My sister is buying a house.
She was asking me about windows today.
Because I’ve done that before, bought windows for a new house.
And that reminded me, I don’t have a house anymore.
There was a time when all my free time was occupied with ideas about home renovations, landscaping, prices for home improvements.
I used to daydream about what I wanted our house to look like when it was all done.
Of course, it’s not “ours” anymore.
My other sister got married in February.
I’ve already done that too.
Except when I did it, we were alone.
One friend to witness it.
There was no big wedding celebration.
No toasts of congratulations.
Still, we celebrated together.
Because we were enough.
This reminded me that I no longer have a spouse.
There is no more “we”.
I cried on the sofa today.
I curled into a ball and mourned.
Because I feel terribly homesick.
She was the only home I’d ever known.
More than any childhood building or feeling my family could ever create.
It destroyed me to leave her.
But it was killing me to stay.
What a terrible loss, the feeling of home.
I made the right choice, but it was a loss.
An earth shattering, heart breaking loss.