Sad

I’m sad.

Simple as that.

I felt the grief start slowly rolling in weeks ago.

It was only a matter of time.

I’m sad about lots of things.

I have been dreaming about my ex.

In my dreams we are still together but then it drifts off to an unsettled ending.

The other day I dreamt we were in my childhood house.

It was supposed to be our house, which we just bought.

In the dream we had a pool and the boxer and Valentine jumped right in.

I was delighted and yelled to my ex who was inside in the kitchen, “Come look, Harlow (the boxer) loves the water!”

She came outside and we watched as the dogs enjoyed it.

We were both smiling.

Then the kitten we had rescued (in real life we didn’t have a kitten) suddenly fell in the pool and sank to the bottom.

I was horrified as I saw it flailing it’s little paws about while laying helplessly on it’s back against the pool floor.

Painfully aware that I can’t swim (not even in real life) I urged my ex to dive down and save the little guy.

She hesitated.

Looked reluctant, as if it would ruin her hair or something.

Panicked, I watched the kitten continue to flail and yelled at her, “If you don’t save him, I’ll never trust you again!”

Slowly she dove into the pool.

She was having a hard time finding the kitten.

I kept screaming and pointing him out to her from where I stood.

That’s how it ended.

I forget if I woke up or if it turned into a different dream.

Last night I was talking to Mr. Artist right before going to sleep.

It was late and we said goodbye.

At that moment, I remembered how Mr. Nerd and I would always end our conversations by telling each other “I love you.”

In fact, with both him and my ex-wife, “I love you” was said multiple times a day.

I couldn’t say it enough.

It struck me that I had no desire to tell Mr. Artist I loved him.

So I cried.

Because I desperately miss that feeling.

The uncontrollable impulse to declare your love to another and have that person have the same uncontrollable urge.

And that reminded me of the deep connection I am missing.

As a person who has never felt completely understood by anyone, I’ve been used to being regarded as complicated.

I’m okay as long as I’m accepted for who I am.

But finding someone who gets me, like really gets me to where they just know… that’s gold.

And I struck gold twice.

Then lost it.

Both times.

Outside of my control.

It’s spring here.

The flowers are blooming.

The rose trees I see in various front yards remind me of the rose trees I had in the house me and my ex bought together.

I imagine they must look gorgeous right now.

I hand picked them myself.

It makes me miss the feeling of home.

Not home as in a building, but home as in the feeling.

May is coming and it reminds me of death.

Of a circle of blood, a plastic chair, and the recounting of how he was killed.

It reminds me of how much I loved and appreciated him.

What a talented artist he was and the memories I will always have.

It makes me think about how my ex is thinking about the same things.

And how we both have to grieve for him apart for another year.

I’ve been missing a lot of work in trying to take care of myself.

Today my supervisor said the principal was inquiring on why I have missed so many days.

This makes me stressed and panicked.

It makes me fear for my job.

It makes me feel like I’m a bad employee, even though I know it’s not true.

It also makes me feel weak, like I should be sucking it up and just deal with it already.

It makes me angry that I have depression and that it affects my everyday functioning.

I feel frustrated that I am grieving because it doesn’t allow me to be stable.

I was stable for so long and then huge things happened and now I don’t even know what long periods of stable looks like anymore.

I’ve been crying all day.

I woke up feeling on the verge of tears.

I burst into tears twice during work then I came home and cried some more.

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of the cycles of sadness.

I don’t want this.

But I feel it and so I must go through it.

I have to remind myself that this is not me.

This is just a period of time.

It’s temporary.

And it’s okay.

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

28 responses to “Sad

  • Tony Single

    I’m a stranger and all, you know? But still… hugs.

  • Mr Man

    Mind if I get in on that hug train? No, no, not *that* kind of train. I’m still working my way through my first cup of coffee.

    Jeezum Crow, lady. Seriously, though, it is always better to be with your sorrow than to deny it.

    I was going to end this with something about butterfly kisses or some shit, but then I just stared at my words with this “wtf dude?” expression. Like, I was looking at my words as if I were looking at myself. I still don’t know what that butterfly kisses business was all about, and now I’m irritated with myself. That, and I’m sorry I remind you of your ghost. I feel like I’m probably doing more harm than good.

    Be good, OK? Better yet, be you, in all your sad glory.

  • survivednarc

    Ah, the old sadness. I have that, too! So I think I know what you mean. You are right, there is nothing to do but let it run its course, let it be there, accept it.
    I am sorry that you are not feeling the urge to say I love you. It is such a wonderful feeling to have it “bubbling up” within you…. I relate to that…. to a lot of the feelings in this post, the sadness and missing work, etc etc. I wish that your sadness will pass soon. But if it continues on, just pour it out here. We are all here to listen. xoxo

    • samlobos

      Thank you, my lovely. 💙 It helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling these things. I am grateful for your beautiful support. Hugs and kisses

      • survivednarc

        No worries. Always there for you, you know. 🙂 That’s what friends and bloggies are for. 😉
        Oddly enough I am not too “worried” about you, since I have seen quite a lot of your strength and how you have pulled yourself up again before. So I have every confidence that you will be fine again. It just takes time and allowing the feelings to be there I guess. Just take care of yourself as well as you can. xoxo

      • samlobos

        😊 your confidence in me makes me feel good. I’m actually feeling a bit better today, I think it was a wave I had to ride out. Thank you💙

      • survivednarc

        Yes, surf those waves and beat them, Cali gurrl. 😉 xo

  • savingshards

    Sam….you said: “I’m okay as long as I’m accepted for who I am.” Please know that we, this community, accepts you. I look forward to hearing your heart, and I grieve with you in your sadness as do your other readers. I’m sorry you are doing the hard work of sad right now, but it is temporary. It is okay. Please keep writing…you are impacting and helping others you don’t even realize…HUGS.

  • Beparvah !!

    I can understand what it feels, I am carrying the pain since past 9 months or so… But I still wish and pray for your smile 🙂

  • rachel

    i’m crying a little for you too. love you.

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Sad to hear you are feeling this way. Patience. Things will get better. Hugs

  • wonderme12

    Oh beautiful Sam .. I want to hug and cry with you and tell you it is ok.. It may not be, of course, but for us, it is 💙💙

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