I’ve been wanting to write, but I’ve been “busy”.
Mr. Artist’s “guard” lasted maybe half a day.
I could take some credit for that since when I love someone, I can be very reassuring just in the way I treat them.
I’m tender, affectionate, caring, attentive, and really naughty.
But (without sounding too arrogant) it’s been pretty clear he was smitten from the beginning so I think that’s the main reason why his walls aren’t very strong with me.
If I’m going to be honest, my walls have been pretty crappy with him as well. How else can I explain the push and pull I’ve been doing with him for the past two months?
I can’t believe it’s only been two months since I met him.
It feels like longer and maybe it’s because so much has happened in that short amount of time.
In retrospect, I think it’s understandable why I was a bit freaked out by him.
I mean, he’s all but proposed to me.
Seriously, anything I’ve “suspected” before has only been confirmed recently by him.
He told me he’s never offered the possibility of having children to anyone (because he’s been anti-children all his life) except for me, which he offered 8 days after we met.
He’s told me how he wants to be with someone for the rest of his life, married or not, and hoped it would be me.
How he wants me to be the woman who makes his heart “feel at home”.
That’s a lot to swallow in two months, especially for someone still recovering from the loss of not one, but two loves.
I have to give him props for sticking around, though.
I mean, I’ve pushed him away/broken up with him 4 times, told him I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, AND gave him an STD, all within that timeframe. Oh, and let’s not forget how I cried after sex on Sunday night. Yeah, that wasn’t my best moment.
He told me yesterday (out of the blue) that he suspended his OkCupid account and was going to delete his profile in other sites he is on.
He said he wasn’t going to delete OkCupid permanently just yet because he wants to make sure things with me keep going well. I told him that was fine. That I understood.
He had mentioned to me on Tuesday that I could ask him to stop dating other women. I told him he could make that choice on his own.
Maybe you think that was a passive aggressive way for me to get him to do it anyway. It wasn’t.
I believe in allowing and trusting the other person to make their own choice so that there is no room for resentment later on in the relationship. That’s something I learned by being married.
Part of me trusted that Mr. Artist would choose me regardless of what I said and the other half of me is simply not a jealous person.
He said he wants to focus all his attention and energy on making things work between us. I think it’s funny how he tells me things I already know before he even says them.
It’s only been a couple of days since I let go of the internal conflict I was carrying around.
I hadn’t realized just how much or how tightly I was still holding on the the loves I had lost to the point where I could not/would not, allow myself to move on to the love that was staring me in the face.
It seems that something beyond my control kept pushing us together. Fighting it was exhausting. I mean, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE (including my dad, who hates the thought of his daughter’s dating anyone) kept told me that I should give him a chance, that he’s a great guy, and/or we are good together.
If you are a fan of Downton Abbey, it is very much like the situation between Mary and Henry in season six. Everyone kept saying they were perfect for each other but she kept pushing him away, even though he was head over heels for her and it was obvious to everyone but her that she loved him too (except she kept denying it and making up different excuses as to why they shouldn’t be together. Sound familiar?)
I don’t know where things will end up with Mr. Artist. I know where he wants it to end, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m not speculating that anymore. It’s a fact.
I’m trying not to focus on that fact right now, however. It’s too much and too big for me to wrap my head around just yet. I’m barely getting used to the idea of being in a relationship again and fighting off occasional pangs of panic when I think about it for too long.
I know I will still have moments of feeling sad and missing the ghosts of my past. But I feel like there will be much more balance to my grieving and living now.
Today I’m enjoying staying present and appreciating this unexpected love that made his way into my life despite my best efforts to block him.
Today I’m grateful.
Today is a good day.