Quicksand

I don’t know if I have a boyfriend.

But we are ridiculous.

Seriously, you’d be sick seeing us interact with each other.

All the romantic goodness going on between us (mostly on his end).

I am terrified.

I avoid labeling whatever the fuck it is we are doing because it will freak me the fuck out.

As it is, I’m looking for ANY indication that things aren’t right between us.

Any little sign of conflict or a red flag.

He has given me NOTHING!!

He’s ever the thoughtful, sweet, generous, romantic gentleman.

He says things like, “My function is to please you” and “As you wish”

He doesn’t say it ironically either.

He’s dead serious.

It’s like I have a harem of one.

I don’t know how I feel.

I know when I’m not with him, I’m fine.

I don’t pine over him, I don’t really miss him too much, I might think about him once in a while, but I don’t feel like I’m going to burst if I don’t see him.

I rather enjoy my alone time apart from him.

But then when we are together…it’s like being under a spell.

Almost like we were lovers in another life, who’s reincarnations are drawn together without knowing why.

I feel myself slipping into a serious relationship with him, as though it’s against my will.

A magnetic pull I can’t resist.

There are times when we are talking, when I find myself getting restless.

I’ll feel the urge to end it, pack up and leave before it gets too out of hand.

I entertain these thoughts in my head until he kisses me and then it all fades away.

We can’t have sex but we have been plenty intimate.

Our foreplay lasts for hours.

I have small hickies in various places on my body that he left.

I joked that he was marking me so that no one else would touch me.

He smiled and said that wasn’t true, but he wouldn’t mind if I didn’t ever sleep with another person again.

It’s so intense when we are together.

Sometimes I have a hard time looking into his eyes because I can read his emotions through them.

His emotions tell me he loves me, incredibly, head over heels, till death, if I let him.

We were in the movie theater on Friday and I was joking about him being immortal (don’t ask, I forget the context).

He laughed and said, “You have no idea.”

Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s why I can love you forever.”

Did your heart just drop to the floor, fluttering all the way down, when you read that?

Because that’s what my heart does when he says shit like that.

This is probably the most healthy romantic, intimate relationship I’ve ever had.

I just can’t help thinking, “Too much, too soon. Too much, too soon.”

I’m like a freaking deer in the headlights.

He is super aware of how I feel because he has not pushed having “the talk” about what type of relationship we are in.

We are exclusive and say we love each other.

You can come up with the label.

I might have a panic attack if I say or acknowledge it.

The next few months are trigger months for me.

I feel myself grazing through melancholy, remembering the events of last year.

Remembering those I have lost.

April is the domino that tipped off the others.

May is the 2nd year anniversary of my ex’s uncle’s murder, which I still suffer trauma from when I get triggered.

It also reminds me of my ex, who I have been having dreams about.

May is also when I “met” a certain someone who would become a significant figure in my life, more than I ever would have imagined.

June is when I fell in love with that someone, against my better judgement.

July is when that someone broke my heart.

These next few months are going to be a little rough.

I know I have to tell Mr. Artist when I’m triggered and why I’m feeling sad.

He is so understanding and patient with me.

It really makes it hard to push him away, as much as I want to.

I still don’t understand why I want to push him away.

Maybe I’m still waiting.

Waiting for the love I lost to return.

As it is, I feel like I’m trying to love two men at once.

Because as much as I try to let the ghost go, he still has a huge chunk of my heart.

It’s not fair to Mr. Artist.

I’m tired of trying to resist him.

But I also feel like he isn’t who I want.

Is it horrible that I’m just enjoying having a man who loves and adores me and treats me incredibly well, in my life?

I care for him, I really do.

I love him, to a degree.

But I’m so hesitant.

I don’t want to go all in.

But I might be anyway.

Slowly.

Just like how one drowns in quicksand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

19 responses to “Quicksand

  • sonofabeach96

    Oh, man. This is an interesting dynamic. I guess as long as everyone knows where they stand, it’s all good. I don’t blame you for enjoying attention from someone who obviously cares about you. Who wouldn’t enjoy that. But your uncertainty. You can’t seem to put your finger on it?

