Sometimes breathing is hard

This morning breathing was hard

It became easier as the day wore on

I just woke up from a 3 hour nap

The minute I opened my eyes, I wanted to go right back to sleep

“Three more days, please”

Because I would love to sleep some days away

Sleep away some of this pain

I didn’t cry today

But my body feels like I haven’t stopped

The Artist and I are talking

I called him on not communicating with me Monday night

He said he didn’t want to impose and thought I was “giving him the axe”

I quietly corrected him

He apologized

We’ve been texting since

I haven’t seen him since Sunday

I feel guilty being with him and grieving so I’d rather be alone

I feel guilty because I don’t know how to grieve death and old love while moving on

I can only do one thing at a time right now

I miss him, but he’s not necessarily comforting to me

He doesn’t feel like home

I don’t know if it’s because I don’t give him the opportunity to or if that’s just how it is

Today he told me he decided not to take up the green card marriage offer

I asked why and he said there were lots of reasons he’d tell me in person sometime

The only reason I got out of bed this evening was to eat and write

Also, I really had to pee

Today Valentine turned 3 years old

I sang happy birthday to him while giving him carrots as a treat

He loves carrots

And spinach

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my ex’s uncle’s murder

He wasn’t just her uncle

He was my uncle too

He was the man who raised her

Definitely more than just an uncle

Her and I used to talk about taking care of him when he got older

We’d move him into our house and happily nurse him

Spoil him

He was there for us when no one else was

He helped us get through Grad school

He helped us buy our home

He helped me care for my ex when she dislocated her knee

He stayed for a month, cooking, cleaning, and keeping her company while I worked full time, went to school, and did my traineeship hours

No one else came

Not even her mom

I was forever grateful to him

He would introduce me as his niece

He talked a lot

Like a lot

He told funny stories about my ex

We would laugh and laugh until our bellies hurt

I showed him the Goonies and he loved it

My ex didn’t

He was my shopping buddy

He preferred me to drive because my ex’s driving scared the shit out of him

He painted, really beautiful paintings

He was very forgiving, maybe too much

He was sweet and gentle and stubborn as a mule

I mean, STUBBORN

But we loved him

I loved him

Today it was hard to breathe

But it will get easier as time passes by

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

15 responses to “Sometimes breathing is hard

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