I did it.
Once and for all, I finally let him go.
And he let me.
I feel like a horrible human being because Mr. Artist is almost too good to be true, yet I haven’t missed him this week at all and when I finally saw him today, I realized I felt nothing anymore.
I am still struggling with my depression, I get that this is something to consider about my response to him.
But my depression does this thing where it doesn’t allow me to fake anything, not even a little bit.
In my “normal” state, I’m able to “fake it” a tiny bit.
But when I’m depressed, I can’t ignore pesky thoughts or feelings that nag at me.
They slap me right in the face.
This week I saw him briefly on Thursday because I think he just wanted to see me after not seeing me the other days because I needed my rest and space.
He was waiting at my steps when I got home from work with some food for me, kissed me, then left.
He has been very understanding.
Today he met my parents.
They loved him, as I knew they would.
They think I’m ridiculous and difficult because they can’t see why I wouldn’t be jumping for joy at this wonderful man I’ve found.
But when I saw him, I felt uncomfortable.
When he kissed me after my parents left, I felt nothing.
No butterflies, no magnetic pull, no fuzzy swirls in my head.
After he left because he was going to let me take a nap, then come back when I was awake, I felt relieved.
Then when I woke up from my nap, I realized I didn’t want him to come over.
I wanted to be alone.
He texted me asking if I still wanted his company.
I told him I needed alone time.
I started to feel guilty, like I’m stringing him along and that made me feel horrible and anxious.
I told him that.
He asked why that was.
I explained that it was because I want so much space.
He said that he knows I’ve been going through a lot.
I told him how I didn’t think that was the only reason I wanted my space away from him.
He said well, take your space, then. I won’t impose.
I told him I was sorry and that it seemed like he knew where this was heading.
He said there was no need for me to apologize.
I told him I thought we were better off being just friends. With no benefits.
He responded, “K.”
That made me feel like absolute shit because I knew he’s been bracing himself for this and he was trying not to let it affect him.
I told him I still had one of his movies and he said he would get it from me sometime.
Then he said have a good night.
I said you too.
That was it.
I didn’t know whether to cry, throw up, or breathe a sigh of relief because I felt like doing all three at once.
Part of me is trying not to panic and say that I’m going to regret this someday.
The other part feels lighter and knows that in a couple of days, I’ll know that I did what was right.
Then there’s a tiny voice in my head that says, “If you aren’t satisfied with a wonderful man like him, then what are the odds you will find someone just as wonderful who you fall head over heels in love with and feels the same about you. It’s near impossible. You are going to end up old and alone.”
I’m trying not to listen to that voice because it’s a legitimate fear of mine.
But I can’t settle for less than head over heels, even if it’s for an amazing guy who treats me like a queen.
Even if I end up alone.
Everyone will think I’m crazy, especially my parents.
Most women would probably kill to have a guy treat them like he’s treated me and be completely satisfied staying with him, even if they weren’t head over heels.
But I’m not like everyone else.
I never have been and I never will be.
I’m looking for that deep connection that is irresistible, undeniable, and unexplainable.
And I’ve experienced it twice before, so I know that it exists.
Once you’ve felt something like that, there’s no going back to ordinary.
It’s like comparing a horse to a unicorn.
So I’d rather risk being alone than stay with someone just because everyone else says he’s a rare find and I should be grateful to have him.
The best way I can explain it is in terms of decorating.
Imagine there’s this antique and absolutely beautiful piece of furniture that everyone admires and thinks is amazing.
You think it’s amazing too, but you would never buy it because it’s just not your style of decorating.
Even if someone were to offer to buy it for you, you would say no because it’s not something you necessarily want, regardless of how rare and beautiful it is. It just doesn’t reflect you or your living space.
That’s how I feel about him.
He is absolutely a treasure, just not mine.
It was time I let him go for someone else to find.
Do you realize how difficult that was to do?
I could kick myself for doing the right thing.
Maybe I’m damaged for good.