Apathy and not giving a fuck

Image result for apathetic images

I’m in the apathetic phase of depression

I can now shower and dress without becoming completely exhausted but it’s still draining to be around other people

I can tolerate it more, but just barely

In fact, all I want to do is watch Sex and the City and read magazines

I’d actually rather do that than hang out with my boyfriend

It’s fucked up, but I don’t even have the energy to care about how fucked up it sounds

In fact, if you visited inside my head and heard all the thoughts I’ve had, you’d probably think I am a complete asshole

Welcome to the irritable side of depression

Thankfully I have enough sense to keep those thoughts to myself because if I didn’t, I’d have a lot of apologizing to do when I finally get out of this

My libido is still on vacation

I’ve given Mr. Artist one (brief) kiss on the lips in 5 days

I’m plenty affectionate in other ways

I hug him, stroke his hair and arm, kiss his cheek and forehead when he’s laying on my lap, but I have no desire for anything remotely sexually stimulating

It’s a good thing he’s in love with me because I have a feeling my libido is going to take its time returning from Bali or wherever it flew off to

It’s a bit brutal since we went from having sex almost every day to nothing in almost a week and just from experience with past episodes, it’ll probably be another week before I’m back to being 100%

And yet, I don’t even feel bad about it

Because I’m trying to take care of me and I don’t have energy to invest in caring about how it affects anyone else

Hence, the apathy

I genuinely don’t give a fuck about anything except myself and Valentine because he makes me feel good

Everything else is just going through the motions because I know eventually I will care again

Depression is like having a thick, transparent film between you and the world

When you are coming out of a depressive episode, the film gradually gets thinner and thinner

The colors slowly get more brilliant

Things start to come into focus

You start to actually be able to experience the world instead of just watch it from afar

And then one day, you realize the film is completely gone

No one else can tell the difference, but you just know

I can feel my depression slowly lifting, but there are layers

Layers only I can see and feel

So seeing as I’m currently in full on self-preservation mode,

apathy will just have to do for now

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

5 responses to “Apathy and not giving a fuck

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