I fell in love

Awareness is such a powerful tool

Talking to friends is also incredibly healing

Something changed today

This weekend I spend lots of time with Mr. Artist and we ended up having sex

When kissing him for the first time after days of flirting, my thoughts rushed forward and sentences like “I’ve missed you, I love you, I love being with you” did dances in my brain, overwhelming me

I dared not say anything out loud to him besides “I missed you”, for fear that they were just momentary sentiments

I was conflicted over our intimacy, because I wanted it, but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to

After being intimate with him Sunday night, I turned and told him I felt guilty

He asked if it felt like I had betrayed myself

I nodded

I grew teary eyed and he mentioned something about my ex being my first love and realizing why it was hard for me to move on

I started crying

Because reminders of my married life have been relentless lately

I left him telling him I might disappear for a bit

I saw his heart break for a split second

It tore me up

I did not want to go to work this morning

Especially since I had to meet with Olivia first thing for supervision, which turns out to be an awful lot like therapy

I wished to God I could take the day off to do my usual routine of solitary processing

But then I started talking

Talking about how broken I still feel

About how I don’t know what I’m doing or thinking anymore

I cried

She hugged me (which is a huge deal because she’s not a hugger)

I realized that maybe what I’m looking for isn’t what I need

Maybe what I’ve been looking for, which is what I’ve been used to, isn’t healthy

Maybe I’m uncomfortable with Mr. Artist because it’s different

I arrived at work not wanting to talk to anyone about anything

I talked to my co-worker (and partner in crime), John, about my weekend

I cried again

I realized that I’ve been carrying the belief that my issues are too much for anyone to handle

That I’m too toxic to bring anyone into my world

And maybe that’s why I’ve been back and forth with Mr. Artist

I’ve been pushing him away to protect him from me

Maybe this is something I’ve done all my life

I texted my friend Anthony

I told him I was feeling sad

He asked me what was getting me down

I asked him if he had trouble being in a relationship while feeling sad about his divorce

He said he absolutely did and shared how he’s only started to make huge progress now, 2 1/2 years later

I knew he would understand

He made me feel normal and less crazy

I realized I’ve been comparing what I had in my marriage to my interactions with Mr. Artist

How it felt wrong to move forward with someone that’s not my ex

And I’ve been waiting for Mr. 100% (the guy that meets 100% of my dreams)

But maybe all love doesn’t feel the same

Because I’m not the same person I was a year and a half ago

Or even 11 months ago.

Maybe different is good

Maybe different is healthy

So I thought about Mr. Artist and how I feel when I’m with him

How there’s no obsessive impulses to be with him

No crazy making desires to proclaim my love on billboards

No flittering butterflies that make me feel high

I didn’t think about what isn’t there but what is there

I thought about the flood of involuntary silent declarations of love that push themselves forward when I kiss him

The way he listens to what I like and does it

How thoughtful and sweet he is, which melts me despite myself

The look in his eyes when he studies my face

The adorable things he does that I’ve tried so hard not to find adorable

The thought that I love him and want to be with him jumped out at me

At first, I pushed it away, as I’ve done before

Then I slowly pulled the idea back

Mulled over it

Chewed

Considering what it would look like

What it would feel like

I considered it meant I would have to be willing to commit to him on some level

I pushed that away and slowly digested it in small chunks

The idea started scaring me less

I wrote him how I will have ups and downs, push him away, need my space, etc

He wrote back that he won’t try to be more than friends with me again

I wondered if he’d closed the door on me, on the possibility of us and I couldn’t blame him

So I wrote

I wrote of beginning to heal, of letting go of what was

Writing that helped me start to accept what is

While writing, he texted me, asking how I was doing

I told him I was feeling a bit better

I told him that I had just been thinking about him

He asked what I was thinking about

I told him, “That I love you”

We talked about what that means and what we are going to do next

I shared how I still struggle with the idea of being in a relationship but I want to be with him as if in one

I told him I don’t want to keep him in the dark anymore

That I don’t want to run away either

Understandably he is guarded

But he is willing to try

Again

But this time, I’m willing

This time, I love him and I mean it

This time, it feels right

 

 

*(If you’ve been following the Mr. Artist saga, it’s okay to be completely frustrated and baffled with me. I frustrate and confuse myself. But I swear, it’s different this time.)

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

26 responses to “I fell in love

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