Never enough

I’m really good at feeling guilty about things

Especially things I have no control over

Granted, being raised by parents who were experts at making you feel guilty for things you couldn’t help, like being a child or not being perfect, will teach you how to be real good at carrying irrational guilt

Couple that with depression, which by nature makes you feel guilty for simply existing, and I’m fucked

Except that I fight it

Constantly

I’ve been struggling lately with feeling guilty about leaving my ex-wife

It’s not that I regret my decision, my gut knows I made the right one, but I find myself thinking, “What more could I have done? Did I give up too soon? Was it my fault?”

Most of all, though, I feel like I let her down

I left her alone when I was the only one she had

There, that’s where the weight of my guilt comes from

She’s lost everyone who ever loved her unconditionally (except her aunt) and now I’m one of them

This guilt has been eating me up alive

Then this morning, as I was praying, I realized I was never going to be enough

I couldn’t love her enough to get her to love herself

I couldn’t motivate her enough to get her to be motivated for herself

I couldn’t fight enough to get her to fight for herself

I was never enough no matter how hard I tried

And I tried

I lost myself trying to be enough but even that was not enough

Because I was just a Band Aid to the voids she felt

We were no longer growing together, we were suffocating each other

I had to love myself enough to know it was time to go

When I think about it that way, the guilt lightens around my chest

I still worry for her happiness

I desperately want her to be happy

But I have to remind myself that is up to her, not me

It was never my job to make her happy

That’s a burden too heavy for anyone to carry

For someone like me, it’s hard to accept that I don’t have anything to feel guilty about

My mind is clear about it, but my heart says otherwise

That’s my work

I have to learn to let the guilt go and stop punishing myself

Forgive myself for not being enough

Allow myself the freedom to pursue my own happiness

Stop living in “what was”

It’s so incredibly difficult

But I know it’s worth the work

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

13 responses to “Never enough

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