    • samlobos

      I feel like part of it is my commitment phobia, plus the fact that I still harbor feelings for another man, plus the unknown factor of why I don’t see myself with him regardless of how good he makes me feel. Ugh. But I want to be absolutely certain that I know he’s not for me before I end it for good. Right now I’m too up and down to know for sure.

      • sonofabeach96

        I hear ya, on all of that. Like I said, so long as everything and everyone arson board with the current status, it’s all good. Based on what you say though, he’s gonna get….well, you know. He’s in it deeper than you, it seems, just keep that in mind. 🙂

      • samlobos

        I know. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to hurt him, despite all my efforts not to. He’s relentless. I just need to be 100% sure next time I let him go so that I don’t get swayed.

  • survivednarc

    Oh lord. How tricky. Since I live my love life vicariously through you right now, you get a superlong answer. Apologies for that! 😛 I can’t say I know you “to your core”, but I believe I’ve gotten to know you pretty well as a bloggie these last months.. 🙂 So with that in mind, I would say that the no.1 risk I can see (right now), is that your need to feel an “insatiable longing” after your partner, and feeling “this is the ONE, I want to devour him, every second!” etc… in short: your need to be with someone who is A Great Love, may be what will hinder this relationship in the future… I don’t know about you, but for me, A Great Love always happens very early on. I know I’m madly in love almost from the start. I’ve tried other ways, but it just doesn’t work for me. A Great Love doesn’t “grow” and “evolve” from “An Almost Great Love”. For me. You may be different in that aspect! But, from all your posts, that is what I have gathered, which could be the risk.
    For now, just enjoy the time with him. If you want.

    When it approaches somewhere around 3 – 4 months, I’d say it is not 100% kosher/ fair to the other person to continue, if you don’t love them deep down in your bones… Hot meets Lukewarm never works out in the end. Just my 2 cents. But, I doubt everything I just said, cause your relationship seems to have evolved quite a lot… perhaps could be A Great Love? 🙂

    • samlobos

      I know exactly what you are saying. I’m used to Great Loves. The ones that just hit you from the moment you meet. I feel like he’s not a Great Love. He’s a love, but not the type of love I crave.

      I’m going to give it some time. Probably 3-4 months, to see how I feel then. I won’t let this prolong more than it should be. For now, as you said, I’m just trying to enjoy my time with him.

      P.S. I love your long texts!

      • survivednarc

        Wise words. I am sure you will figure out what is best, with time. Time has a way of making things clearer for us, quite often. Also, you are very honest with yourself and analyzing your feelings, which will help you guide your way.
        Haha oh ok, thanks, about the texts! Dunno if you mean comments, but I suppose you meant as in blog posts, perhaps… Yes, I am trying to mix things up a bit. I will try to shorten them from now on, cause it gets to be to much to edit, lol. But I will still continue to write some stories, sometimes.. 🙂 Oh well. Cya later, amiga! 🙂 xo

      • samlobos

        Yeah, I meant comments. Ha,ha!
        Thank you for your support 💙

  • rachel

    that’s the craziest mix of feelings for one person that i’ve ever come across. you do know how to keep things interesting…

  • Mr Msn

    Good thing you’re able to get it all out here, without them seeing. That’s got to help make you feel like you aren’t going crazy.

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    I think your thoughts about labeling nailed it. Sometimes it’s better to forget the labels and let things flow. There will be plent yof time later to decide what you have. Sometimes, people ruin the dynamics trying to analyze things. I have known couple who lived together for ten years, then they ruin everything by getting married. As if the piece of paper (labeling) was really that important. Good post.

  • creativerational

    It sounds like you’re actually seeing someone not being totally codependent. Congratulations?!?

      • creativerational

        Oh I meant it as a compliment. I think you hit it on the head where you said this may be the most stable? I don’t remember the term but it sounds like you like being with him but you’re not all caught up inside him. You’re not becoming enmeshed. You’re just figuring out where you fit, like puzzle pieces.

      • samlobos

        Oh yes, I said this is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. I’m just not sure if the discontent I feel is because it’s new and I don’t know how not being enmeshed feels like or if he’s just not who I really want to be with. Thank you. I appreciate your feedback 😊

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