Trust and Doubt

My new favorite thing to do, is sit at my dining room table facing my patio, while I eat, and watch for hummingbirds.


I don’t always get to see any, but sometimes I get lucky.

Occasionally I’ll get lost in thought, especially when I have doubts about something.

The other day, I was very preoccupied in my head, wondering if I was heading in the right direction in my life.

Part of that was also wondering if Mr. Artist really is the one for me or if I’m just caught up in the rose colored honeymoon stage.

I was very deep in thought, combing through memories and experiences to see if I’ve missed any signs or red flags that point towards otherwise.

While I mindlessly focused on my plate, I happened to glance up just in time to see a hummingbird flying away from my feeder.

It made me think of how symbolic it was.

God is always there, I just have to look up.

So I remembered his faithfulness and said, “Okay, I trust you.”

Thursday night I got pissed off at Mr. Artist because he unknowingly said something stupid that sounded like objectification of women and had nothing to do with what I asked, which upset me.

Plus, he did this thing (that he does sometimes) where I couldn’t tell if he was joking or serious and even when I blatantly asked him to clarify, he  didn’t, so it really pissed me off more.

(I hate frustrating or confusing people and never do so on purpose, so it angers me when someone does it intentionally, joking or not. Probably a childhood thing)

Anyway, I told him he was pissing me off and I don’t think he knew what to do with that so he started back tracking a bit, which  just made it worse and by then I was done.

I had to work extra hard to bite my tongue because when I get angry, I want to say mean things and can cut a person into shreds.

He apologized before he left but all I could do was look at him and say good night.

When he got home, he texted me and said he felt bad about the way the evening ended.

I said, “Maybe the joke would have been funnier if I were a guy.”

Yes,  I’m snarky when upset.

He said my response was salt on the wound and wasn’t cool, then asked why I would say that.

I told him, “Because that’s something you would say to a guy. I was a bit offended by it.”

He apologized, saying he felt like an asshole and didn’t realize he offended me and could see how I would be offended.

Then he asked if I would accept his apology.

I said, “Of course I do. I just need time to cool off.”

So when telling my co-worker John about this exchange the next morning, I realized that I was feeling emotional and then I burst into tears.

Thankfully my co-workers are all therapists so this didn’t even phase him.

He asked me what this was bringing up for me and I kept saying, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

Then I started gathering my thoughts while wiping my tears.

I started talking about how terrified I am of making the same mistakes I did in my marriage.

In the early years of marriage, I didn’t express my anger or frustration, and instead I would hold it in, ignoring it away until it would overflow and then I’d rage out and say mean things.

Towards the later years, I worked very hard on being more communicative and expressing my emotions to her in non-blaming or hurtful ways.

It’s something I wasn’t perfect at, but I feel like I’ve improved 80%.

However, the resentment of un-expressed frustrations during the early years had embedded itself in me so that whenever she repeated those behaviors, it just added onto what was already festering inside, even as I tried to forget it.

When I got a divorce, I told myself I would not repeat that pattern again.

I have become very intentional in the way I communicate and express myself to others and especially now with Mr. Artist.

However, I had this fear that maybe I overreacted, said something hurtful, or that he would feel like I’m expecting too much from him and later resent me.

(That stems from my ex accusing me of having too high expectations and saying that I could never be pleased.)

I bounced these fears off of John and he said that he did not see my response as overreacting and was in fact very clear with Mr. Artist about what I felt and why.

He said that it sounds like Mr. Artist is just trying to keep up with me.

(We had talked about how Mr. Artist seems to have lived in this bubble where he hasn’t experienced or been exposed to much cultural sensitivity and being that he is white, he has this white man’s privilege that he didn’t even know he has and so I’ve been gently introducing more culturally sensitive ideas and perspectives to him because in some things, he is really kinda clueless)

And now I forget the reason why I wrote this.

Maybe just to keep track of my thoughts and reassure myself that I have changed and I am doing things differently this time.

Plus, I know I gush about Mr. Artist and how he sounds too good to be true, so I wanted to share that while he’s perfect for me, he’s really not perfect.

Still, I love him and I feel that as long as I keep trusting God and watching for his hummingbirds, things will work out the way they are supposed to, whatever that may be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

20 responses to “Trust and Doubt

  • sonofabeach96

    I think it’s great that you’re letting it happen, and not fighting it. You’re right, it’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. So long as you’re enjoying the ride, carry on. I’m happy for you, by the way. 😊

  • survivednarc

    I think it is good that you showed an honest reaction, much better than keeping things in for a long while and letting it fester, as you did more in the past. I am very similar to you in that way, that I tend to try and keep things locked up until they explode (in a relationship). I too have gotten a bit better at it with time, but it is still hard to change those patterns. I believe it stems from childhood experiences where our emotions may not have been validated in a constructive manner.. sounds like you are doing great though! There will always be some sort of “friction” I believe, even in good relationships. Other people are not us, and they cant read our minds. Luckily! 😁 I sometimes think of it as the waves of the ocean, crashing against rocky beaches, smoothing the surface of the rocks… it takes time.😊 Keep up the good work with being honest and smoothing the rock surface. 💙💙💙⚘

  • laurelwolfelives

    Let’s see….”your expectations are too high and you can never be pleased.” WTF? Is your ex kin to my “former” family? Fuck that. It’s called being true to yourself and not expecting anything from somebody that you don’t give yourself. Expectations too high? NO.
    Now….I had to laugh out loud at the “and now I forget why I wrote this.” (Still laughing by the way.)
    You didn’t elaborate on the circumstances…but I’m on your side! LOL

    • samlobos

      LOL!!! How I love you! You made me laugh! Yes, she fed me some beliefs about myself that I still fight because even though I knew it wasn’t true, a part of me figured, “well, if the person I trust the most in the world is saying this about me, maybe it’s true.” But I have to remind myself that was her own issues, not mine. You got it dead on, I don’t expect anymore from someone than what I give myself. You and I are kindred. 🙂

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Youappear to be letting things flow. That is a good mind set to be in.

    Hope you are well.

  • yelloweccentricity

    Beautiful. I love the natural flow between formal-speak and casually conversing with a friend you have in your writing. The way you write is so beautiful, and this definitely will not be the last time I visit this blog.

  • Crystal Empath

    I’m happy you are being so true to yourself; every step of the way!
    I’m happy that you have “real” people that support you, that you can trust; both in the so called real and virtual world.

    I’m happy Mr Artist cares enough to continue to try to both communicate and understand all forms of your interactions…it is a blessing.

    I’m happy you have this blog to vent and share your gift of writing and I’m happy that you can see your own value and worth…and that you dare to express it as necessary; despite, or inspite of your fears.
    I’m so happy that you are determined enough to strive to stay happy and fight for you to be truly heard and understood. It is indeed wonderful, to have a balance of giving and receiving with others in our lives. I think you are doing so well by living an authentic life, and others are so lucky to be in receipt of that overall.
    I’m mostly just happy that you are wholeheartedly living in the moment…with a view to the future much more these days.
    Your growth and journey is a blessing; hence the yield you are experiencing overall. ❤

    • samlobos

      Thank you so very much for your support. Your happiness for me makes me feel so loved and that much more happier. I believe that even being content and happy takes work and I’m so grateful to have found someone who seems to feel the same way. I’ve given up too much and come too far to not be authentic and true to myself. Sending you a hug💙💙💙💙

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