Mr. Artist… where do I even begin?
He loves me.
Right as I was trying to inch away from him, simplify things, and move on, he hits me with that, out of the blue.
I know it wasn’t easy for him to say it.
He’s been denying that he loves me from the start, even though I knew he did all along.
But secretly knowing it and hearing it are two different things.
We were “broken up”, not talking about anything even remotely serious, and as I look back at the texts, I wasn’t even flirting or leading him on.
It really was out of the blue.
I didn’t even take it seriously at first.
Maybe I didn’t want to.
But then when he came over to “force” a confession out of me, I said it back.
I do love him.
That much is true.
But I know it’s not a forever love.
Last night was great.
I allowed myself to just enjoy the moment and be with him, without worrying about the future or what this all means.
I’ve decided I’m just going to go with it and see where it leads me.
I’ve been praying, asking God that if he’s not meant to be in my life, to remove him.
I’ve prayed this about other men before and they’ve disappeared.
But each time I’ve prayed this about Mr. Artist, it seems like we get closer.
Might be a sign.
I still don’t believe he’s the one I’ll end up with.
I know in the back of my heart there is an expiration date on our relationship.
It’ll be me.
I’ll get restless and decide I need to move on to different adventures.
I think Mr. Artist knows this in the back of his heart too.
But even after all I’ve told him, after being 100% honest about it, he still wants to be with me.
So we’ll be together for as long as it lasts.
I realized that I’ve been comparing how I feel about him to how I felt with my great loves.
Nothing compares to a great love.
It’s not fair to him that I keep holding on to phantoms of my past.
He can’t compete with that.
So I’m really trying to stop comparing and just enjoy what I have with him.
I am experimenting with this relationship.
I’m going about things completely differently.
I told him how enmeshed I was in my marriage and how I have the tendency to put the other person’s needs before my own in a romantic relationship.
I explained how I’m trying to practice putting myself first and asking for what I need (space, alone time, etc) and I like it so far.
He understands this and respects it.
He would love to spend most of his time with me, of that I’m sure.
He doesn’t hide how much or how often he wants to be with me.
But he knows I don’t feel the same and so this morning, when I decided I’d rather have cereal for breakfast than have him go out and get “real” breakfast for us, he said he would just go and let me have my space.
He invited me to dinner later in the evening with his parents, brother, and brother’s girlfriend, but I told him I needed my time and had things I wanted to do.
He said he understood and would just save me some food.
I wouldn’t “just go with it” if he wasn’t as understanding and patient as he is with me.
I know the risks of “going with it”.
I have been fighting going down this path because I have an idea of where it will lead.
But the more I’ve fought it, the more complicated and connected we get.
My lovely blogger friend, Laurel, calls me a free spirit.
I love that.
I’ve been afraid of having my freedom caged up again and losing the sense of self I’ve fought to establish.
I don’t think I have to worry about that as much as I have been.
I can’t be caged for long because I will find a way out.
But this time, I’m avoiding the cage altogether.