So what made me want to run and actually do it?
I have finally purged all complications from my life.
I worked hard at getting to a place where I want to go it alone, focus on me and be okay with not having any romantic interests for a while.
I am there, except that Mr. Artist has thrown a wrench in it.
He’s a grey area, someone I care about and enjoy being with, but just not enough.
Every time I feel a sense of clarity about how I feel about him (just wanting to be friends) he brings up a compelling argument or offer, which twists up my head.
Last night he asked me what was so bad about us just going with things as they are.
He said it doesn’t have to be exclusive or a forever thing, but if we were meant to be “just friends” it wouldn’t be so hard for us to be so.
I told him that I figured there would be an awkward transition from “dating each other” to “just friends” but that I was good with navigating that until we reached a stable place.
I told him that I wanted my alone time and space, that I didn’t want to be tied down to anyone. I told him that I do enjoy his company and I have a hard time staying away from him, but that I was trying to figure that out and wanted to be his friend.
He again brought up his confusion about me not being sexually attracted to him, especially since I had said I found him attractive.
I explained the different types of love: companionate and passionate love.
Companionate is the love stemming from respect, appreciation, connection and deep understanding of each other. Sex and physical desire isn’t a driving force in this type of love.
Passionate love is driven by desire, lust, wanting and craving of the person, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Sex and physical arousal is a driving force, usually as a way to express the way you feel about the person.
I told him what I felt for him was companionate love. How that was good enough for some people, but it wasn’t enough for me.
I explained that even if I were to go with it for now, I would eventually grow restless and want to wander. I’d eventually want to run away and cut off all ties to him. I know myself. I told him I didn’t want to do that to him.
His solution was to offer me the option of an open relationship. He would be the emotional and mental connection I desire (and occasionally sexual), while I was free to pursue relationships with other men who I might find more sexually gratifying.
He said if either one of us found someone else that met all of our “needs” then it would be okay. But if we didn’t find anyone else and were still together in the end, then maybe it would mean we are meant to be together.
I told him it sounded like a recipe for heartache. How someone would invariably feel more for the other.
He said that I obviously didn’t have to worry about it because it wouldn’t be me and that he was fine with it.
He told me, if it’s so hard for you to stay away from me, don’t you think it’s because you want to be with me?
That royally fucked with my head.
It was late, I was confused and he knew that so he said I didn’t have to make a decision right away.
Said he would give me my space and not contact me. He would wait for me to contact him.
He added that he loves when I send him good morning and good night messages. He’s told me before that it still gives him flutters.
I tossed and turned all night.
I went to work feeling icky.
I talked to my co-worker, John, about it.
I started crying at work.
So I ran to the beach.
What Mr. Artist is offering is incredibly tempting.
Let’s just lay out the facts:
I am single, had less than desirable dating experiences, came from a marriage where I felt invisible the last couple of years, had my heart broken by a man who was unavailable on all ends but gave me his heart anyway, and had my heart crushed by another man who was emotionally unavailable.
Mr. Artist is in love with me, lets just call it what it is, even if he refuses to admit to it. He appreciates me. Thinks I’m smart, talented, beautiful, interesting and alluring. He caters to me hand and foot. His favorite response to me is, “As you wish.” He is available on all ends. He is willing to do whatever it takes to obtain and keep my heart, even if it means settling to be the back up guy. He thinks I’m the one for him and goes out of his way to take care of me or do nice little things for me (yesterday he brought me food just because). He loves the way I think and how I see the world. He listens to me and remembers things I say. He always wants me sexually.
We connect. We communicate well. We enjoy each other’s company. We have mutual respect and genuine affection for each other. When we kiss and have sex, it’s very passionate.
Do you see how I would be tempted to give into his offer?
(Are you confused as to why I still can’t see myself with him if when we kiss and have sex it is passionate and good?
Because once the moment has passed, I don’t want him that way. With Mr. K, I was turned on just by touching his arm. I got turned on just thinking about Mr. Nerd or looking at his nerdy picture. Hearing either man’s voice. Receiving a simple text. Hearing that they were thinking about me and wanted me too. I feel none of that for Mr. Artist. It really is unfortunate. )
I want a simple existence for now.
Part of me feels like I can’t have that with Mr. Artist in my life. Although, I don’t know that I want to cut him out of my life completely or if it’s even necessary.
I’m still unsure of what I’m going to do.
I did decide that I’m not going to contact him for awhile because I need time to think clearly without his voice suggesting things in my head.
I haven’t contacted him all day today and I don’t plan to for the rest of the week.
It feels cruel not to contact him because I know he loves hearing from me, that he’s waiting to hear from me and how much he misses me when we don’t talk.
But I need time.
I want to be left alone.
I can’t think clearly while being in contact with him.
I feel like I’ve rambled on.
Just trying to process my thoughts and feel 100% certain in how I feel and why.
He could sell snow to an Eskimo.
I need to be sure and unwavering when I tell him of my decision, whatever it is.
Right now, I will try to enjoy this peace and quiet.
I’m really not so complicated when left to myself.
I want to savor it.