Introjects

I am an intense person

I feel very intensely

Every emotion is deeply and completely felt

Especially the negative ones

This most likely stems from not being properly comforted as a child, but that’s a whole other topic

This is my process

I’ll wallow for a while and then I’ll force myself to move on

I’ll feel completely defeated and overwhelmed, have a mini-breakdown, then I’ll refocus and talk sense into myself

This whole getting an STD thing shook me up

Made me feel unappealing, dirty, exposed, stupid, and unworthy

I went down a rabbit hole, telling myself horrible things

Things I would never, ever tell anyone else

I worried about my future

Gave up on my worth

Felt like damaged goods

On the brink of panic, I told myself to focus on now

One step at a time

Remembered to breathe

Then I started telling myself things I would tell others in my situation

I started feeling better

Like there is hope and things will be okay

I just have to hold on a little bit longer

Have faith

In Gestalt therapy, there’s a concept called introjects

These are messages we believe about ourselves that inform our behaviors and thoughts

They are things that have been told to us either verbally or non-verbally through our environment and we have accepted them as truth without examining whether they are actually true for us

They can be damaging to our sense of self especially if they are negative messages

I’ve been trying to figure out where the introject that makes me call myself horrible things like dirty slut when I experience a consequence from my decision to have sex comes from

In my gut, I know I’m not really  dirty  or a slut and I don’t believe in slut shaming at all

But yet, I still feel it towards myself

I know it’s not because I feel the judgement of others

In fact, everyone has been so kind, supportive, super understanding and lovely to me

It’s not that I’m afraid of God condemning me

I know he may not condone my behavior, but he is not punishing me

I know I’m forgiven

After all, David was an adulterer and murder and his parenting skills were questionable, but God adored the man

And Jacob was a thief, stealing his  brother’s birthright, but God still blessed the shit out of him

I slept with a couple guys and got chlamydia

I pretty sure me and God are still good

It may come down to my parents and my role as being the “perfect” one

I was always the responsible one, the one who learned from other’s mistakes so I never made my own

I couldn’t afford to make questionable decisions because I had to take care of everyone else

I was old reliable  when everyone else was unreliable and acting out

Especially in the realm of sex

Good girls do not have casual sex

Only “loose” girls who don’t value themselves do that

Casual sex is bad

Sex outside marriage is bad

If you choose to have it outside of marriage, you deserve any consequence you get

You know better so if you do it anyway, you are stupid

You should have more self-control

These are the ugly introjects I carry around

No wonder I’m so nasty to myself

However, in my  role of  “perfection” I was unable to give grace

Not to myself and definitely not to others

Making mistakes has increased my ability to give grace exponentially

It has made me a better friend, confidant, sister, daughter, therapist, and lover

The thing I love most about people is their flaws

I love imperfections because that’s what makes every person unique and interesting

Funny how I have trouble tolerating my own

I am super self-aware

Probably more than the average person

I have been dissecting my thoughts and emotions for years and in a way, have been used to doing therapy on myself

I didn’t know this was unique until Olivia (who is a bad ass therapist) kept marveling at how quickly I bring myself to a place of awareness

She’s told me that it amazes her how my mind works, how I can start off in one place and be in another in the matter of minutes, all the more enlightened

Because of that, my thought process and emotions can resemble a roller coaster

No one can pick me apart better than I can

I really am ten steps ahead all the time and see things from five different angles

It is hard for me to be present

This morning I was near panic attack and by the early afternoon, a sense of calm washed over me

My thoughts went from you are tainted and repulsive to you are human and flawed and that does not take away your worth

The progress I’ve made is not all lost in this one blip

That’s the failure I was afraid of earlier this morning

My mistakes do not rob me of the work I’ve done so far

It does not discount the wisdom I’ve gained, the increased sense of self, or the insights I’ve collected

I can keep moving forward

I am not stuck

This is what I am telling myself

These are the introjects I need to believe

 

 

*Thank you to all the beautiful people who love me and my vulnerability. I am forever grateful for this community of misfit toys

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

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