July 17th

I’ve been avoiding it

Part of me feels like I’ve given so much time and energy to him as it is

Why should I honor the anniversary of my heart being smashed into a million pieces?

Why acknowledge it, why give it any power?

Truth is, the day has already passed

July 17th

My body could sense it as it got closer to that date

I ignored it, treated it like any other day, but my heart wouldn’t let me go so easy

On that day and the two days prior to it, I started getting depressed and irritable

I blamed it on my medication, on being tired, on anything that wasn’t the year mark of the day in which a man who had promised to hold my heart with kid gloves and soft steps, dropped it and crushed it under his feet

I didn’t want to admit that it still hurt, that the date had any significance

But the more I ignored it, the worse I got

Mr. Artist noticed I was sad

I finally told him what the date was and what it meant to me

And then I stopped feeling so sad

Talking is powerful

Still, there is a bit of lingering melancholy around me

I know it worked out the way it was supposed to

I know now that it wouldn’t have lasted

I know that it had to happen

But it’s still a painful memory

I think about him in spurts

I wonder if he thinks about me

How he’s doing

If he’s any happier

I try not to let myself think about him for too long, otherwise it’s just going down a rabbit hole

I also think about his wife

I wonder if she trusts him

If she’s still hurting

If she thinks about me

I try not to let the guilt in

I’ve said all I needed to say

Cried all the tears I needed to cry

Asked the forgiveness I needed to ask

I tell myself, it’s in the past

It’s over

You are happy now

You are healing

And I am

I am happy

I am healing

I am moving on

But every now and then,

that scar still hurts

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

7 responses to “July 17th

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