I have so much to say and yet, I find myself at a loss for words.
I recall a moment in January, while listening to this podcast about dating and the search for love in the middle of my heartache, dissolving into tears because I felt so lonely, hurt, and terrified that I was never going to find the right person.
That I would be alone forever.
I distinctly remember thinking, “I have no idea where I will be a year from now.”
I will never forget that feeling of utter loss and hopelessness.
It’s amazing how much a life can change over the course of a few months.
I would never have imagined being in love with a man who would do anything for me.
I could not imagine being as happy as I feel right now.
I remember being single and while watching all the couples around me, wondering how they found their way to each other.
It seemed like all the good guys were taken and sex was the only currency that made me valuable to the left over guys.
Then he came along and I did everything I could to push him away, but it didn’t work.
Falling for him wasn’t immediate.
It was quite the opposite, in fact.
I was convinced there was no way he was right for me.
And yet, I find myself falling deeper in love with him each day.
It’s not perfect, naturally.
I’m teaching him how to speak my language, how to give me what I need from a partner.
We’ve had discussions over things we might not agree on.
I call him out on his defense mechanisms, he calls me on mine.
There are times where I panic.
Like this past weekend, when we went to Laguna Beach.
I had a wonderful time with him, even though I stepped on a bee and got stung in the foot.
(That’s a whole other story)
While sitting on a bench in the evening, overlooking the waves and eating gelato, I was suddenly overcome with a sense that I was doing something wrong.
I was with the wrong person, he wasn’t my ex-wife.
What am I doing here?
It felt like I was in the middle of a dream and was being woken up with bits of reality.
Much like Vanilla Sky.
I was overcome with guilt, anxiety, and panic.
My instinct was to run away and end it.
But instead I took deep breaths and told myself to stay present.
“Be here now.”
I silently repeated to myself that I would have never been enough for her, that I was happy with him, this is my life now and that’s okay.
The feeling gradually trickled away.
I know I will continue to have those moments.
Like one day when he was over and I started crying for no reason that he knew of.
He tried distracting me at first, but since I didn’t respond, he eventually just held me, in the quiet, no questions asked.
That’s all I needed.
Then there are times like last night, being intimate and then lying naked, talking and laughing.
Teasing each other, then reflecting on our journey this far.
Being struck by his intense blue eyes, the look that pierces through any defense I think I have against him.
That look which makes me breathless and uncomfortable in the most exquisite way.
I find myself missing him more and more.
Sometimes as soon as I have to say goodbye.
I feel very blessed and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it.
Part of me feels like I’m being greedy.
I had the love of my life for 13 years, in which we were happy for a long time.
But it ran its course and I needed to let go.
Then in the span of a year and a half, I’ve found new love twice.
The first one ended in horrible heartbreak, but it was genuine love nonetheless.
A part of me will always love him.
Now this current relationship is a success story of OkCupid. (WTF, right?!?!)
I don’t know how I got here, except that I stumbled and tripped along the way and I have the scars to prove it.
I don’t know where this will lead, what my future holds, although I have a feeling marriage and little people are in it.
Just a hunch.
I try not to let that feeling freak me out as much as it has before.
Although, if you know me, I will most certainly have freak out moments of which I will write about.
For today, I am filled with love and happiness, something I didn’t think I would feel for a very long time.
To think, it happened right when I found peace with being on my own.
And when I finally decided to let go of what was and just be here, in the now.