Unicorns and letting go of treasure

I did it.

Once and for all, I finally let him go.

And he let me.

I feel like a horrible human being because Mr. Artist is almost too good to be true, yet I haven’t missed him this week at all and when I finally saw him today, I realized I felt nothing anymore.

I am still struggling with my depression, I get that this is something to consider about my response to him.

But my depression does this thing where it doesn’t allow me to fake anything, not even a little bit.

In my “normal” state, I’m able to “fake it” a tiny bit.

But when I’m depressed, I can’t ignore pesky thoughts or feelings that nag at me.

They slap me right in the face.

This week I saw him briefly on Thursday because I think he just wanted to see me after not seeing me the other days because I needed my rest and space.

He was waiting at my steps when I got home from work with some food for me, kissed me, then left.

He has been very understanding.

Today he met my parents.

They loved him, as I knew they would.

They think I’m ridiculous and difficult because they can’t see why I wouldn’t be jumping for joy at this wonderful man I’ve found.

But when I saw him, I felt uncomfortable.

Suffocated.

Chained.

When he kissed me after my parents left, I felt nothing.

No butterflies, no magnetic pull, no fuzzy swirls in my head.

Nothing.

After he left because he was going to let me take a nap, then come back when I was awake, I felt relieved.

Then when I woke up from my nap, I realized I didn’t want him to come over.

I wanted to be alone.

He texted me asking if I still wanted his company.

I told him I needed alone time.

He understood.

I started to feel guilty, like I’m stringing him along and that made me feel horrible and anxious.

I told him that.

He asked why that was.

I explained that it was because I want so much space.

He said that he knows I’ve been going through a lot.

I told him how I didn’t think that was the only reason I wanted my space away from him.

He said well, take your space, then. I won’t impose.

I told him I was sorry and that it seemed like he knew where this was heading.

He said there was no need for me to apologize.

I told him I thought we were better off being just friends. With no benefits.

He responded, “K.”

That made me feel like absolute shit because I knew he’s been bracing himself for this and he was trying not to let it affect him.

I told him I still had one of his movies and he said he would get it from me sometime.

Then he said have a good night.

I said you too.

That was it.

Very anti-climatic.

I didn’t know whether to cry, throw up, or breathe a sigh of relief because I felt like doing all three at once.

Part of me is trying not to panic and say that I’m going to regret this someday.

The other part feels lighter and knows that in a couple of days, I’ll know that I did what was right.

Then there’s a tiny voice in my head that says, “If you aren’t satisfied with a wonderful man like him, then what are the odds you will find someone just as wonderful who you fall head over heels in love with and feels the same about you. It’s near impossible. You are going to end up old and alone.”

I’m trying not to listen to that voice because it’s a legitimate fear of mine.

But I can’t settle for less than head over heels, even if it’s for an amazing guy who treats me like a queen.

Even if I end up alone.

Everyone will think I’m crazy, especially my parents.

Most women would probably kill to have a guy treat them like he’s treated me and be completely satisfied staying with him, even if they weren’t head over heels.

But I’m not like everyone else.

I never have been and I never will be.

I’m looking for that deep connection that is irresistible, undeniable, and unexplainable.

And I’ve experienced it twice before, so I know that it exists.

Once you’ve felt something like that, there’s no going back to ordinary.

It’s like comparing a horse to a unicorn.

So I’d rather risk being alone than stay with someone just because everyone else says he’s a rare find and I should be grateful to have him.

The best way I can explain it is in terms of decorating.

Imagine there’s this antique and absolutely beautiful piece of furniture that everyone admires and thinks is amazing.

You think it’s amazing too, but you would never buy it because it’s just not your style of decorating.

Even if someone were to offer to buy it for you, you would say no because it’s not something you necessarily want, regardless of how rare and beautiful it is. It just doesn’t reflect you or your living space.

That’s how I feel about him.

He is absolutely a treasure, just not mine.

It was time I let him go for someone else to find.

Do you realize how difficult that was to do?

I could kick myself for doing the right thing.

Maybe I’m damaged for good.

Damn unicorns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

27 responses to “Unicorns and letting go of treasure

  • sonofabeach96

    It should be “head over heels” or it is just settling. I think you made the right call. Otherwise, he would’ve ended up hurt, when you let him go after 5, 10, 15 years? Who knows, but you would’ve likely let him go at some point.

