Sometimes the road to clarity is paved with questionable decisions.
I had sex with Mr. Artist last night.
Hear me out, it’s not what you think.
Okay, I’m not sure what you are thinking since I’m not a mind reader, but it’s not what it seems.
About one day after breaking things off with Mr. Artist, I felt the need to explain to him clearly why I couldn’t be his friend right away, since that seemed to be something he was confused about and slightly perturbed by.
I missed him, not because I was lonely but because we get a long really well and I got used to sharing things with him.
I really enjoy his company.
So I sent him a text just explaining that I couldn’t trust myself to keep friendship boundaries with him yet and that I also still had to get used to the idea of him being with other women. I told him he needn’t respond.
Of course he responded and we ended up talking for over an hour and the reason why I wasn’t sexually drawn to him was somehow brought up during this conversation.
He was apparently confused because he said we’ve had sex, I seemed to enjoy it, and I told him I wanted to have sex with him before.
I explained that in the moment, yes, I want to have sex with him because it feels good and I’m connected to him. I also explained, however, I don’t think of him sexually outside of the moment. I don’t fantasize about him that way or have this desire to “be all up on him” when he’s around.
I explained that my wanting to have sex with him was more to explore how it would be with him and if it would spark that desire for him, but it did not.
He said it made more sense to him. But while further talking, he asked what it was about other men that made me want them sexually. I tried to explain the chemistry I feel when someone “talks my language” sexually. How it’s this playful banter that’s a mix of naughty, sarcasm, and innuendo that does it for me.
It seemed that he thought if he tried to speak more sexually to me, it would maybe create the desire for him that was missing on my part because he started saying more naughty and sexually innuendo type things.
I let it go since it was harmless and kinda cute and then I said good night.
(Side note: He seemed to contradict what he had said about being over it since he admitted to me that he felt I was his last chance at something real and other little comments he made throughout the conversation)
On Thursday, I burst his bubble, telling him that no amount of sex talk would create the desire for him. The desire just is, I said.
He admitted that he felt a bit crushed by this but then accepted that we could just be friends.
I was very honest with him in saying that while I don’t have completely platonic feelings for him, my feelings are less than that of a lover. It’s sort of this grey area and I genuinely don’t know what to do with him.
But I was feeling comfortable enough with being his friend that I asked him that if he wasn’t busy on Friday, he would like to hang out.
He said that Friday wouldn’t work but maybe Sunday would.
I said okay.
Because I know Friday and Saturday are usually “date” nights, I convinced myself to bite the bullet and just ask him if he had a date, this way I would be able to process and accept it with some time before I saw him.
He texted that he did, but that he was going to cancel his plans on Friday.
I asked him why.
He said he felt like we should see each other.
I told him that we could see each other on Sunday and told him not to cancel because she might be a good date.
He said there was no future in it.
I responded with an oh, well you could use some fun.
He said he was good and that I was more important to him.
I couldn’t argue with that so I just said okay.
When he came over yesterday, there was playful flirting and at one point while pushing his hand away because he was teasing me, I held it. We held hands for a bit and then I moved and let go.
We were watching an anime series and I began to get sleepy so I told him to move over so I could half lay on the sofa. He sat while I propped some pillows against him and leaned on them. We weren’t touching, but he used the opportunity to gently stroke my arm and head. I told him that he was going to make me fall asleep.
I was in fact falling asleep and he kept checking on me to make sure I didn’t. I joked and told him I was just resting my eyes. He threatened to wake me up. I defiantly while half-asleep asked him how he would accomplish that. He said by biting my nose.
I didn’t believe him and sure enough, I was closing my eyes when he got up, leaned over to where I was laying and playfully bit my nose. I laughed and asked him what he was doing, his face still very close to mine, and he gave me this look and then kissed me.
It was over from there.
I just went with it. It felt good, I was completely in the moment and I enjoyed it.
When we were intimate, he shared things that gave his feelings away, including how he missed me and has pleasured himself to thoughts of me.
I asked him why he had canceled his date on Friday when he could have just seen me on Sunday and he said in a very serious and almost vulnerable tone, “I just really wanted to see you.”
He spent the night and we both had a hard time sleeping soundly. He is very cuddly, was all up on me the whole night, something I’m not used to. Funny enough, he said he’s not used to sleeping with anyone.
This morning he wanted to go another round but I wasn’t feeling it, so we didn’t. He wanted to shower together, I wanted to shower alone. So I did.
He went out and got breakfast and I realized that I just really wanted my alone time and to get into my routine with Valentine.
I also realized that while I enjoyed last night, it hadn’t changed the fact that I don’t desire him outside of the moment. The fact that I didn’t want to initiate any sexual contact with him this morning was a clear sign to me of it.
We ate and talked a bit about unrelated things.
He said he should probably go and I did not protest. We hugged and I told him that I could feel the questions in his head. He said he didn’t have any. I asked him if he had any uncertainty and he said no, that if I wanted to go back to being just friends we could but that if I wanted to be more, he would go with that as well.
I told him that I hadn’t changed my mind, that I just wanted to be friends. He looked at me with intensity in his blue eyes and asked if I was sure.
I felt I owed it to him to think about it more, even though I’m 90% sure already, but I told him I would take some time to decide.
We hugged tightly and he whispered in my ear how he wished there was something he could do to make this less confusing for me.
I told him, “It just is.”
He said yeah, you’re right.
When he looks at me a certain way, I can feel the intensity of how he’s feeling in the moment. It’s almost unbearable because I feel drawn into this intimate magnetic pull.
He was looking at me like that right before he said goodbye and kissed me. The connection I feel to him is so powerfully intense when we kiss, it’s almost as if our souls are connecting. Our goodbye kisses are always prolonged and passionate.
But once I was out of his embrace, my head felt clear and I knew he’s not the one for me.
When he left, I felt a sense of relief because I finally had time and space to myself.
That’s the last piece to this puzzle for me.
Because if I truly wanted him, if I desired him and was ready to include him in my life, it would be easy for me to share my time and be selfless with him.
I know this because I’ve experienced passionate love more than once.
But instead, I have to make a conscious effort not to be too selfish when he’s around.
I find I have to remind myself to be thoughtful and affectionate with him, things that usually come so easily to me in these types of relationships.
That’s the clarity I needed.
Some things just are, no matter how much we want to change them.
I’ve accepted that while in many ways Mr. Artist and I would be perfect together, we aren’t.
It just is.