I find I am becoming more selfish with my time.
I want it all to myself.
This UTI from hell has forced me to stay home instead of driving 3 hours to see my nephew and nieces hunt for Easter eggs.
I was bummed.
Not about the drive, but about not being able to see them cutely hunt for eggs.
Mr. Artist wants to take care of me.
He wants to nurse me so badly, he even wrote this to me:
“he wishes deep down she’d let him take care of her…but dares not to tell her for fear of seeming to be a woo-er, instead of just a caregiver.”
He makes it really hard for me to push him away.
But I want my time alone so I tell him that I’m okay and I can take care of myself, not to worry about me.
Of course he then calls me and tells me how could he not worry about me and if someone I cared about wasn’t feeling well, wouldn’t I be a little worried and want to take care of them?
Touché, Mr. Artist. Touché.
He also mentioned that he understands I want alone time but he noticed that I seem to perk up when he comes around.
I told him I hadn’t noticed that. But if I think about it, I suppose it could be true. He does tend to draw me outside of my own head.
If you have seen the movie, Eat, Pray, Love, you’ll know after months of soul searching and learning to be okay in the loneliness of being alone, Julia Robert’s character, Elizabeth Gilbert (who is an actual person and that is her actual story) finds love when she is in a good place and totally doesn’t expect it.
Of course she freaks out because she finally feels good being on her own and doing her own thing, then bam, this guy comes along and messes it up by taking up her time and making her feel like she is going to lose the sense of self that she has worked so hard to cultivate.
She is so freaked out by the thought of losing herself in another relationship (that’s been her pattern) that she almost misses out on the love of her life.
I feel like this past year I have fought and stumbled my way to get to where I am now.
I’ve fallen into the same old patterns, had my heart broken multiple times, and tried and failed to fill the void with anyone or anything.
But somehow, (by the grace of God) I made it to where I am content with where I am at.
Where I just want to soak in the silence.
Where I love my little routine with Valentine.
Where I come home and it’s all about me.
Where I crave alone time.
Where being alone no longer feels lonely.
So where does Mr. Artist fit into this?
He wants to be a part of my world.
But I am feeling selfish and protective of it.
I want to enjoy what I’ve worked so hard to accomplish.
I don’t want to mess it up.
I don’t want to share.
So I find myself trying to push him away, asserting that I am enough on my own, that I don’t need him or any other man.
He knows I do this.
And he resists me.
He comes back at my excuses, gently, with things that make sense and muddle up my resolve to be alone.
I think I need time.
To see if I miss him.
Because right now, all I want is to be free of anyone and anything.
And I can’t think clearly when there is another’s voice in my ear, whispering genuinely sweet and thoughtful nothings to me.