Be here now

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I have so much to say and yet, I find myself at a loss for words.

I recall a moment in January, while listening to this podcast about dating and the search for love in the middle of my heartache, dissolving into tears because I felt so lonely, hurt, and terrified that I was never going to find the right person.

That I would be alone forever.

I distinctly remember thinking, “I have no idea where I will be a year from now.”

I will never forget that feeling of utter loss and hopelessness.

It’s amazing how much a life can change over the course of a few months.

I would never have imagined being in love with a man who would do anything for me.

I could not imagine being as happy as I feel right now.

I remember being single and while watching all the couples around me, wondering how they found their way to each other.

It seemed like all the good guys were taken and sex was the only currency that made me valuable to the left over guys.

Then he came along and I did everything I could to push him away, but it didn’t work.

Falling for him wasn’t immediate.

It was quite the opposite, in fact.

I was convinced there was no way he was right for me.

And yet, I find myself falling deeper in love with him each day.

It’s not perfect, naturally.

I’m teaching him how to speak my language, how to give me what I need from a partner.

We’ve had discussions over things we might not agree on.

I call him out on his defense mechanisms, he calls me on mine.

There are times where I panic.

Like this past weekend, when we went to Laguna Beach.

I had a wonderful time with him, even though I stepped on a bee and got stung in the foot.

(That’s a whole other story)

While sitting on a bench in the evening, overlooking the waves and eating gelato, I was suddenly overcome with a sense that I was doing something wrong.

I was with the wrong person, he wasn’t my ex-wife.

What am I doing here?

It felt like I was in the middle of a dream and was being woken up with bits of reality.

Much like Vanilla Sky.

I was overcome with guilt, anxiety, and panic.

My instinct was to run away and end it.

But instead I took deep breaths and told myself to stay present.

“Be here now.”

I silently repeated to myself that I would have never been enough for her, that I was happy with him, this is my life now and that’s okay.

The feeling gradually trickled away.

I know I will continue to have those moments.

Like one day when he was over and I started crying for no reason that he knew of.

He tried distracting me at first, but since I didn’t respond, he eventually just held me, in the quiet, no questions asked.

That’s all I needed.

Then there are times like last night, being intimate and then lying naked, talking and laughing.

Teasing each other, then reflecting on our journey this far.

Being struck by his intense blue eyes, the look that pierces through any defense I think I have against him.

That look which makes me breathless and uncomfortable in the most exquisite way.

I find myself missing him more and more.

Sometimes as soon as I have to say goodbye.

I feel very blessed and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Part of me feels like I’m being greedy.

I had the love of my life for 13 years, in which we were happy for a long time.

But it ran its course and I needed to let go.

Then in the span of a year and a half, I’ve found new love twice.

The first one ended in horrible heartbreak, but it was genuine love nonetheless.

A part of me will always love him.

Now this current relationship is a success story of OkCupid. (WTF, right?!?!)

I don’t know how I got here, except that I stumbled and tripped along the way and I have the scars to prove it.

I don’t know where this will lead, what my future holds, although I have a feeling marriage and little people are in it.

Just a hunch.

I try not to let that feeling freak me out as much as it has before.

Although, if you know me, I will most certainly have freak out moments of which I will write about.

For today, I am filled with love and happiness, something I didn’t think I would feel for a very long time.

To think, it happened right when I found peace with being on my own.

And when I finally decided to let go of what was and just be here, in the now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

29 responses to “Be here now

  • Abbie

    Good for you!! Taking itslow and addressing apprehensions as they come upseem to be a good thing.
    I wonder if he knows about your wife? You said you didn’t want to tell him why you were crying…? I know I’ve struggled with when to let my new love know about things from my past that would be awkward to talk about. But, if he’s the right one, he’ll be ok, if not immediately, soon after.
    I met my (perfect for me) husband online. I wish you the best! 😀

  • savingshards

    Oh Sam, so good to hear the hope in your voice. **My heart is glad for yours** Hugs.

  • survivednarc

    This warms my heart. So glad that you have stayed the course and explored things and not made any hasty decisions. You deserve every day of happiness. Enjoy and cherish! 🙂 This gives me hope too, I must say. Life really can turn on a dime sometimes. In good ways and bad ways. I hope this lasts for as long as you want it too and that you have lots of happy days!! 🙂 💜

    • samlobos

      Thank you, dearest friend. If I’ve learned anything so far, it’s that life will continue on with or without my objections. Anything can happen, I truly believe that. And I have hope for you as well because you are too wonderful and full of love not to find it again. 💙💙

      • survivednarc

        This kind of love and hope is contagious isn’t it! 😉 Hope always stays with me, for some reason. And you help to keep it alive even more. 💙💜💙

  • Sunny Lanning

    So many people are afraid to be happy. They nitpick, find fault, hedge, doubt. Don’t be them; be you, in every moment.

  • laurelwolfelives

    “Marriage and little people?” How wonderful that is to hear. Last year I don’t think you would have even seen that possibility….now you are saying it out loud (or at least typing it out loud.)
    I am so so happy for you! 🙂

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Glad to hear you are happy. I hope you always stay that way. Always keep love and hope in your heart.

  • Mr Man

    Well, look at you, being all happy n stuff 😉

    • samlobos

      Ha,ha! Yup. I’m trying not to let myself get in the way. 😉

      • Mr Man

        Ah, but it’s not about anything getting in the way. It’s about, well, currents, I guess. It’s easier to move with than move against. I’m not saying I’m making a lot of sense. That, and you are not your enemy combatant.

        You aren’t in your own way. Your heart, mind, soul, body are all occupying the same place at the same time, while still going off on each of their own nutrient-seeking mission. They all kind of need different things, but you can get those things from the same sources. I’m rambling. Whatevs. So, then you’ve got this kind of complementary energy alchemy-chemistry thing going on, so effects are amplified. It’s like the nutritional magic that is rice and beans (for serious, this is like the Welbutrin and Prozac of food (or is Welbutrin and Prozac the beans and rice of pharmaceutical s? I struggle with the big questions).

        What I mean to say, after all that, is you aren’t tripping yourself up. You’re just trying to navigate the individual courses for all the parts of yourself. The nice part is that you can definitely do it.

      • samlobos

        You make a lot of sense. That, or odd minds understand each other. 😉 Thank you. I appreciate your point of view, especially because I can be very blamey and hard on myself. Anyone who can help me feel less crazy is gold in my book. 😘

  • wonderme12

    So many wonderful things in this post and I can ‘hear’ your smile 💙💙

  • smellingmint

    Have you finally fallen in love reasonably?! I am in awe! Great stuff girl glad you are happy beautiful xxx

    • samlobos

      I think I have! It’s quite foreign to me and of course I overthink it at every turn, but it is most certainly love and one that I have not lost myself in. Thank you, it’s great to hear from you! 😄

      • smellingmint

        Wow wow love without losing yourself! I love the line in Eat Pray Love where Javier Bardem says Julia Roberts needs a champion. It sounds from your posts that you might have found that. Great to hear from you too xx

  • Crystal Empath

    I can’t get past “hearing” about marriage and little people and how you are talking yourself down or up (in truth) when you wander off, for a moment in fear.
    Bless you Sam. It makes me smile and warms my heart, to read this. Stay happy and mostly in the now where you are cherished (its okay to dream and ponder feelings, as long as you continue to come back “home” to the present)

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