Wandering eye no more

I believe this is the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

Wasn’t it only a few short months ago I was confused and conflicted and crying every other day?

Strange how circumstances can change so quickly.

Life isn’t perfect.

Work is a bit stressful and there are things I’m still working on.

I have decided I have lingering trauma related to the experience of my former uncle in law’s murder. (I know I have to go to therapy to deal with it.)

I still experience an amount of grief over the dissolution of my marriage.

I still have flashes of heartbreak and moments of cringing over my subsequent impulsive dating decisions.

I am also very busy trying to study for one part of my licensing exam (for Marriage and Family Therapy). (Also why I’m behind in reading blog posts)

However, those things are secondary to the flood of happy I’ve been experiencing with Mr. Artist.

I am baffled at how I have been blessed with the love of such a wonderful man.

A man who stuck with me even as I had pushed him away several times.

A man who has the most honest and romantic ways of proclaiming his love for me on a daily basis.

A man who is dedicated to my well being, pleasure, and happiness.

A man willing to do anything to secure a future with me.

Yes, this man exists.

And he’s all mine.

I did nothing to deserve him.

I know I’ve had some extremely painful years and experiences of being very sad and unhappy.

But I still feel unworthy.

The only way I can explain it is that my prayers were answered.

And for that I am very grateful.

Part of me is afraid this will all go away.

That something tragic will happen and I’ll go back to what I’ve known.

I believe Brene Brown calls this “Foreboding Joy.”

I do my best to stay present and enjoy my happy.

I try not to linger on the darker thoughts my mind is accustomed to.

I’m still emotional, but in a different way.

Sometimes I feel so touched by something Mr. Artist says, I tear up.

It stirs something incredibly deep inside of me that I don’t even understand why I suddenly feel like bawling.

This usually happens when we are texting or talking on the phone so he doesn’t know that my silence or long pause is me trying to keep it together.

Sometimes I have to remind myself he is real.

When I wake up in the morning, I tell myself that I didn’t dream him up.

Sometimes I have to re-read the texts or emails to convince myself.

I no longer care to check other guys out.

I will notice an attractive man, but it stays there.

There’s no desire to flirt, to wonder if he’s noticed me, or curiosity of what it would be like to be the object of his (momentary) affection or attention.

The wandering eye I’ve struggled with in the past seems to be retired.

I know who I have and I’m completely, elatedly content with him.

Because he’s the best.

And there’s no fucking way I’m going back to mediocre after experiencing this.

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

13 responses to “Wandering eye no more

  • Ocean Bream

    This is so beautiful. That feeling is the most wonderfully content feeling in the world. I wish you and him all the very very best, from the bottom of my heart. He is your lobster! 🙂

  • savingshards

    Sam…so very glad you have found this person and he has found you. So really, very, utterly glad. HUGS!

  • Crystal Empath

    This made my heart smile for you…all except the line ” I did nothing to deserve him”.
    Every step of the way you gave him all of you that you had to give, often feeling guilty for holding back whilst fighting off your demons, trauma, doubts and fear.
    I believe he wished for you…a deeply honest, passionate love. There is no doubt that he feels this love in return; and that dear one is because of you. ❤

  • Henry

    This is fantastic. I want this for myself, too!

    • samlobos

      Thank you. 😊 I didn’t believe relationships like this happened anymore, especially with Internet dating. But clearly I was proven wrong. I hope you find something wonderful as well.💙

      • Henry

        Thank you. I need that.

      • samlobos

        From what I’ve read of your blog, I think we probably have some things in common. I’ve done my share of pining for someone who was not available. I’ve never wanted something to work out so bad, second to my marriage and when he broke my heart, I think I cried for him more than I did when I got divorced. But he wasn’t who I needed and wouldn’t have been the best for me, even if I believed with my whole heart that he was. Now I’ve found someone who not only is available to me in every way, but he also chooses to do whatever it takes to be with me. It took me letting go of someone who never belonged to me in the first place to realize I had found my perfect match. I hoe your heartbreak heals and you decide to do what is best for you regarding your marriage.

      • Henry

        Thank you for this. Your advice is a recurring and resonating theme from others who have similar experiences and have plowed through similar fields.

      • samlobos

        You’re welcome. I wish you well

      • Henry

        Thank you. I will be well. I know it. It is just that I sometimes get beaten down from within and I fail to see the (positive) road ahead.

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