One foot out the door

I’m very emotional lately.

Wednesday will be the 2nd year anniversary of his death.

Along with that comes the memories of her and knowing that she will be grieving for another year alone.

Because I left her.

The guilt makes me cry.

I know deep down I’m not responsible for taking care of her or making sure she is okay.

But it’s hard to shake off 13 years of feeling responsible for someone.

It’s unhealthy, sure, but that’s how I was taught to love.

When you love someone, you take care of them.

You give them everything… until you disappear.

I refuse to love like that anymore.

The thing is, though, I don’t know how else to love.

I have been happy with Mr. Artist.

Part of me feels guilty that I’ve been happy with him.

I feel a panic, like I’m doing something wrong.

I wonder who this woman is because she doesn’t feel like me.

My life has never been easy, so I feel like I’m living someone else’s life right now.

Yesterday he told me that his friend asked him if he is open to marrying some woman from China so she can get her green card for $20,000.

He’s seriously considering it.

For some reason, this really bothers me.

He asked me today how I felt about the idea.

I told him it was his choice, that we are just in the beginning stages of dating and I’m not a part of his decision.

He said that it affects me and he doesn’t want to do anything that will make things harder for us.

I admitted that it does bother me but that I feel like I can’t ask him not to do it because we just got into a relationship and I don’t know what the future holds.

He agreed but said that he is trying to build something with me, that he wants to build a path for us that will eventually lead to marriage.

This is the most forthcoming he’s been regarding “our” future.

It’s a bit overwhelming to me, in all honesty.

Especially since I’m really triggered right now about my marriage and the murder.

He asked why would it make a difference if he was married by paper, that it would just be a formality.

I told him that marriage still means something to me, how I’ve lived long enough being mentally married to someone without legal protection and I don’t want to ever do that again.

I also said that if I get to a point where I want to marry someone again and start a family, I don’t want to wait.

I won’t wait.

I’m picking apart our relationship as it is.

I’m looking for any red flag, any tiny flaw that might alert me that he’s not right for me.

The guilt, the grief, and the loss, they drive me into my fortress and I’m trying to be okay with letting him in.

I’m looking for any reason to kick him out.

This is fucked up, I know.

I questioned his “openness” to having children statement today.

I told him that I didn’t trust that he’s as “open” as he says he is.

I explained that having children is a big deal and I want to be with someone who wants children just as much as I do.

I don’t want to be in the middle of raising kids to find out my partner is resenting me for having them.

He said his usual speech about how he feels society isn’t stable enough to bring children into the world, blah, blah, blah and that’s his hesitance for not having children but he does “sort of” want kids.

Then he said that he is a nurturer and he will naturally nurture and love any extension of him and will not resent me unless I cheated on him or something like that.

He’s never been married.

He has very little experience with being in serious, long term relationships and he has even less experience with kids.

I can’t fault him for it, but I know things he doesn’t.

I know that when the shit hits the fan, when there’s sleepless nights with sick children and tight budgets, it’s going to be easy to point fingers of blame, especially if one person wasn’t as enthusiastic about having kids in the first place.

I’m a product of a resentment filled marriage.

I swore I would never raise children in that type of environment.

He’s a dreamer, he romanticizes things.

I love this about him, but I’ve also learned things that I cannot unlearn.

I’m no longer the wide eyed, naΓ―ve girl who gave her heart away freely.

I’ve decided that if he does go through with this marriage green card thing, I won’t stick around.

That’s how I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.

I will not persuade him either way, I’m determined for it to be his choice no matter what.

He knows what he has to know for now.

I’m not afraid of getting hurt and losing.

I’ve already lost so much.

My heart has already been shattered and I’ve endured more emotional pain than I ever thought I could handle.

Losing him would not destroy me.

It would hurt and it would be sad, but I would recover.

Go ahead, call me out.

I know this is my defense talking.

I’m one foot out the door.

Funny thing is, there’s a chance he might be too.

I wouldn’t blame him.

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

27 responses to “One foot out the door

  • Ocean Bream

    To me, it just seems like if he is fully invested in you, and ‘loves’ you like he says he does, he should not even be considering this green card marriage thing. It’s just not something you would consider if you were in a relationship, or wanted the relationship to progress further. Good luck with everything, I do wish you all the very very best!

  • survivednarc

    Hey Sam! πŸ™‚ Agreeing with Ocean bream actually. Must say I am VERY surprised that he would even consider such a strange proposal, for even a minute! It does make me wonder how he views marriage, morals, and your possibilities to progress in your relationship. It seems a bit naive of him to think that he will “simply divorce her” after a while. It is as though he hasn’t thought it through with all the possible consequences; what if someone founds out and reports him? What if the woman refuses to divorce him, and suddenly demands half his income or something, in a divorce settlement? She might drag him through court for years etc. I don’t know, but I think it is way too risky.

