He says things that cause both alarm and glee inside of me
I’ve noticed he’s become more comfortable with eluding to marriage when he talks about our future together.
This phrase is hard for me to compute.
We were sitting in a movie theater and the music video to Pink’s new song for Alice through the Looking Glass was playing.
At the end of the video, Pink’s real life husband is apparently institutionalizing her because she has “gone mad.”
Jokingly, Mr. Artist leaned over and told me that probably would be him if we were to get married.
Yesterday, he kissed me on the forehead and I asked him why he does that because it makes me feel like it’s something you would do to a child.
He explained that he sees it as a gesture of a deep sense of affection, like someone you love very much, like a woman who might be your future wife.
On one hand, it’s amazing that he feels so sure of me that he doesn’t hesitate to say things like that.
On the other hand, I’m not as sure of him.
I allow myself little bits of fantasizing what it would be like to be married to him.
I imagine he’d make a great father.
But reality creeps up in my daydream and I think of the adjustments, the compromises, the arguments, and the trials that comes with marriage.
It seems so exhausting to me, still, and it quickly kills any fantastical thinking about it.
I am in no position to be marrying anyone anytime soon.
I think I probably shouldn’t even be dating because I’m so up and down about it.
However, when I think to a year ago, when I fell in love with Mr. Nerd, none of these thoughts disturbed me.
I was sure of him and that disturbed me because he wasn’t free to be mine in the first place.
But had he been free, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.
And that’s what makes things with Mr. Artist confusing for me.
I refrain, resist, question, and hesitate at every corner with him.
It’s so easy but also so ordinary.
It’s nice being with him.
But is nice enough for me?
Maybe I expect too much.
I can be quite demanding.
As Mr. Nerd once said, “You are demanding because you give so much.”
I do miss him.
Maybe I’m just waxing nostalgic because this is the month we unwittingly fell in love.
Beyond the chemistry, I really miss being able to talk to him.
I felt like I could tell him anything.
For me, that’s something rare.
I don’t feel like that with many people.
I don’t feel like that with Mr. Artist.
Not yet, anyway.
I feel like I have to teach him how to talk to me, how I work.
I’m trying to be patient and tell myself that not all love comes in the same way.
But damn, how I miss having someone who just got me.
I guess no one can have it all in one person.
Really though, Mr. Nerd could have been my person.
Just like my ex-wife was my person for a very long time.
I don’t do well with limbo.
I’m patiently impatient.
I want to know NOW if I should continue on with Mr. Artist.
He’s given me no reason at all not to be with him.
Still, is that a good reason to stay with someone?
Or maybe I’m just trying to sabotage any sliver of happiness I might have?
Of course, it’s only been a month, Samantha.
Give it some fucking time already.
The wicked devil’s advocate in me whispers, “You didn’t need time with the others.”
How I hate my mind sometimes.