I believe this is the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.
Wasn’t it only a few short months ago I was confused and conflicted and crying every other day?
Strange how circumstances can change so quickly.
Life isn’t perfect.
Work is a bit stressful and there are things I’m still working on.
I have decided I have lingering trauma related to the experience of my former uncle in law’s murder. (I know I have to go to therapy to deal with it.)
I still experience an amount of grief over the dissolution of my marriage.
I still have flashes of heartbreak and moments of cringing over my subsequent impulsive dating decisions.
I am also very busy trying to study for one part of my licensing exam (for Marriage and Family Therapy). (Also why I’m behind in reading blog posts)
However, those things are secondary to the flood of happy I’ve been experiencing with Mr. Artist.
I am baffled at how I have been blessed with the love of such a wonderful man.
A man who stuck with me even as I had pushed him away several times.
A man who has the most honest and romantic ways of proclaiming his love for me on a daily basis.
A man who is dedicated to my well being, pleasure, and happiness.
A man willing to do anything to secure a future with me.
Yes, this man exists.
And he’s all mine.
I did nothing to deserve him.
I know I’ve had some extremely painful years and experiences of being very sad and unhappy.
But I still feel unworthy.
The only way I can explain it is that my prayers were answered.
And for that I am very grateful.
Part of me is afraid this will all go away.
That something tragic will happen and I’ll go back to what I’ve known.
I believe Brene Brown calls this “Foreboding Joy.”
I do my best to stay present and enjoy my happy.
I try not to linger on the darker thoughts my mind is accustomed to.
I’m still emotional, but in a different way.
Sometimes I feel so touched by something Mr. Artist says, I tear up.
It stirs something incredibly deep inside of me that I don’t even understand why I suddenly feel like bawling.
This usually happens when we are texting or talking on the phone so he doesn’t know that my silence or long pause is me trying to keep it together.
Sometimes I have to remind myself he is real.
When I wake up in the morning, I tell myself that I didn’t dream him up.
Sometimes I have to re-read the texts or emails to convince myself.
I no longer care to check other guys out.
I will notice an attractive man, but it stays there.
There’s no desire to flirt, to wonder if he’s noticed me, or curiosity of what it would be like to be the object of his (momentary) affection or attention.
The wandering eye I’ve struggled with in the past seems to be retired.
I know who I have and I’m completely, elatedly content with him.
Because he’s the best.
And there’s no fucking way I’m going back to mediocre after experiencing this.