It’s during the times where I get exactly what I want, that I appreciate him the most.
Like today, I really just wanted to take a nice long nap, eat whatever I wanted (which turned out to be a PB & J sandwich, chicken nuggets, ice cream and a Kit Kat bar), and watch Sex and the City to my heart’s content while flipping through magazines.
Oh yeah, and maybe write.
There was no room in my plans for him.
Truth be told, I needed a little break from Mr. Artist.
As wonderful as he is, he can still get on my nerves, especially when he’s being silly. And he’s especially silly when he’s happy, which I apparently make him.
So I told him I was going to rest tonight and stay in by myself. Being the amazing boyfriend that he is, he was perfectly okay with this and knowing him, he probably needed a break himself.
I have thoroughly enjoyed this evening.
Except that in my enjoyment, I still miss him.
It’s this struggle I have in which I love spending time with him, but also crave spending time alone.
Coming out of an enmeshed relationship, this is a new struggle for me, but one I can appreciate. I am finally not only at peace with being alone without feeling lonely, but I actually desire alone time because I enjoy it.
My universe no longer revolves around someone else.
I am my own solar system now.
Taking time away from him allows me the space to reflect on how I am so grateful to have his love. It makes me miss him more, which in turn, makes me appreciate him more as well.
Watching a show where women my age are scrambling around to find a decent guy to love and suffer heartbreaks and bad sex in the meantime, also adds to my appreciation for him.
Still, I want what I want and need what I need. And tonight that was spending time away from my wonderful lover.
I’ve learned how to ask for what I want or need. Even if it means disappointing someone or even hurting their feelings. Even if I’m completely in love with that person.
His understanding keeps me in love with him. So does how hard he tries. We had our first “argument” two weeks ago. It was so, so stupid. But it brought up some old fears and concerns from my marriage and consequent divorce. Patterns and mistakes that I don’t want to repeat.
We talked it out. Shared our points of view. I apologized (which is soooooo hard for me to do, but I’m working on it) and he apologized too. Then I shared my fears.
I explained to him that both me and my ex-wife had our own issues that we brought to the relationship and while I was motivated and consistent in working on mine, she was less so. I had no idea how much of an impact her childhood issues were having on us until it was over. I told him how I genuinely believe that if she had been working on herself earlier and more consistently, that we would probably still be together. I feel that is the absolute truth.
He made an appointment to see a therapist after hearing that. It’s something he’s considered in the past but hasn’t done because the idea of talking to a stranger about his problems makes him really uncomfortable. He said he wants us to work. That he’s willing to meet me in the middle if I’m willing to meet him in the middle.
That’s really all I ever wanted.
To have my love and efforts valued enough for someone to work as hard to make it work as I do.
I’m not the 20 year old girl in love for the first time anymore.
I’m 34 (going on 35) and I’ve lived a lifetime, gotten my heart broken and had my dreams destroyed.
I am cautiously optimistic with Mr. Artist.
I love him and everyday I make a choice to keep loving him.
But no one is going to hold my universe in their hands ever again.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but only if it works.
Only if we work.
I will not turn a blind eye to warning signs of little things that will turn into huge things in the future.
I will not settle for anything less than being met halfway.
He’s such an amazing sweetheart, but even amazing sweetheart’s have their downfalls.
I keep no secrets from him.
He knows my conditions.
And for all of his efforts so far, I love him that much more.