Wait…what?!?

I don’t think I’m delusional.

I think I’m pretty good at reading other people and knowing things about them they aren’t aware of or willing to admit to themselves.

My friends have experienced this.

I have witnesses.

I sent that poem or whatever it was to Mr. Artist because I meant it from my heart.

I didn’t think he’d be in tears over me or get all emo, but I know that if I’m sad and hurting and it was my choice, then he must be sad and hurting too.

Here’s where I get a bit frustrated.

In response to my poem in which I basically say I wish I had been the right woman for him, this is what he wrote:

 

Samantha, its fine. I already knew the words. I knew that last time I saw you. I told you, I already moved on. I just wanted to share some more intimacy with you until you finally said its done or by some miracle, change your mind.  It’s what I’m used to. I had a mind to try and give you my heart. I wanted to at least be your friend at this point, but that’s the way it goes. There’s really nothing to heal for me. I just don’t have the strength to take anything at a serious level right now. You were the only one that I reserved as an exception. There was something special about you. But that’s 3 times we tried. I left no effort to question. I have no regrets. You didn’t break my heart or anything if that was a concern of yours. I was never in love with you. I could have been perhaps had you made my heart feel secure. But you didn’t. You just warmed my heart. For that I’m thankful. The world is lonely. Its nice to feel warmth from time to time. But like I said, I’ll always think fondly of you. For example, we could go out as friends tonight and you could tell me that someone is back in your life you’re in love with…. I would truly be happy for you. I am quite resolved. Thank you for being honest though. I’ll value that and the brief time we shared. I truly hope you find the person that you can love and be loved in return. You’ve so much to offer and will make someone very happy
Good bye Miss Almost Perfect,
Mr. Artist

 

 

Now, I understand wanting to save face.

I understand self-preservation.

But this reeks of bullshit to me.

Am I wrong?

I know I didn’t imagine the sentiments.

Or the gestures.

Or the unspoken words.

The looks, the gifts, the breaking of his own rules.

It wasn’t me being self-centered and thinking that all men fall in love with me.

I’m not stupid or unaware.

So I feel frustrated.

Not because I want him to hurt or to pine after me, but because it invalidates the true emotional experience that we had.

Because I felt it.

I am sad that it didn’t work out for a reason.

Not because it didn’t mean anything and I could just get over it with no problem.

He was special to me.

I’m okay with admitting that.

It hurts that he is trying to brush this off like it’s no big deal.

Like it’s no deal at all.

A minor blip.

I would rather he had not respond at all.

That’s how it made me feel.

I just needed to share with someone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

23 responses to “Wait…what?!?

  • Underdaddy

    I’m watching TV and thinking you should hire Ricky Gervais to make a response commercial like those Verizon ones. Maybe say something British like “thanks for the good rogering”. That is probably not even British or this century but whatever. Who knows.

  • survivednarc

    aah classic…. classic male thing, I believe… some men just aren’t ok with showing themselves hurt. I think it is his defense. I would not poke at his defense, after him sending that, perhaps it is all he “has” now… But you still know what was there, that is what is important. I’ve had this happen to me a few times too, with guys. The male pride/ego, whatever.. I am sorry he used that, it kind of sucks. Hugs!!

    • samlobos

      Thank you. 💙 I hate feeling invalidated. It’s such a trigger for me. It makes me question what I know to be true.

      • survivednarc

        I understand. It is a shitty feeling. But some people just can not admit that they have been hurt. It is sad that they shy away from the truth… but I am guessing he will be feeling the hurt anyway, there is usually no escaping such things.
        You know what was there, even if he has to deny it because of pride or whatever.. He had genuine feelings for you, it showed. Hugs!!

  • creativerational

    He’s allowed to project however he needs to. Be it truth or not. I actually think he sounds rather sound. Grounded. The capacity was there for him to fall. But he knew you weren’t there so he didn’t. That’s ok. You seem kinda bummed that he’s not being “honest” about being all in.
    Even though you told him you weren’t and he has experience in not going all in. Frankly, you can’t be mad at him for preserving himself.

    So he has a thick skin. And you got to him, but he’s not going sit around picking slivers out of his ass pining for you. That sounds like he deserves a Slow clap, not a “say what!” Moment where you play around trying to get him to admit he is hung up on you. You don’t want to be friends, you’re not falling in love with him. What the hell are you asking for? I’m so confused why you think you need access to his inner feelers. You go do you. He’s going to go do him. End of story.

    • samlobos

      I don’t feel the need to pick at his feelings or have him pine over me. What he said is the complete opposite of my experience with him, which is confusing for me. And frustrating. I have no intention to challenge it or dwell on it, but I did need to vent.

  • sassygirl40

    Hmm….I kind of liked his email…he seems to be saying that yes you were different and he saw potential (hence his lovey behavior towards you maybe??) But he also recognized that you were not all in so this hasn’t caught him off guard. Most guys don’t over analyze the way women do and prefer to just put on the brave face and move forward..but I don’t feel like his email is totally out of sync with someone who displayed loving feelings.

  • laurelwolfelives

    I’m calling bullshit on this too. It sure was a 360 degree turn around, wasn’t it? Maybe survived was right…he just can’t admit he was hurt. Must be a man thing.

  • Michelle

    This sounds like words surrounding the wall he put back up… If he didn’t care I don’t think he would’ve gone into such detail and effort to make you think he’s OK. I have a great BS detector

    • samlobos

      Thank you! 😊 I have a great BS detector as well. Plus, I have to do an update post on this situation with more info that backs up my belief that it’s BS.

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