Is this the beginning of the end?
I feel the disappointment settle in as I wait.
He hasn’t contacted me.
It’s 2pm and nothing.
True, I haven’t texted him like I normally do, but I’m sad today.
I want him to take initiative.
I cried in front of him last night because I’m grieving.
He knows this.
He knows why.
It’s a tough week for me.
I’ve also told him that when I’m sad and disappear, I need to be checked in with.
I don’t have the energy to initiate contact.
But here I am, waiting.
It’s 4pm now.
It makes me wonder if it’s easier for him to claim he didn’t want to disturb me because then he doesn’t have to deal with my messy emotions.
I need someone who gets messy.
Who doesn’t shy away from dirt and mud and life.
I wonder how long he will wait because I know he’s waiting for me to give the “okay”.
But haven’t I been clear with him?
Haven’t we gotten past the point of being afraid to send the first text?
Past the fear of being rejected?
Why does he have to wait for me?
Why can’t he just say “Hello. How are you feeling?” or maybe just a “Thinking about you” without needing me to contact him first?
I can’t help but feel that things have shifted in the last 24 hours.
Especially in light of his consideration of engaging in a green card marriage.
When I’m feeling vulnerable, he backs off.
That’s not how I work.
I’ve explained this to him.
But here I am, still waiting.