Saving grace

I’m struggling

Really, really struggling

I’m fighting with all my might but I feel like I’m going down in a blaze

Grief has taken a hold of me and has spawned a deep sadness that won’t let me go

I haven’t been wanting to write because that would mean admitting that I’m falling when I don’t want to fall

Some days I’m okay, most I’m not

I wonder if I’ll ever heal

If I’ll ever be rid of this sadness

This month is the first of three that are extremely triggering for me

Not only is it the holidays but it is also the time of year when my marriage dissolved

Maybe it’s odd that I should mourn a relationship that I chose to walk away from

It makes perfect sense to me

Not only was it 13 formidable years of my life, but this was a person who I loved with every fiber of my being

She was like one of my limbs and leaving her was like having to sever it

She was my mother, my father, my sister, my lover, and my best friend

But staying meant suffocating and staying the same

Leaving meant being able to grow, but leaving my life as I knew it behind

No one will ever be able to fill the void that she left

I can only hope the void will get smaller with time

Some days are really hard, like today

I wished I could go to sleep and never wake up

I haven’t had those thoughts in a long time, but they are slowly making themselves known again

My saving grace is my faith and my Valentine

I don’t think anyone understands just how special that little pug is to me

There are days where the only reason I get out of bed is because I have to take care of him

There are times where I feel so alone that I swear that I want to disappear and die and then he’ll come around and lick me, reminding me that there is a reason to live

I function because I’m fighting to survive myself

Valentine gives me another reason to fight

I worry about who would take care of him and how much he would miss me

I don’t want to hit bottom

I’m afraid of what that would look like

The fall is already so painful

I can only imagine the pit being three times that

I’m trying, so very, very hard

I’m so tired

So very, very tired

I want so badly to stop being sad

Please, make it stop

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

19 responses to “Saving grace

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