Waxing nostalgic

He says things that cause both alarm and glee inside of me

I’ve noticed he’s become more comfortable with eluding to marriage when he talks about our future together.

Our future.

This phrase is hard for me to compute.

We were sitting in a movie theater and the music video to Pink’s new song for Alice through the Looking Glass was playing.

At the end of the video, Pink’s real life husband is apparently institutionalizing her because she has “gone mad.”

Jokingly, Mr. Artist leaned over and told me that probably would be him if we were to get married.

Yesterday, he kissed me on the forehead and I asked him why he does that because it makes me feel like it’s something you would do to a child.

He explained that he sees it as a gesture of a deep sense of affection, like someone you love very much, like a woman who might be your future wife.

On one hand, it’s amazing that he feels so sure of me that he doesn’t hesitate to say things like that.

On the other hand, I’m not as sure of him.

I allow myself little bits of fantasizing what it would be like to be married to him.

I imagine he’d make a great father.

But reality creeps up in my daydream and I think of the adjustments, the compromises, the arguments, and the trials that comes with marriage.

It seems so exhausting to me, still, and it quickly kills any fantastical thinking about it.

I am in no position to be marrying anyone anytime soon.

I think I probably shouldn’t even be dating because I’m so up and down about it.

However, when I think to a year ago, when I fell in love with Mr. Nerd, none of these thoughts disturbed me.

I was sure of him and that disturbed me because he wasn’t free to be mine in the first place.

But had he been free, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

And that’s what makes things with Mr. Artist confusing for me.

I refrain, resist, question, and hesitate at every corner with him.

It’s so easy but also so ordinary.

It’s nice being with him.

But is nice enough for me?

Maybe I expect too much.

I can be quite demanding.

As Mr. Nerd once said, “You are demanding because you give so much.”

I do miss him.

Incredibly so.

Maybe I’m just waxing nostalgic because this is the month we unwittingly fell in love.

Beyond the chemistry,  I really miss being able to talk to him.

I felt like I could tell him anything.

For me, that’s something rare.

I don’t feel like that with many people.

I don’t feel like that with Mr. Artist.

Not yet, anyway.

I feel like I have to teach him how to talk to me, how I work.

I’m trying to be patient and tell myself that not all love comes in the same way.

But damn, how I miss having someone who just got me.

I guess no one can have it all in one person.

Really though, Mr. Nerd could have been my person.

Just like my ex-wife was my person for a very long time.

I don’t do well with limbo.

I’m patiently impatient.

I want to know NOW if I should continue on with Mr. Artist.

He’s given me no reason at all not to be with him.

Still, is that a good reason to stay with someone?

Or maybe I’m just trying to sabotage any sliver of happiness I might have?

Of course, it’s only been a month, Samantha.

Give it some fucking time already.

The wicked devil’s advocate in me whispers, “You didn’t need time with the others.”

How I hate my mind sometimes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

24 responses to “Waxing nostalgic

  • sonofabeach96

    Breathe! Relax, you’ll know, one way or another, in due time. The droppin’ in of the marriage talk would…be noted to me, I’ll admit. Not sure if I felt like you do, that I’d welcome that hinting around the bush stuff with marriage. I may feel some kinda odd pressure being placed, too much too soon sorta thing, ya’ know? But, you aren’t married now, right? You’re dating. Ride the wave a bit. And, as always, take my opinion with a grain of salt. 😃

    • samlobos

      Exhale. It is an odd sort of pressure when he says things like that. Makes it a little harder to just be present. This is why I write, to get my crazy thoughts out and to glean from the feedback I get from supportive people such as yourself. Thank you. 😊

      • sonofabeach96

        You’re very welcome. I just know that sorta premature talk. As seriously as I take marriage, I never did drop that in conversation. And I would’ve been uncomfortable to have it done to me. It seems a bit clingy almost, no?

      • samlobos

        A little. Mostly I understand where he’s coming from but we are just in different places. The people pleaser in me wants to be in the same place he is, but the differentiated part of me tells me it’s okay that I’m not and that it would still be okay if I never get there with him.

