Time and Space

I find I am becoming more selfish with my time.

I want it all to myself.

This UTI from hell has forced me to stay home instead of driving 3 hours to see my nephew and nieces hunt for Easter eggs.

I was bummed.

Not about the drive, but about not being able to see them cutely hunt for eggs.

Mr. Artist wants to take care of me.

He wants to nurse me so badly, he even wrote this to me:

“he wishes deep down she’d let him take care of her…but dares not to tell her for fear of seeming to be a woo-er, instead of just a caregiver.”

He makes it really hard for me to push him away.

But I want my time alone so I tell him that I’m okay and I can take care of myself, not to worry about me.

Of course he then calls me and tells me how could he not worry about me and if someone I cared about wasn’t feeling well, wouldn’t I be a little worried and want to take care of them?

Touché, Mr. Artist. Touché.

He also mentioned that he understands I want alone time but he noticed that I seem to perk up when he comes around.

I told him I hadn’t noticed that. But if I think about it, I suppose it could be true. He does tend to draw me outside of my own head.

If you have seen the movie, Eat, Pray, Love, you’ll know after months of soul searching and learning to be okay in the loneliness of being alone, Julia Robert’s character, Elizabeth Gilbert (who is an actual person and that is her actual story) finds love when she is in a good place and totally doesn’t expect it.

Of course she freaks out because she finally feels good being on her own and doing her own thing, then bam, this guy comes along and messes it up by taking up her time and making her feel like she is going to lose the sense of self that she has worked so hard to cultivate.

She is so freaked out by the thought of losing herself in another relationship (that’s been her pattern) that she almost misses out on the love of her life.

I feel like this past year I have fought and stumbled my way to get to where I am now.

I’ve fallen into the same old patterns, had my heart broken multiple times, and tried and failed to fill the void with anyone or anything.

But somehow, (by the grace of God) I made it to where I am content with where I am at.

For now.

Where I just want to soak in the silence.

Where I love my little routine with Valentine.

Where I come home and it’s all about me.

Where I crave alone time.

Where being alone no longer feels lonely.

So where does Mr. Artist fit into this?

He wants to be a part of my world.

But I am feeling selfish and protective of it.

I want to enjoy what I’ve worked so hard to accomplish.

I don’t want to mess it up.

I don’t want to share.

So I find myself trying to push him away, asserting that I am enough on my own, that I don’t need him or any other man.

He knows I do this.

And he resists me.

He comes back at my excuses, gently, with things that make sense and muddle up my resolve to be alone.

I think I need time.

Space.

To see if I miss him.

Because right now, all I want is to be free of anyone and anything.

And I can’t think clearly when there is another’s voice in my ear, whispering genuinely sweet and thoughtful nothings to me.

 

 

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About samlobos

I am an avid fan of creating narratives in my head about random experiences and quotes for future books I will probably not write. I harbor a 15 year old girl in my psyche and like to solve world issues when I'm half asleep. View all posts by samlobos

10 responses to “Time and Space

  • survivednarc

    Time and space are excellent in providing answers to see how you feel about a person!! So I understand you completely!
    It is wonderful that he cares so much – but he must also understand the place you are in, and your need for this space and time… 🙂
    Best of luck in figuring it all out as you go along – and get well physically, too! I hope you are better now! Hugs!!

  • laurelwolfelives

    I understand the whole “alone” thing. I love doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it (or not.) If I want to veg in front of the television all day, I don’t have to answer to anybody about it.
    Even if I should ever find somebody (ooooh…that was scary just typing it)…I would NEVER give up my freedom again.
    Take what you get….or….see ya!
    You’ll figure it out. Like I’ve said before….you’re a smart cookie! (except for getting a UTI…..LOL)
    Take care of yourself. 🙂

  • emmagc75

    Hope u feel better! I have seen u so distraught n bereft when Mr. K didn’t want to spend time with you. I completely understand the need for space n alone time. It’s important n healthy. But I’m starting to worry you only want guys that aren’t good to you. He’s the first decent guy in months.

    • samlobos

      Thank you, Emma. I was afraid that might be true, myself. But I don’t think it is. I feel like there’s a lot of reasons why I’m resistant to him, some are good reasons, others might be stuff I still need to work through. I don’t want to be with him just because he’s a wonderful guy. That doesn’t automatically mean he’s the right person for me. But I promise not to make any rash decisions. 😊

  • thelonelyauthorblog

    Everyone needs time and space. And finding out if you miss him is a great guage of your own feelings.

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