    I must say that you SHINE in this post! Such strength and clarity. I would do exactly the same; if he goes through with the fake marriage, I’d leave. You are also very, very smart to talk about the children in the future scenario!! And you are extremely on the spot there; a person has to want the child with all their heart, or there will be resentment and the child will feel it.
    Good for you for being so smart and cautious!!! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ’•πŸ’–

    • samlobos

      I agree. He is focused on the money but it made me question things. He doesn’t feel like he needs to get married to someone to spend the rest of his life with them. I told him that marriage is very important to me and I will not start a family with someone without that commitment. And I have been paying careful attention to how he responds when I talk about kids. One of his friends had a baby and while I cooed over her, he couldn’t have been less interested. It was as though she wasn’t there. I know men aren’t usually mushy around babies, but this also set off an alarm in my head. Thank you for your support. I so appreciate the validation because sometimes I feel a little crazy. πŸ’™

  • survivednarc

    PS: I DO hope with all my heart, that the two of you work it all out of course!!! I came off as negative perhaps, not my meaning. Just glad to see you take such good care of yourself. πŸ’œπŸ’•πŸ‘

  • Mr Man

    You’re a clean livin’ type, which is swell, but my traditional Catholic folk remedies wouldn’t work for you. Bear in mind, I’m not saying they actually work for anyone, but presentation counts for so much, doesn’t it?

    Well, tiger, I don’t know what to say on this, as is evidenced by this comment. Neither of you have a “bad” stance on what a long term relationship is, but this seems to conflict with his wanting a path that leads to marriage, but doesn’t see that it conflicts with getting married for money. I’m not doubting his sincerity, honestly, and I’m not looking to agitate your skittishness, truly. And it’s not to say that it can’t be made clear. That’s one of the greatest things about investing time into relationships, is going deeper with clarification through conversation and actions. Illustrating your point, kind of thing. I rather hope that made sense, but I do appreciate irony at the same time.

    Look, I haven’t had enough coffee this morning, or sleep for years. So there’s that.

  • Tricia Sankey

    I agree that marriage should be a sacred thing although it is also a legal document. I think two people should share the same morals if they are going to succeed together. Concerning children, it takes some men a while to get to that point where they want them. This is why older men often make the best dads! Sometimes it’s good to be an overthinker just keep faith and stand firm in your beliefs. πŸ˜„

    • samlobos

      Thank you Tricia. I appreciate the support. πŸ’™ I’m pretty firm in how I feel about these two topics. The more affirmation I get, the less alone I feel.

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    You know I was often money for the same purpose. I always turned it down, because I think marriage is something not be be toyed with. But don’t listen to me, I am an old fahsion guy.

  • Mouse

    (Sorry, this comment is going to be very opinionated. I just saw red for you, when I read this post!)

    “He agreed but said that he is trying to build something with me, that he wants to build a path for us that will eventually lead to marriage.” –> Oh, REEEEEA-ly…!

    I agree with what the other posters here have said. If he wants to build a path toward marriage, then what is all this bullcrap about getting married for money/green-card-help? The fact that he’s dropping all of this “I’m considering this” stuff should be giant red flags. First off, this man, sweet as he may be, sadly does not have the same concepts about marriage as you do. Secondly, the whole thing smells like some sort of manipulative, passive-aggressive game. (“I’m thinking about marrying someone else, unless you can tell me now that this is what you want.” Ugh! Nothing like putting a little pressure-cooker on, is there?) The fact that you’ve been brutally honest with him about where you’re at is completely brave-and-real on your part. He’s not giving you that same reciprocation, though.

    Call his bluff. Tell him, “Okay,” and cut him loose to go get married — or whatever he winds up doing. (I know — easy for me to say, sitting here from a passive, reader’s chair!) Maybe then he’ll get HIS head screwed on straight and figure out if “fake marriage” is okay with him… or if he wants to hold out for true love — without manipulative strings attached.

    (Sorry — I know that was all very opinionated. Getting off my “soapbox” now. πŸ˜‰ Hugs, Sam!)

    • samlobos

      Thank you. πŸ’™ it means so much to me that you feel as strongly as you do. As I think more about it, the more hurt I feel that he would even consider it, ESPECIALLY after telling me all the things he has. Your response reassures me that I’m on the right track.

  • Just a Gurrl

    OK, now I’m all caught up! As a sometime cynic, there are sooo many dangers to his naive concept of this green card marriage. What if when he decides to divorce her, she wants alimony? Is he going to tell a judge that it wasn’t a real marriage! Uh-huh… I think the easy money aspect is probably what makes it appealing, combined with helping a friend, but it’s a dumb idea.

    • samlobos

      I agree that it’s not a good idea but he’s a grown man. I’ve already told him my concerns about it and how I feel. I really hope he stops focusing on the money long enough to realize the seriousness of what he’s considering.

  • laurelwolfelives

    Oh, shit Sam. I would have had both feet out the door as soon as he mentioned the fake marriage…..but I’m not you and everybody knows “my standards are too high” (a nice way of saying my beliefs suck.)
    I’ll hate it if things don’t work out but whatever you decide, I’m right there with you.
    Remember….you are heavily grieving at this point as well…..

  • uncover219

    I think you are seeing his true colours now and its a good thing. Nobody who is in a relationship would even consider doing that. Some people are very strange to me. I think you deserve better and you know it xxx

    • samlobos

      Thank you. He did decide on his own not to go through with it. It did give me some things to beware of and I am cautious. But he is a wonderful guy who unfortunately wasn’t thinking straight. I appreciate your support πŸ’™

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