  • survivednarc

    Wise choice, I believe. I completely agree, when you have felt something extraordinary with someone, then you can not “settle”, after that. It becomes nearly impossible. I am exactly like that, too…. And I also fear that it will make it so that I am alone and old and so on. But, I would rather be alone than with someone who is not really right for me. As it wouldn’t be fair to that person either. They deserve to be loved wholeheartedly..
    I understand you completely and do not think that you are weird at all – you are not. You are staying true to yourself. Hugs!!

    • samlobos

      I’m so glad you understand! It makes me feel less alone. My family doesn’t understand me. Some of my friends don’t either. It’s nice that I’m not the only one who feels this way. Well, if we do end up old and alone, I say we start a colony of women just like us so that at least we are old with lots of fantastic friends around! 😉 💙

  • learning to live like water

    Good for you. I have had that experience, where a man loved me so much, but I could not drum up the same passion for him. He told me I kept breaking his heart. I known how you feel.

    But you have to be true to yourself, and you were. We deserve the whole thing, don’t ever settle. Knowing how amazing it can be, why would you?

    Congrats for being true to yourself.

    • samlobos

      Thank you. Hearing your experience comforts me, in a way. I feel less cruel and odd because I’m my world, (especially my family culture) men like him do not exist and if you find one that treats you well, you are crazy to let him go. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it. 💙💙

      • learning to live like water

        Things work out for the best. He and I are still friends, but he’s got a new love who feels the same way he does. It was when he wanted to come stay here for 2 1/2 weeks that I knew I didn’t want him here. I know it hurt him but I also knew it would hurt more to find out it was a lie. He’s happy now. I’m happy. Lol. But my unhappiness wasnt caused by him. Waiting for real connection to happen.

      • samlobos

        I hear you. I’m glad it worked out for both of you. I hope for the same. 🌻

  • laurelwolfelives

    I read these backward. I should have known something was “amiss.” It’s true…don’t settle for second best or comfortable. If it’s not there….it’s not there and not likely to ever be there….and who wants a life of waiting to see if it’s ever “going to be there?” (I know how that feels.)
    You did the right thing by just telling him before you got in any deeper. Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s honor in truth-telling. There’s none in deception or pretension.

  • rachel

    you’re not crazy or too damaged. and you most definitely don’t need to make excuses. you listened to your gut and did the right thing. sometimes the right thing makes us feel like shit at first, but always better in the end. i’m so proud of you. wish i could snuggle up with you today and spoon feed you chocolate and icecream until you’re feeling better. love you, sam. xx

    • samlobos

      Awww… You always know what to say to make me feel better. 😊 thank you, love. I think I did the right thing too, even if it takes me awhile to actually feel okay about it. I’m snuggling with you in my mind😘💙

  • Mr Man

    Unfortunately, knowing yourself and what you deserve can often make things hard. Emotionally taxing, physically draining, just very stressful all the way around. In my experience, it can feel very isolating, and that’s hard for anyone, let alone the highly empathic. But feeling isolated is not the same as being isolated. Remember that, Lady Lobos. You are not alone, no matter how you may feel.

  • Mouse

    I reached a point, 19 years into my 22 year marriage, when I realized my husband didn’t love me — not the way a husband should love a wife, the way a man should love a woman. It occurred to me that he’d been only “tolerating” me for a very long time, and once I’d thought it, it “clicked” into place, and I knew I was right. (Some months later I found out just how right.) It was the absolute worst feeling. You’ve done the right thing, here, Sam. I wish my ex-husband had cut me loose sooooooo much sooner! But he didn’t. He perpetuated something false (for the kids? in order to not hurt my feelings? to “do the right thing?” because his family liked me and he liked my family? who knows…) and I lost years of my life with the wrong person! Realizing that you’re being tolerated is one of the most humiliating feelings. On behalf of people like me and your artist, thank you – for having the wisdom to see reality and the courage to follow through with the right thing.

    • samlobos

      Thank you, sweetheart. I’m sorry you had to be on the receiving end of such lukewarm feelings. I loved my ex enough to leave once I realized I couldn’t love like I used to. And I care about the artist enough to let him go so that he is free to find someone who can love him as he deserves to be. I appreciate hearing from you since I don’t often get to hear from the other side. Hugs💙💙💙

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