Little brother

Have you ever stared straight into the barrel of a gun and wanted to shoot it straight into your head?

I haven’t.

But my brother has.

I had to talk him down from committing suicide on Wednesday.

I’m still processing it.

It was over the phone.

He had gotten into an argument with my mother and both called me separately, crying.

My mom had talked to my sisters, so by the time I got back to her, she was okay.

My brother, on the other hand, was on the verge of a breakdown.

He was sobbing and in the midst of his sobs, he told me he had a loaded gun in his hands.

He kept crying, “I want to do it. I will do it. I want to do it so badly.”

He told me how he held it to his head.

I went into crisis therapist mode, which seems to be my specialty.

I listened and validated him.

IΒ kept repeatingΒ to him that he is not alone, that I was there, with him.

I told him to imagine I was there, holding his hand.

I told him I loved him.

I told him other things, things I don’t remember because I was trying desperately to deescalate him.

I asked him where the gun was.

He said he was holding it.

I asked him if he could put it somewhere else.

He said he couldn’t.

I said, “That’s okay. We’ll just keep talking until you feel comfortable moving it.”

So we talked.

More like he cried and vented while I listened and said things like, “It sounds like you are very overwhelmed.”

Eventually he started to calm down and he told me he dislodged it.

Then his girlfriend called and he promised to call me right back.

I waited an hour and called and texted him until he answered.

He was still tearful, but no longer contemplating suicide.

I was able to help him gain some perspective that things are not hopeless and can get better.

He told me he loved me and that he was glad he had a sister like me.

I’ve followed up with him since, and he’s stable for now.

I intend to keep following up with him consistently.

I haven’t told anyone this happened except for Mr. Artist.

I can’t tell my family, they will make it seem like he just wanted attention and probably drive him to the edge.

I haven’t told my friends because I’m not sure I’m ready to process it in all it’s complexity.

I think part of me is numbΒ in trying to protect myself of the gravity of what happened.

I’m only now realizing how scared and helpless I felt.

Sometimes I feel so heavy.

I’m doing the best I can.

And praying.

Doing lots of praying.

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

30 responses to “Little brother

  • sonofabeach96

    Thank God you were there to talk him down.

  • rachel

    me too. i just said a prayer for you both. πŸ’™

  • wonderme12

    You’re a wonderful sister with the biggest of hearts. Thinking of you both Xo

  • Tricia Sankey

    He was lucky to have someone with the right words and no judgement. I think everyone has a breaking point but it is good he reached out for help.

    • samlobos

      I agree. I kept telling him afterwards how glad I was he called and told him that if he ever needed to vent or felt that way again, not to hesitate to call me. God definitely intervened.πŸ’™

  • Mr Man

    Much love to you, Sam. Much, much love.

    • samlobos

      Thank you. I’m so grateful for my blogger friendsπŸ’™

      • Mr Man

        The last few years, for me, have been a lesson in the importance of connecting with others. When you don’t have that human connection to anchor you, things can feel very alone, very scary. Sometimes, just knowing that someone else truly, empathically understands your situation, makes all the difference. Sometimes, you need to talk with them, or see them. But the important thing is having that connection. It’s crucial. Your brother isn’t alone, and neither are you.

      • samlobos

        Yes, That is so true. Connection is very powerful and essential. Thank you πŸ’™πŸ’™

  • laurelwolfelives

    You’ll tell them when and if you are ready. You have told us and we are here for you. Oh, Sam. I am so sorry.
    Having a sister like you in his life is truly a blessing. You and I both know that what happened is not a ploy for attention. He is obviously so sad and feels desperate and desperate situations call for desperate measures sometimes.
    I’m so glad you were there for him. It must have been incredibly difficult for you but you were there for him.
    Sending hugs and strength….to both of you. πŸ™‚

  • survivednarc

    Very sorry to hear this! πŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’” so glad you could talk to him in that moment. I hope you are ok! And that he will find more light in this life. No one should have to experience such a level of sadness and darkness. It is hard to find any good words in this situation but please know I am thinking of you. Hugs! ⚘

  • shreyans

    What you did was great…nice post..
    shreyans

  • Nitin

    I really don’t know what to say. I’ve tried killing myself in the past too, which is why I know that feeling of utter hopelessness. People often think it’s just a ploy to get attention, but it’s not. Some of us lead such broken lives filled with pure emotional torture. I hope you’re okay after what you’ve been through.Stay in touch. Like you told me the other day: “There’s always hope.”

    • samlobos

      Thank you. I appreciate you reflecting my words back to me. I have contemplated suicide myself but never to the degree that my brother was in that moment. He’s doing better but I check in with him and pray for him almost daily. I hope you have someone to help you see the flicker of light when you feel the darkness is too thick. You are amongst kindred here. πŸ’™

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    A very disturbing post. I hope these thoughts your brother had will never return. Suicide is never a solution. Be well. I hope your brother can find peace.

  • Fred Colton

    Wow. Good luck to him. He’s lucky to have you.

  • Crystal Empath

    Perhaps your true gift and strength lies in amongst your blogs title… “a disturbed therapist”. You have said that crisis therapist mode is your speciality…this is no doubt, due to your deep connection with the shadow self and your passion to understand it. You connect with yourself and others in this way, with an intense honesty and genuine concern. You are a blessing to other sites and your brother is no exception. Your ex wife was a receiver of your generous gift to profoundly connect to others, no doubt.
    I’m sorry to hear that your brother found himself immersed in such overwhelming inner pain. Thankfully, he somehow knew to reach out to you. It was a blessing for sure. Keep connected as your intuition guides you. Im send him and yourself love and light. May you always find each other’s comfort as needed. Take care. You are doing so well Sam. Both of you are blessed indeed ❀

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