Quicksand

I don’t know if I have a boyfriend.

But we are ridiculous.

Seriously, you’d be sick seeing us interact with each other.

All the romantic goodness going on between us (mostly on his end).

I am terrified.

I avoid labeling whatever the fuck it is we are doing because it will freak me the fuck out.

As it is, I’m looking for ANY indication that things aren’t right between us.

Any little sign of conflict or a red flag.

He has given me NOTHING!!

He’s ever the thoughtful, sweet, generous, romantic gentleman.

He says things like, “My function is to please you” and “As you wish”

He doesn’t say it ironically either.

He’s dead serious.

It’s like I have a harem of one.

I don’t know how I feel.

I know when I’m not with him, I’m fine.

I don’t pine over him, I don’t really miss him too much, I might think about him once in a while, but I don’t feel like I’m going to burst if I don’t see him.

I rather enjoy my alone time apart from him.

But then when we are together…it’s like being under a spell.

Almost like we were lovers in another life, who’s reincarnations are drawn together without knowing why.

I feel myself slipping into a serious relationship with him, as though it’s against my will.

A magnetic pull I can’t resist.

There are times when we are talking, when I find myself getting restless.

I’ll feel the urge to end it, pack up and leave before it gets too out of hand.

I entertain these thoughts in my head until he kisses me and then it all fades away.

We can’t have sex but we have been plenty intimate.

Our foreplay lasts for hours.

I have small hickies in various places on my body that he left.

I joked that he was marking me so that no one else would touch me.

He smiled and said that wasn’t true, but he wouldn’t mind if I didn’t ever sleep with another person again.

It’s so intense when we are together.

Sometimes I have a hard time looking into his eyes because I can read his emotions through them.

His emotions tell me he loves me, incredibly, head over heels, till death, if I let him.

We were in the movie theater on Friday and I was joking about him being immortal (don’t ask, I forget the context).

He laughed and said, “You have no idea.”

Then he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s why I can love you forever.”

Did your heart just drop to the floor, fluttering all the way down, when you read that?

Because that’s what my heart does when he says shit like that.

This is probably the most healthy romantic, intimate relationship I’ve ever had.

I just can’t help thinking, “Too much, too soon. Too much, too soon.”

I’m like a freaking deer in the headlights.

He is super aware of how I feel because he has not pushed having “the talk” about what type of relationship we are in.

We are exclusive and say we love each other.

You can come up with the label.

I might have a panic attack if I say or acknowledge it.

The next few months are trigger months for me.

I feel myself grazing through melancholy, remembering the events of last year.

Remembering those I have lost.

April is the domino that tipped off the others.

May is the 2nd year anniversary of my ex’s uncle’s murder, which I still suffer trauma from when I get triggered.

It also reminds me of my ex, who I have been having dreams about.

May is also when I “met” a certain someone who would become a significant figure in my life, more than I ever would have imagined.

June is when I fell in love with that someone, against my better judgement.

July is when that someone broke my heart.

These next few months are going to be a little rough.

I know I have to tell Mr. Artist when I’m triggered and why I’m feeling sad.

He is so understanding and patient with me.

It really makes it hard to push him away, as much as I want to.

I still don’t understand why I want to push him away.

Maybe I’m still waiting.

Waiting for the love I lost to return.

As it is, I feel like I’m trying to love two men at once.

Because as much as I try to let the ghost go, he still has a huge chunk of my heart.

It’s not fair to Mr. Artist.

I’m tired of trying to resist him.

But I also feel like he isn’t who I want.

Is it horrible that I’m just enjoying having a man who loves and adores me and treats me incredibly well, in my life?

I care for him, I really do.

I love him, to a degree.

But I’m so hesitant.

I don’t want to go all in.

But I might be anyway.

Slowly.

Just like how one drowns in quicksand.