Simple as that.
I felt the grief start slowly rolling in weeks ago.
It was only a matter of time.
I’m sad about lots of things.
I have been dreaming about my ex.
In my dreams we are still together but then it drifts off to an unsettled ending.
The other day I dreamt we were in my childhood house.
It was supposed to be our house, which we just bought.
In the dream we had a pool and the boxer and Valentine jumped right in.
I was delighted and yelled to my ex who was inside in the kitchen, “Come look, Harlow (the boxer) loves the water!”
She came outside and we watched as the dogs enjoyed it.
We were both smiling.
Then the kitten we had rescued (in real life we didn’t have a kitten) suddenly fell in the pool and sank to the bottom.
I was horrified as I saw it flailing it’s little paws about while laying helplessly on it’s back against the pool floor.
Painfully aware that I can’t swim (not even in real life) I urged my ex to dive down and save the little guy.
Looked reluctant, as if it would ruin her hair or something.
Panicked, I watched the kitten continue to flail and yelled at her, “If you don’t save him, I’ll never trust you again!”
Slowly she dove into the pool.
She was having a hard time finding the kitten.
I kept screaming and pointing him out to her from where I stood.
That’s how it ended.
I forget if I woke up or if it turned into a different dream.
Last night I was talking to Mr. Artist right before going to sleep.
It was late and we said goodbye.
At that moment, I remembered how Mr. Nerd and I would always end our conversations by telling each other “I love you.”
In fact, with both him and my ex-wife, “I love you” was said multiple times a day.
I couldn’t say it enough.
It struck me that I had no desire to tell Mr. Artist I loved him.
So I cried.
Because I desperately miss that feeling.
The uncontrollable impulse to declare your love to another and have that person have the same uncontrollable urge.
And that reminded me of the deep connection I am missing.
As a person who has never felt completely understood by anyone, I’ve been used to being regarded as complicated.
I’m okay as long as I’m accepted for who I am.
But finding someone who gets me, like really gets me to where they just know… that’s gold.
And I struck gold twice.
Then lost it.
Outside of my control.
It’s spring here.
The flowers are blooming.
The rose trees I see in various front yards remind me of the rose trees I had in the house me and my ex bought together.
I imagine they must look gorgeous right now.
I hand picked them myself.
It makes me miss the feeling of home.
Not home as in a building, but home as in the feeling.
May is coming and it reminds me of death.
Of a circle of blood, a plastic chair, and the recounting of how he was killed.
It reminds me of how much I loved and appreciated him.
What a talented artist he was and the memories I will always have.
It makes me think about how my ex is thinking about the same things.
And how we both have to grieve for him apart for another year.
I’ve been missing a lot of work in trying to take care of myself.
Today my supervisor said the principal was inquiring on why I have missed so many days.
This makes me stressed and panicked.
It makes me fear for my job.
It makes me feel like I’m a bad employee, even though I know it’s not true.
It also makes me feel weak, like I should be sucking it up and just deal with it already.
It makes me angry that I have depression and that it affects my everyday functioning.
I feel frustrated that I am grieving because it doesn’t allow me to be stable.
I was stable for so long and then huge things happened and now I don’t even know what long periods of stable looks like anymore.
I’ve been crying all day.
I woke up feeling on the verge of tears.
I burst into tears twice during work then I came home and cried some more.
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of the cycles of sadness.
I don’t want this.
But I feel it and so I must go through it.
I have to remind myself that this is not me.
This is just a period of time.
And it’s okay.