The healing that hurts

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The more that Mr. Artist and I become closer in our coupledom, the more memories are stirred up for me from my marriage

And with those memories comes great pain

It feels as though the thing that is helping me to heal is also causing me distress

I’ve never had a broken bone or a dislocated joint but I imagine this is what it must be like

Except this emotional pain isn’t a one time jolt of agony

No, instead it happens over and over again, often out of the blue and when it’s most inconvenient

Like spending the last hour of work crying instead of seeing a student like I wanted to

Some memories are more painful than others, especially those that guilt attaches itself to

In reality, I’m constantly reminded of her in my everyday life

It’s nearly impossible for me not to relate most things back to her

Her influence on me was almost as strong as my parents, maybe even a little more so

So you see, I have to deal with a sort of ache daily

I’m waiting for the ever present throb to fade, which will happen with time

It’s going to be two years now, but it’s still fresh enough

When I’m blindsided by the power these memories still carry, I get frustrated that I’m not “over it” yet and that I still get winded from dealing with them

I think, “What’s wrong with me?” and “Will I ever stop hurting?”

I hope this is normal

I’m told it is

I have to tell myself to allow myself some grace

To be okay with hurting and know that it’s part of the process

Because I’ve been through stuff

I’ve experienced great heartbreak and loss on various levels, to the point where I will never be the same again

I hurt

There’s no shame in that

It just means I’m healing







About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

10 responses to “The healing that hurts

  • Tricia Sankey

    sounds like a normal reaction for someone who cared and still cares! Good to feel the emotions and not block them. Just hang in there and time will do it’s thing.

  • YuMin Ye

    There is nothing wrong with you.

  • Mouse

    One book that really helped me understand the grieving process was “Healing the Child Within,” by Charles Whitfield. I’ve read it twice now, in the 2 years since my therapist first gave it to me. He describes how we have to allow ourselves to grieve through things in order to get to the other side – it’s the only way. However, we can concurrently grieve present losses and past ones, if we’d never allowed ourselves to grieve them previously. (You’re probably already familiar with this book, given your profession, and since it’s been out forever, but thought I’d mention it, just in case.) Hugs, Sam! โค

  • survivednarc

    I relate very much to this! I think the people who “get over” losing a loved one through divorce or other ways, in a jiffy, they can not have felt real deep love and connection to that person… love felt on a deep level will take a long time to let its grip loosen around us. My first love, losing him, I cried for a year almost daily, and then grieved for another year. That was a long time ago, and I am over it now, but it took several years before the grip of that love had finally loosened from my heart. So do not feel weird or abnormal. You are just a feeling loving person is all. Hugs ๐Ÿ’™

  • Just me

    the juice isn’t worth the squeeze if it doesn’t hurt a bit…? I dunno. Shat do I know.

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