Last night before I fell asleep, I panicked
I remembered that I had another life where I was another person
I lived in a house with 3 dogs and a wife
I had a blue car and knew nothing of dating
I had never worn heels and I wore boring underwear
The idea of having sex with a stranger was unimaginable
I was rigid and innocent and protected
I panicked because I’m a different person now in a different life
I’m someone I never thought I would be, with experiences I never thought I would have
I’ve made mistakes I would have condemned
Yet I have more grace than I ever had before
I told myself, “What have I become?”
“I’m tainted, I’m lost, I’m different”
But as I laid in my bed and looked at my surroundings, I realized that this life feels right
I’m different, it’s true
But who said different is bad?
Who said that I couldn’t change?
That I couldn’t make mistakes and learn and grow?
Who said that who I am now is wrong?
I told myself, “I’m happy now. It’s okay that I have a new life. That I am a new me”
But it’s more than okay
Because I color so beautifully with my broken crayons
I blend the colors and scribble outside the lines
I draw my own shapes and add my own details
I cake on the layers and peel the wrappers and I smile the whole time
And when I’m done, I’ll cry over my masterpiece that took years and pain and faith to create
This broken me is more than okay
Because now I feel whole