I’m not sorry

Sometimes I wonder why I chose this profession

Why would an introvert with depression choose to become a mental health therapist?

I know the sentimental reasons why I chose this career, but logically it doesn’t make sense

It’s a profession of giving

Giving time, energy, emotion

And it’s a profession of taking

Taking in other’s pain, sadness, anger, powerlessness

It’s about tying to make sense of the senseless

And stirring up hope in the hopeless

It’s a constant tightrope act of keeping boundaries

Sometimes I need to take space to be alone to rejuvenate

My tendency toward becoming depressed is a great indicator when my self reserves are getting too low

Today is one of those days

I planned on going to work

But when I woke up this morning, I knew I needed to take a day for me

Because even though I had a three day weekend, those days didn’t really belong to me

They belonged to doing have to’s and should’s that I don’t have energy to do during the week

It’s just maintaining my current level of functioning

It’s not replenishing

And I need replenishment

I could tell by the way my thoughts were turning negative

Yesterday night I looked at myself in the mirror and felt gross

While I don’t ever look in the mirror and think, “You sexy beast”, I also don’t normally think, “You’re gross”

It shocked me that I thought it and even more so that I couldn’t just shake it off

I was going to put on something cute and sexy to greet Mr. Artist in but that feeling convinced me to put on my t shirt and shorts pajamas because I felt self-conscious and thought “I would look ridiculous. Who am I kidding, there’s nothing sexy about me.”

(Anyone who’s read me for any amount of time knows that is absolutely not like me)

Of course, my pajamas did nothing to deter his attraction and we did end up having sex (I’m really easy to turn on, unless I’m in a full blown depression or really upset about something), but I had a hard time climaxing

I’m pretty sure it’s because 1) I took my antidepressants the night before, and 2) my mental energy was elsewhere, trying to battle off negative and crazy making thoughts

Seriously, I get some stupid thoughts sometimes and I don’t tell him because I know they are just ridiculous and I don’t want him to feel bad

One thought was being afraid that all he wants from me is sex

This thought is absolutely ridiculous (anyone who has read about Mr. Artist knows this) and I know it is even as I’m thinking it but it still feels like a valid fear in the moment

Another thought was wondering about Mr. Nerd and wondering what being with him would have been like

(Yes, this is a WTF moment in which I have to remind myself that I am in the arms of a man who declares his undying love for me daily and I’m comparing him to a man I never met and who broke my heart into a thousand pieces)

This is how I know my mental health is taking a dip

So despite feeling guilty and like I’m being a weenie for taking a mental health day because I’m feeling on the verge of becoming depressed, I took a day off

I use my, “When I’m older, will I regret taking a day off” self talk to help myself feel better about it

I don’t expect anyone to fully understand how it feels to battle this kind of disorder because it seems like I’m relatively fine on the outside

But I know what I need, even if it seems silly to other people or like I’m a priss or a lazy employee

Of course, those fears are old messages I’ve received over the years that I still have to fight off in my head

It’s exhausting having to battle your own brain just to keep a level of functioning in tact

Writing this down feels good and even if I rambled on or didn’t make sense, I feel better

I’m not even going to re-read it a trillion of times like I usually do to make sure it flows right

Having a mental illness means not having to apologize for whatever gets you to the side of healthy

I struggle with depression and I’m not sorry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

31 responses to “I’m not sorry

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