I had a heart to heart with God today.
I’m feeling incredibly blessed lately.
I got the salaried position at work, which means I won’t be broke for much longer and I’ll get my health benefits back. 😀
Things with Mr. Artist are going more than well.
They are amazing.
We talk about marriage and children as comfortably as we do figuring out what to eat.
It’s no longer a matter of if, but a matter of when.
And I’m no longer terrified.
The longer I focus on the present, the less scary a future with him feels.
I’m actually getting excited about it.
We’ve only been “steady” for two months (not counting the 3 months of being off and on) but it feels like much, much longer.
I’m also growing.
The other day I had to drop something off at my ex-wife’s house (which used to be my house as well).
This is always triggering for me since it hurts to see the house I put so much love into, look so neglected now, which triggers immense amounts of guilt because then I start to think that my ex must be incredibly depressed and I’m mostly to blame for that, and then I start to worry about her.
You can see how it gets really dark, real quick in my head.
So I dropped off what I needed to as quickly as possible (making sure she was not home) and sped off, but not before those pesky thoughts and feelings latched on and followed me.
Ordinarily I’d let it eat me up inside, get all melancholic, and then distance myself from Mr. Artist.
But this time, from the moment I felt those thoughts invade, I fought.
I had to literally say out loud to myself, “Stay in the now. Be here now. It’s over.” over and over again, like a chant.
Then I had to go about rebutting the guilty feelings of having abandoned her and not having tried hard enough to stay and make things work.
Again, I found myself talking to myself out loud, saying things like, “You did try. You tried for 13 years. And you gave it your all. You aren’t responsible for how she feels. You didn’t break her heart on purpose or leave lightly. It was hard to leave. It would have been easier to stay, so no, it was not a flippant decision. You were left with nothing. You left her everything. You had to start over. She kept what we built. She can take care of herself. It’s not your job to worry about her anymore.”
I did that all day because that’s how invasive those feelings are.
But by that evening, I was able to spend time with Mr. Artist and not only enjoy our time together, but I also didn’t feel the need to talk about it.
It felt like a victory.
So as I mentioned, I’ve been feeling very blessed and I had to thank God for that.
But I didn’t stop there.
I also thanked him for the pain.
For the hard times, for the lonely moments, for the times I’ve felt lost.
I am grateful for all of it.
I’m grateful because without it, the joy I feel now wouldn’t be as vibrant.
I’m grateful because the pain is where I’ve grown the most.
I’m grateful because I survived and I’m all the better for it.
I’m grateful because now I am content with what I have.
I’m also grateful for my misadventures in dating.
From the cringe worthy to the okay, I’m glad I got to experience who was out there.
Because it made me all the more grateful to find someone like Mr. Artist.
Sure, I didn’t recognize it at first.
I was too caught up in my past hurts and in the dating game.
But dating around is overrated. (Seriously, it’s not that fun)
Eventually you just want someone who sees you as more than a product.
I’ve had my share of empty, meaningless sex and attention.
It’s like Chinese food, it fills you up for the moment but then an hour later you’re hungry again.
So finding someone like Mr. Artist is gold.
I’m so grateful for him and I know having him in my life had nothing to do with anything I did.
I fought falling in love with him all the way down.
And then gradually I stopped fighting.
Now I’m just completely and utterly in love with him.
And I know I’m going to marry him and have his babies.
I can say that with all certainty now.
It’s just a matter of when.
P.S. On a separate note, I’d written a post back in September about the things I prayed would happen in my life one year from then. I read it again and it appears like almost all of my desires have come true, except for the part of pursuing a long time goal, which I’m still working on. If you want to see how far I’ve come, read it: In One Year (Secret Prayer)