Not the one

He said he loved me

He didn’t add “as a friend” this time

I called him a silly boy

“Admit you love me too,” he wrote

I refused

Played coy

He threatened to kiss it out of me

“I’ll come over there”

I dug in my heels

Dared him to

“Big talker,” I taunted

Minutes later, a knock on my door

He came in and pushed me against the wall

Kissing me, he whispered, “Say it”

“No”

I am defiant

“Say it”

“No”

Our kisses are so passionate

It’s only been days but it feels like months

My head swirls, yet I refuse to give in

He leads me in spelling it out

“I -L-O-V-E-Y-O-U”

I comply

He is half satisfied

“Never not talk to me for two days again,” he chastised

I smile

I know it was torture for him

It wasn’t as much for me

We are kissing

We can’t stop

It’s addicting

My heart pounds

I grow hungry for his mouth the longer we linger

“Can you say it better now?” he asks in between breaths

His lips all over my mouth, my face, my neck

I am aggressive with my kisses

I feel high but I am deciding

Should I say it

He’s not the one

He can’t be the one

Because I know he’s not

But in this moment

I know I feel it

I kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear,

“I love you”

I hear him catch his breath

He kisses me with all his heart

He said, “I figured you did”

I do

But for how long, I do not know

“We are screwed,” he murmurs

I agree

Love… such a strong word

He is gone now

His kiss lingers on my mouth

I’m trying to process what just happened

What does it mean, I wonder

Maybe there is no meaning

What is next

I don’t know

Where does it come from

The push and pull

The uncertainty

The irresistible connection when we are close together

Maybe it’s temporary

Or could it be more

He’s not the one

He’s not the one

He’s not the one

Right?

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

33 responses to “Not the one

  • terrymcnude

    I love him too, but I feel like he ain’t the one as well.

  • rachel

    oh sam. love love. kiss and be merry. quit thinking so much!!

  • laurelwolfelives

    😦 Are we talking about who I think we’re talking about?

    • samlobos

      Mr. Artist. Yup. I’m spun all backwards about it

      • laurelwolfelives

        I knew you were. So what are you going to do now? You’ve said “the nasty”….LOL (sorry, you know I can say those words)….oh….my sweet girl….what are you going to do now?

      • samlobos

        I’m not too sure. It changed the dynamics and I’m thinking maybe I’ll go with it for a bit. Obviously there’s something there since I keep getting drawn in, but I don’t feel like it’s a lifelong type of deal. At least, that’s how I feel now. Deep down I’m afraid of hurting him but I’ve warned him and told him everything, all my uncertainties and hesitations and he STILL pursues me and HARD! I do love him, but I’m not sure to what extent. Ugh. What a mess

      • laurelwolfelives

        Well, you know what they say….”love isn’t always fireworks….sometimes love just comes softly.”
        You’ll do what’s best for you and I know it. If he gets hurt, it’s not like you didn’t warn him….he is willing to take the chance so…that to me…is worth a go….at least for a while.

      • samlobos

        Thank you, honey. I think you’re right. I’ve not held anything back from him, full disclosure. Whatever the future holds, “you never told me” or “you led me on” can never leave his lips. I think that maybe it’s meant for us to give it a go because it seems the harder I resist and try to push him away, the closer we get.

      • laurelwolfelives

        Sam…did you ever think that maybe it’s not so much that you’re afraid of hurting him as you are of letting go of that last little piece of armor that’s protecting your heart? I know that my heart in encased in a bullet-proof cage and it is impenetrable….but I’m a dead bird…not a free spirit like you. Maybe give it some thought. 🙂

      • samlobos

        Funny, you said that and it’s not being afraid of getting hurt that stuck out to me, but the fear of losing my free spirit along the way…wow. That was deep!

      • laurelwolfelives

        I think if anybody could have a really deep love and still keep their free spirit, you could. What was my advice to the phantom young girl? NEVER GIVE YOUR POWER TO A MAN!

      • samlobos

        Thank you, Laurel. 😊 That means a lot to me 💙💙

  • creativerational

    What is the one anyway? It wasn’t a thing, for a long time. And the old people I know who lasted so long, transcended time… Like my grandparents, married 73 years until cancer ripped my grandpa from this world… My grandma didn’t feel it at first. She was terrified he was too quiet for her to have a life with. Her diary is so simple. Her sadness at leaving her parents and family but excited at an adventure of a homestead with this gentle man who she knew loved God as much as she did (yeh, I’m from bible people)… Turned into an amazing love. That was so strong that at 93 the only thing my grandpa cried about when facing death was possibly missing their anniversary dinner. Not the pain of cancer and the discomfort of surgical wounds which will never heal. He cried that he was away from her. They built their love through the depression. They took a bath together every night, talked about life and the kids and the harvest. They did devotions every morning. I want that. I want that so bad. Now they…. They were each other’s “one”. And honey, that started with slow build love. So take it easy on your decision of what he is and isn’t. And be real with yourself about where this idea of “the one” came from. Hollywood movies? Trifling books? Love takes a long time.

    And as for if he is or isn’t…. If he’s not… At least he’s not fucking with your head like some of the shitheads who just want sex. And it sounds like he is pretty good at getting you going.

    Much love. That’s just my two cents.

    • samlobos

      Thank you for that. I do have to keep my assumptions in check because I often feel too confident that I know what the future holds and most of the time I’m wrong.
      As for him, you’re right, he isn’t just about sex and while when I’m not with him I don’t think about him sexually, when I’m with him it’s a whole different story.😉

      • creativerational

        I don’t think about anyone sexually when I’m feeling sexy and I’m alone. I just want my rocks off. Women are less likely to full on fantasize… They don’t need it – the story the visualization all that the same way men do.

      • samlobos

        I might be different because I do fantasize about whoever I’m interested in. Quite a lot. And if there’s not a current interest, I’ll pick an old one to remember bits about. That’s the only way I get off. So it’s really different for me that I don’t fantasize about Mr. Artist.

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