Grief and Timing

It surprises me how much grief I still feel

How much it still hurts

It’s been a year and a half since my divorce

It feels like a death because in my world, she is gone for good

Except that she still exists

Without me

And the memories are still fresh

Imprinted into my soul, like little videos on repeat

I often wonder how she is doing

If she is okay

I worry if she is lonely or sad

I pray for her happiness and protection

I silently send her my love

I wonder if I will find love again

Yes, I did fall in love after her, but it wasn’t meant to be

I still grieve for that loss as well

He is still very present in my heart

But I wonder when I’ll heal

If I’ll find something like what I had again

Something is happening inside me

Stirrings that I try to ignore and squash but haven’t been able to

I’m grieving and sad, but I’m getting attached to Mr. Artist

I feel like he’s soothing to me

Like I can just be

Since telling him I just want to be friends, I’ve found myself feeling at ease and wanting to be around him more

I’m amazed he’s still around, especially after the roller-coaster I’ve put him through

In fact, he kind of scares me

He scares me because it seems like he’s immune to my poison

I push him away but he doesn’t go anywhere

I’m messy and dark, but he loves me anyway

In fact, he loves that and everything else about me

It makes me wonder if our timing is just off

I’m in no place emotionally to be in a relationship or even date, for that matter

I have no room except for taking care of me and grieving

Sitting in the pain, waiting for it to pass

Still, I hear a little whisper in the back of my mind that I actively ignore

It suggests something that I’m not willing to accept yet

Because I’m not ready

I cannot ignore everything, though,  like the twinge of jealousy I feel when he mentions other women

Even if it’s a brief inclusion about a women he’s dated in the past, I slightly bristle

I’m not a jealous person at all

I have no idea why I’m suddenly getting so possessive, especially since I don’t want to be with him in that way

There could be lots of different explanations for this

Explanations I don’t have energy to think about

For now, I can admit that I am deeply grateful for him and his friendship

I enjoy his company

He makes me feel better

He inspires me

I trust him

That’s as far as I can go

Anything else that’s brewing will have to wait

If it’s meant to be, then time will work itself out

I have to believe in that

I have no other choice

Because I don’t know when I’ll be ready

Or if I ever will be

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

23 responses to “Grief and Timing

  • survivednarc

    Quick comment before heading out: You have been as clear as you can be towards him, so your conscience should be alright. 🙂 I am sorry that you are still in pain and grief – I know those feelings all too well. Hang in there and have faith that all of that will diminish and fade, with time. It’s tough, but you will make it through that and be happy in love again. I believe that strongly. Sending a hundred hugs! ❤

  • laurelwolfelives

    There are two kinds of death….physical death and divorce. With physical death, the person is gone. With divorce, the person is still there. I’m so sad for you Sam.
    Enjoy and appreciate Mr. Artists’ company and affection. You’ve been honest with him and he’s still around…that should offer some element of comfort and also show you just how valuable you are. Most men would have already disappeared. You are worth it to him.
    “If it’s meant to be…it will work itself out.” That is true 🙂

  • learning to live like water

    Your relationship with Mr. Artist is so much like mine with my friend A. He loved, loves me unconditionally….but I could never drum up the same passion for him. Yet I enjoyed being with him. I too was grieving someone else. A went on to find someone who loves him, but he still tells me he loves me. All the times I broke his heart, and he still loves me, just like Mr. Artist does you. It’s nice to have someone in your life like that when you’re grieving, who doesn’t mind, who is there for you. And you’ve been honest with him. He knows the truth, and he’s still there, so I’m just happy you have him. A’s problem was always that sooner or later he’d want more, and get 100 steps ahead of me. It doesn’t sound like your guy does that. So just be happy he’s still there.
    🙂

    • samlobos

      Thank you. 💙 Maybe these men are sent to us for a reason, even if it’s meant to be temporary. I’m grateful for him, however long he does end up staying in my life. 😊

      • learning to live like water

        A showed up the day after Scott did the “prison whore”. He was like salve on an open wound. So loving, kind, gentle. But I was so grieving. Just couldn’t get there for him. Too bad. I tried for months to love him that way, but it wasn’t meant to be. We’re still friends but I don’t hear from him much. Guess I can’t expect to, he’s living with his new woman. Oh well. There’s someone out there for us just wish he’d show up lol.

      • samlobos

        Yes, there is someone out there for us. Timing is everything so when it’s right, you’ll meet your match. I have hope for you 😊

  • Mr Man

    Remember that there’s many kinds of companionship. I’ve got a friendship like that, where it’s full of love and compassion, but there isn’t anything romantic in the mix. It’s one of the best friendships/relationships I have. It sounds like this may fit that kind of role for you. Take comfort in it. Find solace in connecting with another person, without any aspect of romance. That’s the best kind of connection, I think, for times when you’re hurting. I don’t think there’s any question that there’s mutual affection between you and Mr A, just an honest and sincere feeling, not necessarily the kissy face kind, you know? And that’s not just OK, it’s a powerfully healing thing. Maybe he came into your life to remind you that there are truly understanding, accepting people in the here and now.

    Lady, take a break from thinking twelve steps ahead, if you can, and breathe deeply.

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