      • sonofabeach96

        It’ll be what it’ll be, one way or another. You’ll know…whichever answer it is.

  • survivednarc

    Oh gosh these things aren’t easy! Time will tell I suppose. But I get the impatient side of you that wants to know yesterday if this is “right”. The 3 or 4 guys I have loved like crazy have all been more or less love at first sight (well almost). So I wouldn’t know either about this love that builds a little more over time.. tried that a few times but just never worked for me.. The love didn’t build up like it “should have”.. still I think it is good that you are giving it time and exploring it. It seems to bring you quite a lot of joy and good times.
    Good luck with exploring further. 🙂 💜🌸🌷

    • samlobos

      Lol, it made me laugh reading your comment about wanting to know yesterday. That’s exactly how I feel. But I told myself I’d try something different from what I’m used to. It’s hard at times, though. Thank you for your support, dear friend. 💙

  • rachel

    i don’t think there’s anything left to say. my sweet sam has already over thought it all. so i’ll just say…i love you.

  • laurelwolfelives

    If and when it feels right…it will be right. If and when it doesn’t……

  • Tricia Sankey

    When people say timing is everything they are so right. And it can take longer to be sure with some but that’s not bad. People who fall hard fast often fall out with equal fervor. But there are no rules in love just remember that 🙂

  • Mr Man

    You’ve told us, but have you told him?

    • samlobos

      No. I think I should keep these thoughts to myself until I give it more time.

      • Mr Man

        Fair point. I only ask because experience has taught me the sooner you get the inside stuff out, the better. Broad generalization, yes, but it’s been kinder to me than not.

      • samlobos

        I agree. I’ve been pretty open and communicative with him so far, but I feel like maybe I also need to be patient and give him a chance to “learn” how I work because I can be demanding when it comes to emotional support from my significant other. I’m trying to be okay with him “not getting me” right now and I’m trying to teach him how to “get it.” Sometimes I just want to say “Fuck it” because it feels like work but that’s something I struggle with.

  • Mr Man

    Well, I’d wager you know any relationship can be work, no matter the connection.

    • samlobos

      Yes, I know that very well. It’s just when I feel like it’s “work” to get someone to understand me, that’s when I feel like it’s more work than it’s worth. I’m trying to change that thinking, though.

      • Mr Man

        I’m sorry, I’m off today. It’s been a legit clusterf**k, and it’s been knocking my d**k in the dirt today.

        I hear you on trying to determine if the work is worth it. Early into a relationship, it’s all but impossible to know what the potential is, especially with all that oxytocin flooding through your brain.

        Remember, you can put the worry down. It’ll still be there for you later. Children have an amazing capacity for that, to worry and fret, but then just stop and break away from it for a time, until they’re ready to tackle it again.

      • samlobos

        Ah dearest, I’m sorry you are having a hard day. You needn’t apologize for anything. I truly appreciate your feedback. Thank you for that insight on worry. I do love how children make sense of the world. I think we as adults should strive to be more like them. 🙂

  • Crystal Empath

    My son tells me not to worry…his philosophy is that’s future ME’S problem. He only worries about what has to be dealt with as it truly does. (He knows I’m an overthinker too) He says I’ve taught him to see and scrutinize everything, but he’s learnt it’s just not worth the stress. He’s seen me live and breathe my passionate and worrysome existence and knows that life isn’t meant to be that hard. He often reminds me to relax and enjoy what I can and that I have plenty of things I “have to” attend to…I’ve already thought of everything there possibly is to anyhow so I just need to learn how to chill and enjoy the good I do have in my life right now. It always works out somehow…just try not to ruin the good times whilst your living them. I feel this for you Sam. His words seem to apply to you…
    I feel it gives you time to work on yourself and your healing and in any case, nothing is set in stone. You have the final say in determining your world at any given moment. So try to relax and enjoy the company and the solitude life with him brings dear lady. ❤

    • samlobos

      Thank you.💙 I appreciate you sharing your son’s words of wisdom. I too, am often told I need to relax and just enjoy the moment. It’s so very hard for us overthinkers. Your support and understanding is a blessing. Thank you.💙💙

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