I’m very emotional lately.
Wednesday will be the 2nd year anniversary of his death.
Along with that comes the memories of her and knowing that she will be grieving for another year alone.
Because I left her.
The guilt makes me cry.
I know deep down I’m not responsible for taking care of her or making sure she is okay.
But it’s hard to shake off 13 years of feeling responsible for someone.
It’s unhealthy, sure, but that’s how I was taught to love.
When you love someone, you take care of them.
You give them everything… until you disappear.
I refuse to love like that anymore.
The thing is, though, I don’t know how else to love.
I have been happy with Mr. Artist.
Part of me feels guilty that I’ve been happy with him.
I feel a panic, like I’m doing something wrong.
I wonder who this woman is because she doesn’t feel like me.
My life has never been easy, so I feel like I’m living someone else’s life right now.
Yesterday he told me that his friend asked him if he is open to marrying some woman from China so she can get her green card for $20,000.
He’s seriously considering it.
For some reason, this really bothers me.
He asked me today how I felt about the idea.
I told him it was his choice, that we are just in the beginning stages of dating and I’m not a part of his decision.
He said that it affects me and he doesn’t want to do anything that will make things harder for us.
I admitted that it does bother me but that I feel like I can’t ask him not to do it because we just got into a relationship and I don’t know what the future holds.
He agreed but said that he is trying to build something with me, that he wants to build a path for us that will eventually lead to marriage.
This is the most forthcoming he’s been regarding “our” future.
It’s a bit overwhelming to me, in all honesty.
Especially since I’m really triggered right now about my marriage and the murder.
He asked why would it make a difference if he was married by paper, that it would just be a formality.
I told him that marriage still means something to me, how I’ve lived long enough being mentally married to someone without legal protection and I don’t want to ever do that again.
I also said that if I get to a point where I want to marry someone again and start a family, I don’t want to wait.
I won’t wait.
I’m picking apart our relationship as it is.
I’m looking for any red flag, any tiny flaw that might alert me that he’s not right for me.
The guilt, the grief, and the loss, they drive me into my fortress and I’m trying to be okay with letting him in.
I’m looking for any reason to kick him out.
This is fucked up, I know.
I questioned his “openness” to having children statement today.
I told him that I didn’t trust that he’s as “open” as he says he is.
I explained that having children is a big deal and I want to be with someone who wants children just as much as I do.
I don’t want to be in the middle of raising kids to find out my partner is resenting me for having them.
He said his usual speech about how he feels society isn’t stable enough to bring children into the world, blah, blah, blah and that’s his hesitance for not having children but he does “sort of” want kids.
Then he said that he is a nurturer and he will naturally nurture and love any extension of him and will not resent me unless I cheated on him or something like that.
He’s never been married.
He has very little experience with being in serious, long term relationships and he has even less experience with kids.
I can’t fault him for it, but I know things he doesn’t.
I know that when the shit hits the fan, when there’s sleepless nights with sick children and tight budgets, it’s going to be easy to point fingers of blame, especially if one person wasn’t as enthusiastic about having kids in the first place.
I’m a product of a resentment filled marriage.
I swore I would never raise children in that type of environment.
He’s a dreamer, he romanticizes things.
I love this about him, but I’ve also learned things that I cannot unlearn.
I’m no longer the wide eyed, naïve girl who gave her heart away freely.
I’ve decided that if he does go through with this marriage green card thing, I won’t stick around.
That’s how I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
I will not persuade him either way, I’m determined for it to be his choice no matter what.
He knows what he has to know for now.
I’m not afraid of getting hurt and losing.
I’ve already lost so much.
My heart has already been shattered and I’ve endured more emotional pain than I ever thought I could handle.
Losing him would not destroy me.
It would hurt and it would be sad, but I would recover.
Go ahead, call me out.
I know this is my defense talking.
I’m one foot out the door.
Funny thing is, there’s a chance he might be too.
I wouldn’t blame him.