on the right track

I’m praying, I’m focusing on my blessings, I’m going to therapy, I’m talking to people,

I’m taking time to be sad, I’m writing about it

I’m doing everything I know to do

So when I feel like maybe I’m not doing enough or maybe I’m not doing it “right”, at least I can Google it and remind myself that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be

Because sometimes any glimmer of validating light is enough to get you through the dark

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

5 responses to “Grief and validation

  • laurelwolfelives

    I skipped the angry phase of grief and I think that’s why I never got out of the depression state. I wish I had beaten the shit out of somebody but I know how it feels. It hurts and I have never wanted to make anybody hurt.
    You’re right. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. Some of us never stop, I think. It may not be good for us but it sure lets us know that we’re still alive. My sweet Sam. Hugs to you 🙂

    • samlobos

      Thank you, Laurel. 💙It also said we can revisit different stages of grief throughout our lifetime so you may enter in the angry stage yet. It’s true, we grieve our own way in our own time. My problem is that I feel like I’m abnormal for it when I logically know it’s a normal process. I love you, my sweet friend. Thank you for your support 💙

  • rachel

    i’ll hold some light up for you any time you need it. 💙

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